Buckeye Letters to Santa

By Michael Citro on December 22, 2013 at 10:30a
16 Comments
Coach Coombs has outstanding Christmas stationery.

In a little over 48 hours a lone sleigh will depart from the North Pole airport (NPX) and make its way around the entire world over the course of a single night. Former Navy pilot Santa L. Claus will take off with a dangerously over-laden aircraft that will become lighter and lighter with every stop as the flight continues.

In preparation for that day, people all over the world send cards, letters and —in overwhelming numbers these days — emails to Claus to request specific parcels from the former naval aviator, who is about to have his delivery method one-upped by Amazon’s drone service in the near future.

Ohio State coaches and players are among those who send such communications to the North Pole, and the last we checked, the university is still a public organization. Eleven Warriors is not above filing a few Freedom of Information Act requests when our readers need important facts, like what Urban Meyer has requested for delivery on Dec. 25.

The following are letters from Buckeye coaches and athletes to the fat guy in the red suit, as opposed to the fat guy in the blue golf shirt with the ‘M’ on it.

From Urban Meyer:

Coach Claus,

I’m very interested in obtaining the services of a defense similar to the one fielded by the Ohio State Buckeyes in 2002. Quite honestly, I’ve been a little disappointed by the performance of some of my requests of the past two seasons. You’re better than that. It’s time to step up your game. Those elves of yours need to execute better and they will fix it.  It’s big boy time. Let’s go get it.

Sincerely,

Urban F. Meyer

P.S. Can you please get me another year of Braxton and Shazier?

From Ryan Shazier:

Dear Santa,

This year, I’d like the same thing as last year — someone else to hit.

Thanks.

Ryan.

From Thad Matta:

Hi Santa,

I’d really love a new spine this year to replace this rickety wooden bridge holding my skeleton together. But it’s not about me, it’s about the team. So if it’s no trouble, I’d really enjoy some gifts for my players (it would be a violation if I gave them to them): bionic hands for Amir, a consistent outside jumper for Sam, some defensive mojo for LaQuinton, a consistent outside jumper for Shannon, some national respect for Lenzelle, and another year of eligibility for Aaron.

Thanks for all you do,

Thad

From Michael Bennett:

Hey Santa,

Comic books!

- Mike

From Braxton Miller:

Sup Santa,

Hey I don’t really need much this year, but, as long as you’re handing out presents, I’d really enjoy either a second-round grade or better in the NFL Draft or another year of Mewhort, Norwell, Linsley and Hall. Either one is fine with me. I’m not picky. Thanks, man.

Brax

From Aaron Craft:

Dear Santa,

I get a lot of requests to solve the Rubik’s Cube, but it gets pretty old. I mean, I’ve been solving that thing since before I was toilet trained. Can you please bring something a little more challenging this year? Maybe something I have to solve in four or five dimensions? If that’s not possible, the following are titles I need to complete my collection of Ohio State text books of the ‘90s:

[edited for length]

Thanks so much, Santa. You’re the best.

Love,

Aaron

From Mike Vrabel:

Yo Santa,

Luke and I are looking for a few more five stars. Tell Pantoni because I always forget to write it down. Thanks, bro. You rock.

Vrabes


So there you have it. We don’t care how many FOIA requests we have to submit. Eleven Warriors will continue to dig deep to get the vital info for which you rely on our site. 

16 Comments

Comments

ATXbucknut's picture

Santa had a little too much "fun" watching the epic comeback last night. I hope he can make good on all those wishes.

Mix's picture

Easily the best holiday GIF ever.
 

-Mix

Seattle Linga's picture

Dude is still feeling the effects of too much egg nog

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Dear Santa
Send more fried chicken stuffed crust XXXXL meat lovers extra meat topped with doughnuts pizzas to Flounder Hoke!!!  He was looking pretty thin towards the end of the year!
The Buckeye Nation!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

Spikebone's picture

I prefer to call him either Gravy Choke or Gravy Bloat, for what it's worth.

Stuck in Ann Arbor for work, I can confirm she is indeed a whore.

BoFuquel's picture

I love Hjoke just the way he wuz, never change Coach. GO BUCKS!

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

ScarletNGrey01's picture

The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win. -- Woody Hayes

Seattle Linga's picture

Is that Billy Joel's home

BuckeyeStrong2's picture

Dear Santa:
 
I know this is a stretch, but could you go back in time to the B1G Championship and on that 4th and 2, whisper (scream/yell/use rudolphs nose) something about giving the ball to Carlos Hyde?
 
You da man.

ScarletNGrey01's picture

Dear Santa -
An Orange Bowl win would be a wonderful holiday gift.
Thanks!
- Buckeye Nation

The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win. -- Woody Hayes

Ethos's picture

Dear Santa
I am writing to formally request a positive win ratio for my conference, a negative ratio for the SEC and an Auburn loss in the national championship. If you make this happen I will consider your elf school in future expansion opportunities. 
Best Regards
Jim D.
PS
I am still waiting on that wig you promised.

"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.

MarkC's picture

Winner!
And while Santa's Elf School is not currently an AAU member, it would certainly get BTN on basic cable tiers in the far northern markets.

urban86's picture

Bwady Hooooooke....
1) Takes an hour to form a 10 word sentence
2) Takes another 90 minutes to say it.
3)  Wakes up in the morning, looks at his hair and says..."Looks good to me".
4)  Sunglasses he wears does not make him looks any less stupid.
5)  Arms crossed on the size 64 waist...down right amusing
6)  _ichigan still sux
 
MERRY XMAS BUCKEYE NATION
 
GO BUCKS!!!

MichaelJ721984's picture

Dear Santa,
I'd like a little credit for these Buckeye commits wearing bow ties.
Thank you!
-E. Gordon Gee

trock's picture

The letter from Thad was hands down the best.

BuckToAsT's picture

Dear Santa,
 
Please bring me a medical redshirt so that I can lead the Silver Bullets to the first ever NCAA playoff Championship next year.
 
Thanks man!
C. Bryant