THAD MATTA ESCAPES COLUMBUS WITH $500 IN STOLEN COPPER WIRE

Recently fired resigned Ohio State men's basketball coach Thad Matta was last seen by police fleeing the parking lot of the Value City Arena holding in his arms $500 worth of copper wiring. Matta removed the wiring himself with his bare hands from the walls of the arena and from within the broadcast booth before security guards attempted to apprehend him. However, displaying nimbleness and power unseen by the young men he coached this year, Matta charged past his pursuers and escaped into the darkness of the night. One security guard who asked not to be named asserted that Matta moved "like a bat," or "like a ninja with roller skates and a jetpack." The Ohio State University has put a bounty on Matta's head of $1.5 million.

 OHIO STATE FANS BIDING TIME TILL BARRETT'S FIRST INCOMPLETION

With the college football season less than three months away, Ohio State football fans find themselves waiting not so patiently for the season to begin, for the quarterback "battle" to resolve itself, and for JT Barrett to throw his first incomplete pass so they can feel validated for hating him.

"It's the only reason I'll be watching," said one fan who declined to be named, but whose Eleven Warrior's username rhymes with Luckguy Mack. "As soon as he throws a bad pass I'll be ready with my stat tables and figures that show he's barely even high school caliber. It doesn't matter if he's thrown three straight touchdown passes, I'll be there, waiting."

BREAKING: ED ORGERON LEAVING LSU TO JOIN DEATH METAL BAND

In a development that will certainly dismay and shock fans of the LSU Tigers football team, newly hired headcoach Ed Orgeron has announced his departure before coaching for even one full season. He's not going to another program or to the NFL however, nor is he retiring to live out a quiet life of golf and drinking Metamucil--he announced that he's leaving LSU to become front man and lead vocalist of classic death metal band Cannibal Corpse, taking over for longtime frontman George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher.

"He'll be perfect," Fisher said in a recent interview, "just listen to his Cookie Monster voice, guy's got pipes, and his stage presence will be second to none."

When asked why he decided to leave LSU, Orgeron pointed to "visionary lyrics" and "incredible instrumentation" in such standout Cannibal Corpse songs as "Fucked With a Knife," "Hammer Smashed Face," and "I Cum Blood."

"I'm a man of poetry first, and a football man second," Orgeron said, wiping a tear from his eye.