Monday Skull Session

Instead of bickering about Auburn or Ohio State or Florida State or Alabama and where they should be ranked, I'd like to take this moment to lay some shine on the Bowl Championship Series.

I thought I knew entertainment after Saturday's barnburners in Ann Arbor and Auburn, but then I watched three white dudes caked in so much make-up it'd make a clown blush argue their opinions on ESPN's BCS studio show.

I'm sitting here borderline catatonic after watching David Pollack and Jesse Palmer shit on the Big Ten and argue SEC exceptionalism while Kirk Herbstreit was reduced to off-screen attempted interruptions ("Guys! Guys!") before asking why FSU and the ACC isn't compared to the premiere football conference in America.

To all you Beliebers out there: I get it now.

In the olden days, this all would have ended with Ohio State beating a two-loss Stanford team in the Rose Bowl and earning a #2 spot. Gosh, there's a tingling in my knickers just thinking about all the #hot #takes and petty bickering we could have had in this golden age of media.

But then the cryptkeepers of the sport (who simply know better than you stupid fans) gave y'all the BCS, and what have you buffoons gone and done? You've scrapped this glorious system for a four team play-off, which will inevitably be an 128-team playoff because the idiot masses will never be quelled.

Why would I watch Florida State vs. Alabama and Ohio State vs. Auburn in a national semi-final when I can just listen to Jesse Palmer and Kirk Herbstreit and David Pollack argue their lowest-common-denominator, non-provable opinions on hypothetical matchups?

You idiot, idiot people.

MICHIGAN TOOK AN L OVER THE WEEKEND. Now that I'm done being smarmy, let's take a moment to commemorate Ohio State's victory over Michigan in the 110th remix of The Game:

• Michigan fans were absolutely pathetic. Some were completely resigned to their fate and faking politeness and humbleness. Others took the route of acting as if Ohio State fans were some roving band of juggalos in town for an ICP show. Sorry, bums, you can't just disavow a century-old rivalry and act like you don't care anymore or are above it all. Ohio State could be 0-11 fielding 96 Joe Bausermans against Michigan, and I guarantee Columbus would never bow their knee to a conquering fanbase like Ann Arbor did this weekend. I was there in 2009, and it was way worse last weekend.
• On behalf of Buckeye fans, I do not accept Marcus Hall's apology. I defy any American working man or woman to stand up and declare they've never thought about rolling out on their job in a blaze of glory. There's worse things in the world than a senior 315 lbs. bulldozer getting tossed from the biggest game of his career throwing up two erect fingers on his way out of the stadium. You can whine about "class" or whatever, but to me: THAT'S BALLER. I give Marcus Hall "2 Marionaire Gunz Up" for that exit from the field. (And Urban is right not to ban Hall or Dontre Wilson for the B1G Championship game — take a note, Delany.)
• I'm still embarrassed for any fan over the age of 13 who was melting down in the second quarter.
• I took four cabs in Ann Arbor last weekend and only one had a meter!?
• Was it me or were all AA's establishments at least 10 degrees hotter than they had to be? 
• The only time I was even a tad nervous during The Game was when Michigan scored at the end. I knew they'd go for two when Ohio State was knocking on their paydirt's door. It was absolutely the right call by Hoke, and would have been the worst Ohio State gut-punch since Urban Meyer and Florida kicked Ohio State's teeth down their throat in the 2007 title game. (I still get ill thinking about that game.)
• Speaking of Kerry Coombs calling Al Borges' final shot, here's your reminder Buckeye fans are even on your mama's porch hanging up signs:

URBAN MEYER GETS ANOTHER FOUR-STAR FISH. While us mortals were awaiting the latest round of BCS rankings, Urban Meyer was out there hauling in Jamel Dean, a four-star cornerback out of the awesomely named Cocoa High School in Cocoa, Florida, as the second pledge for the 2015 class. (Canton McKinley's Eric Glover-Williams was the first commit of the 2015 class after a strong showing at this summer's Friday Night Lights.)  Here's the quote I like most from Dean (emphasis mine):

"They play NFL football in Ohio, New England and Wisconsin," he told Eleven Warriors in July. "I know most people want to say in Florida because of the weather, but I like doing new things so I don't mind leaving Florida."

You're goddamn right, Jamel Dean. (*said that in my Heisenberg voice*) You can watch Dean's football highlights HERE and watch him outrun high school track kids as if he's a horse over HERE.

Oh, how sweet it is.

TOM HERMAN: TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW. Tom Herman will be matching wits with Jim Bollman on Saturday, in what should be the equivalent of a 2014 Lamborghini against a rusted-out 1987 Get-Out-And-Push.

Herman, who is up for the Broyles Award as the nation's top assistant, is a man who will make another man look very smart when that man hires Herman to be his school's next head football coach (ARE YOU LISTENING, B1G ATHLETIC DIRECTORS?), and that's something that will probably be happening after the season.

Herman joined Meyer's staff from Iowa State, and his successor has not enjoyed Herman's success:

Iowa State has parted ways with offensive coordinator/quarterbacks coach Courtney Messingham and running backs coach Kenith Pope. Iowa State defeated West Virginia 52-44 in triple overtime in the Cyclones' season finale this past weekend.

Messingham had been with [Paul] Rhoads during his five seasons as head coach, but spent the past two as offensive coordinator. The Cyclones ranked 96th nationally in total offense with 363 yards per game and 91st in scoring offense with just averaged just 24.8 points per game.

The Cyclones were 89th nationally in rushing with 143.8 yards per game.

Obviously Urban Meyer will have a better litter to pick from than Paul Rhoads, but damn would I like to see Braxton and Herman back for Braxton's (assumed) senior season. ONE MORE TOUR, YOU GUYS.

BAMMER ON BAMMER VIOLENCE. Some Alabama fans aren't handling their sixth loss since 1972 very well, while others are still in the stands at Jordan-Hare stadium, denying the reality of the Kick Six, and still awaiting overtime. CJ Mosley has a message for the former group:

A great sign about the level of discourse in your state is when a 21-year-old monster linebacker is the voice of rationality.

Oh, and here's the Kick Six — the best name I've heard for the Iron Bowl's ending — in Tecmo Bowl (complete with the glorious Auburn radio play-by-play call):

OH YA, BRAXTON MILLER IS GOOD AT INSTAGRAM. (NSFW BCS RANKING: #13, CLEMSON):

THOSE WMDs. College football's second season begins... Hunter S. Thompson's daily routine... Tip of the hat to Brady Hoke... Home Improvement (the TV sitcom starring cocaine trafficker Tim Allen) YouTube library... Sleeping girl next to Charles Barkley at a bar doesn't realize what she's missing... The SEC is bad at geography... Florida fired their OC... Columbus posts leash rules to curb loose dogs... Northeast Ohio suburbanites feel heroin's deadly pull... The shocking sex secrets of insects... The Real Walter White: the story of the (once) best meth cook in Alabama... Half-backs and the attack (1929)..