Tressels, Fickells and Urbans,

Well, today is my birthday.  

Early this morning, this is where things were.  It was a statement of fact.  The "well" was very intentionally placed.

In fact, I actually completely forgot this statement of fact.  My phone was buzzing like crazy when I woke up...and I couldn't figure out why.  Then, I saw the birthday messages coming in and remembered that it was my birthday.  I honestly forgot.  This is the first year that I've needed Facebook to remind me that today is my birthday, otherwise its possible I would have remembered that I forgot my birthday a few days from now.  

Then, a chain of food-ordering events happened during birthday dinner with the family tonight.  My five-year-old, Jakey, ordered a milkshake with very specific, unprompted instructions - no whipped cream, no cherry.  The good news - the restaurant doesn't even serve their milkshakes with whipped cream or cherries.  The bad news - Jake put a "well" in front of his milkshake at the ripe age of five.  Doesn't he know that he has 36 more years before he removes the whipped cream and cherry?  Who taught him this premature whipped cream and cherry removal behavior? 

However, I was immediately reassured by my eight-year-old, Austin. While wearing a fedora to "match" his all neon yellow outfit, Austin ordered a snickerdoodle salty caramel ice cream sandwich with chocolate syrup on the side.  Here we go...he's a plus it up kind of guy!  He had to learn that from someone!  Right?    

So, now I'm torn and a little confused.  Which is it?  One of these kids can't be mine...which one is the impostor?  Is it the whipped cream and cherry remover or the chocolate syrup adder?  

So, I decided to interview these two and get right to the bottom of this.

Question #1:

Do you remember your first Ohio State game?

Whipped cream and cherry remover:  I remember they won 66-0.  They played Kent State and we had popcorn.  We got there before kickoff and saw the band.  (Editors note: Jake's first game was two weeks ago.)

Chocolate syrup adder:  I just don't remember what team they were playing.  But, they were doing kind of bad at the start but when we left the game they got better and won.  (Editors note: Austin's first game was 2012 Purdue when Kenny Guiton lead a comeback overtime win to preserve an undefeated season; we watched the game-winning touchdown at home. :) )

First question is little help.

Question #2:

Why are you excited the game is at 6pm this week?

Whipped cream and chocolate syrup (simultaneously):  Because we can stay up and watch it!  

Second question is a push.

Question #3:

Who do you think will win the Ohio State vs Cincinnati game this Saturday?

Chocolate syrup:  Ohio State because they will play well.

Whipped cream:  Ohio State and #2 will score three touchdowns.  (Editor's note: #2 is Dontre Wilson)

Third question only helps from a score prediction standpoint...similar to Ohio State 52 Indiana 49 in 2012. :)

There are more questions that result in singing Carmen Ohio, laughing at mid-sentence burps and talking about their cousins.  All entertaining, but not the least bit enlightening.

It's time to open the birthday cards and I'm hoping they provide the equivalent of tarot cards wisdom - a deep, spiritual understanding of whether we add chocolate or remove cherries.

Jake opens my birthday card from him and his brother.  Jakey personally picked it out at the store.  It has a little donkey on top of a bigger donkey; both have those googly eyes that you may find in the kids card section.  It screams "Happy birthday, Dad!  Thanks for putting up with me, even when I was a little pain in the...well, you know."  Jake doesn't get the joke and we talk about bottoms for a while.
I notice two big events have happened in the signature area of the card.  For the first time ever, little Jakey has correctly penned a "k!"  Typically, his signature is "JAE."  Out of fear, he avoids the "k" altogether.  He is extremely pleased with himself.  Also, Austin is not know to elaborate much on greeting cards - a simple "Austin" typically suffices.  But, this year he has added " - I love you!"

Jake opens my birthday card from my wife, Shannon.  It begins with "Who is the husband who's such a good friend?  Who's also the one with the cutest rear end?"  So, we talk more about bottoms for a while.  

Then, I realized through all of this question asking, fedora wearing, dessert ordering, score predicting, bottom joking, handwriting, card reading nonsense...that TODAY is my birthday.     

So, as it is every year, I have the same three birthday wishes - 80 degree weather...time with loved ones...and a Buckeye victory.

Touchdowns:  Curtis Samuel, Zeke Elliot, Dontre Wilson, Dontre, Dontre, Michael Thomas, Jeff Heuerman
 
OSU 52 UC 49 
 
Go Bucks!  Beat UC!  Michael Bennett for Heisman! 

Flabby Pappy