B1G Recap: Mom Jeans

By Johnny Ginter on October 21, 2012 at 5:58 am

Ooo, close but no cigar, Purdue. You almost did it, and it took a valiant effort filled with cheap shots and exponents and theorems and train whistles and whatever the hell else you nerds use to try to beat teams, but it was to no avail.

And that of course is because you never counted on one thing: a backup quarterback filled with the fury and might of not just one, but twenty adult contemporary smooth jazz performers. Even if Braxton Miller is "okay," maybe it's time to give the dude a little bit of a breather. You know, have him sit out a week so that Guiton and Guapo can form a duet of easy-listening clarinet sex and thunderous mariachi football stylings that should easily win some kind of football award for tortured analogies or something.

Anyway, the point is, the B1G has thrown everything they've got at Ohio State so far: injuries, incompetence, interceptions... whatever. Doesn't even matter anymore because the Buckeyes are still the class of the Big Ten and until someone puts together a team with fewer glaring issues than an Ohio State team with a ton of them, that will continue to be the case.

WISCONSIN 38, Minnesota 13

With Terminator-like precision, Bret Bielema made an instant analysis of the dope-ass party he was about to partake in. Buffet? Check. Fly honeys? Single moms everywhere, and some lady with a nametag reading "Aunt Liz" looks game. Double check. Thumpin' beats? Bret glanced at the karaoke machine set up to "Kidz Bop 28." BIG ol check. "Hershlag Bar Mitzvah, get ready to be rocked."

Bret quickly took control of the dance floor, gyrating his size 52 hips to the beat of "Call Me Maybe" as the Hershlag family's small children and elderly ran for safety. As sweat poured down his bloated face, he noticed Melanie Hershlag staring at him with same kind of disgust and admiration that often appeared on his face as he watched James White and Montee Ball completely take over a game against a hopelessly overmatched Minnesota team. "I'm crushing it," thought Bielema, as he began to flap his arms in time with the teen pop hit, revealing both his soaked armpits and an odor not unlike spoiled ham left out in the sun too long.

Finally, as the last strains of Carly Rae Jepsen's ode to calling her maybe floated across the room, Bret noticed that his compatriot Barry Alvarez had taken a break from stuffing his pants full of kosher mini-weenies from the buffet, and with the help of their escort Kandi, was now shirtless and glittered. Bret shut his eyes because he knew what was coming. "Oh no..."

Nebraska 29, Northwestern 28

This game was exactly like Revenge of the Nerds if the movie had played out like it would've in real life, with the nerds inexplicably gaining the upper hand for a while before the jocks remember what the hell is going on and then crush their opponent's souls. Pat Fitzgerald still has a pretty good running back in Venric Mark, but Taylor Martinez played like he tends to play against teams who no one really cares much about, going 27/39 for 342 yards. This was actually a pretty intense and exciting game! Except for the fact that Northwestern wore some really dumb alternate uniforms and helmets, kind of like the awkward skinny kid in high school who wore tank tops to show off his "guns" that he got from doing 5-pound curls in his dad's garage a couple of times last week.

Michigan 12, Michigan State 10

Well congratulations, Michigan! The team that you profess to not care about except when you do but not really because it's beneath you or something finally lost to you! And all it took was for them to be slightly crappier on offense than you were! That's just terrific. In a shocker, Denard Robinson completed less than half of his passes and threw an interception, which means he somehow outplayed Michigan State's Andrew Maxwell despite Maxwell having slightly better stats for the game.


Actually, to be completely honest I have no idea why I'm talking about the QBs for either team. Michigan scored all 12 of its points off of field goals, meaning that a place kicker whose family name comes from a species of ape ended up being the hero for the Wolverines. Neat. I'm sorry if you watched this game, because really the only enjoyment to be had was from my improvised drinking game involving Mark Dantonio's frowny faces. There were a lot of them.

Navy 31, Indiana 30

If an exciting game is played in a forest, but no one is there to see it, does anyone care? Navy got ten points in the last five minutes of play to beat Indiana in Maryland, in what would have been a marquee matchup... okay, probably never. I kind of buried this score because if I start accidentally making comparisons to Navy's defense and the Ohio State defense, I'm gonna get pretty sad. Also something like 33 thousand people actually turned out for this game, and when I found out about that I kind of narrowed my eyes and said "...how?"

Penn State 38, Iowa 14

What if one day you wake up and someone tells you that Matt McGloin is the best QB in the conference? How mad would that make you? Because I'm just saying: that would make me Real Mad. And it might be coming. The Red Rocket passed for 289 yards and two touchdowns against a completely dog whipped Iowa team that has apparently reached that magical part of the season where they clearly do not wish to be playing football anymore. Iowa RB Mark Weisman gave it a go on a sprained ankle, but after 5 carries he managed only 9 yards. Which, hilariously, was almost half of the total yards that Iowa got from their ground game.

This is probably my lock for worst game of the week, if only because it was like a shot of adrenaline in the ass for Penn State fans and McGloin, both of whom I find intensely irritating.


Week 8 complete! Gosh, it seems like it's just getting closer and closer to that magical time of the year when the Big Ten can get crushed in bowl games in front of a huge audience. Can't wait!

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