URBAN MEYER OFFERS SCHOLARSHIP TO FETUS

Early Thursday morning, Ohio State football head coach Urban Meyer turned more than a few heads by offering a football scholarship to as yet unborn 8-month fetus Owen Tabor of Cleveland, Ohio. When asked why he would offer an unborn child a football scholarship, Meyer was adamant that in order to stay on top and control Ohio's in-state talent, Ohio State could no longer afford to play the waiting game.

"We're not going to wait for Alabama or Clemson or Michigan to sink their hooks into this kid," Meyer said. "I've seen the ultra-sounds, and he looks like he'll be a heavy hitter one day--we want him to be our heavy hitter."

Meyer added that he was prepared to go to any lengths to maintain Ohio State's recruiting dominance, whether that be to recruit unborn children or rob graves to cobble Frankenstein-esque monsters from the body parts of dead Hall of Fame players.

"BEST DAMN BAND IN THE LAND" TO BE REPLACED

Ohio State traditionalists were dealt a serious blow earlier today when the Ohio State athletics department announced that the university would be retiring its world famous marching band, known informally as "The Best Damn Band in the Land." The reason given was the high costs of maintaining the band, providing for transportation, and buying and repairing instruments. In place of the marching band the university has announced a cheaper alternative: hiring the Canadian alternative rock band Nickelback.

Already Nickelback has been seen at the Woody Hayes Athletic Center tuning up and practicing their rendition of "Hang On Sloopy" as well as an original composition "Look at this Quarterback."

Update: It now transpires that in response to the new hire, the University of Michigan has also replaced its own marching band with alternative rock band Puddle of Mudd.

WOODY HAYES STATUE LOOSE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Last month it was reported that a petition to alter the statue of Woody Hayes to be installed in Newcomerstown, Ohio had been submitted. Since then the statue has been created and installed as per the demands of the two petitions. Unfortunately only days after its installation, the Woody Hayes statue has developed sentience and escaped from its pedestal, breathing fire on and punching anything and anyone foolish enough to stand its way. The statue was last seen heading directly for Clemson, South Carolina, its right fist shaking menacingly.

We will continue to update the story as further information arrives, including the death toll.