Okay so I had a whole thing written up and then the forum stroked out on me and I lost an hour of work. I don't have the energy to write it all again, so instead I'll just post these two fake news stories.

DWAYNE HASKINS TRAPS JOE BURROW IN MIRROR MAZE; STRANDS JT BARRETT IN CORNFIELD

The offseason competition to be the next quarterback for the Ohio State Buckeyes took a strange and dark turn Wednesday when it came to light that Dwayne Haskins had gotten rid of his key rivals, JT Barrett and Joe Burrow, through a machiavellian plan. (It should be noted that true freshman Tate Martell was already out of the picture due to being involved in a war in Michigan). Haskins himself has been quite open and above board about the plot with reporters, no doubt because (as he himself will point out) he hasn't technically broken any laws. According to Haskins, he managed to lure Joe Burrow into a massive mirror maze of his own design "filled with creepy mannequins and sad old men who sit on stools and want to tell you stories about covered bridges" with the promise of White Castle onion chips and red pop. Haskins disposed of presumptive starter JT Barrett meanwhile by driving him out of the state of Ohio and stranding him somewhere in the massive cornfield that is sometimes known as the state of Iowa. 

Whether Haskins' wicked scheme will be unraveled or not is unclear at the present, but what is clear is that for now at least, Haskins is the heir apparent at quarterback.

 MATTA FINALLY APPREHENDED

Last month it was reported that after being fired by Ohio State, former men's basketball coach Thad Matta escaped the city of Columbus with $500 in stolen copper wire. Although it has taken a month and resulted in the serious injuries of more than a dozen US Special Forces personnel, Thad Matta was finally apprehended by American authorities early Wednesday morning on the Nicaragua-Honduras border. A joint force of US Army Rangers and Navy Seals captured Thad Matta (albeit not without casualties) only minutes after Matta had karate chopped his way through a swath of Honduran border guards. Once repatriated to the United States, Matta was made to pay Ohio State University $2000 for the damages he caused to Value City Arena as well as offer an apology to his former employers.

At present, it is believed that the operation to recover Matta will end up costing American tax payers $157 million.