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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 5/12

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May 12, 2017 at 11:16am
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MARK MAY CONCEDES OHIO STATE 'COULD BE' A FOOTBALL TEAM

Among other scintillating nuggets (not to be confused with the new Kirk Herbstreit-endorsed General Mills breakfast cereal Scintillating Nuggets (TM)) from a recent ESPN interview with sports commentator and conscientious objector (to anything Ohio State related) Mark May, came a stunning admission from May, well known for his antipathy for the Ohio State Buckeyes.

When asked whether the Ohio State Buckeyes were an actual football team, May (after staring off into empty space for several hours) conceded that by all indications, from the size and composition of their roster, the material existence of their coaching staff, the undeniable photographic evidence attesting to a fanbase, the fact they finished with an 11-2 record last season including a playoff appearance, and that the Buckeyes are scheduled to play a game against Indiana in August, that Ohio State could in fact in some way be construed as a football team.

Unsubstantiated reports from backstage in ESPN studios allege that after making this admission May could be seen gargling a solution of saltpeter, iodine, and lysterine.

 

URBAN MEYER TO START PIZZA DELIVERY SERVICE (SPONSORED CONTENT)

Ohio State football head coach Urban Meyer has already found success on the football field, in the commentator's booth, and on bookshelves with his best-selling guides to coaching, but now he's entering a new arena: pizza delivery. Urban's Za will begin with its first location in Columbus, Ohio, but hopes to expand to other cities in the Midwest if business is good. The business model is simple: creating cold, floppy, tasteless pizzas delivered on golf-carts driven by morose and dejected coaches.

"We're going all out with who we hire," Meyer said, indulging himself with the smallest of half-grins.

He announced that among the deliverymen would be such famed out-of-work coaches as Lou Holtz (Notre Dame football), Louis van Gaal (Manchester United), and (soon, Meyer promises) Thad Matta (Ohio State basketball).

On delivering the pizzas, coaches will make fleeting eye contact, grumble out a half-hearted "how is your evening?" and then let out a long sigh until the customer gives them the money.

"God willing, we'll have Jim Harbaugh too by next spring," Meyer said. "Then business will really take off."

 

 

U.N. INVESTIGATES UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN FOOTBALL TEAM

After a unanimous vote in the U.N. Security Council and a corresponding majority vote in the U.N. General Assembly, the United Nations have moved forward with an official investigation into who actually has it better than the University of Michigan football team. The probe is a belated response to last year's controversial (read: terrible) Michigan football hype video centered on the question (intended to be rhetorical) "Who [has] got it better than [Michigan football]?

The woman put in charge of the investigation, Special Investigator Aisha Sharma, described the U.N.'s interest as one motivated by a desire for truth and fairness.

"We intend to do our research and demonstrate exactly who has it best around the world, in part to shed light on growing economic and political equality globally, but also because we find the suggestion that the pinnacle of human accomplishment would be a mediocre collegiate American Football team to be categorically ridiculous."

Whether international sanctions on the University of Michigan will follow depend on the results of the investigation.

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