Aaron Hernandez Admits Urban Meyer Killed That Guy

By DJ Byrnes on July 10, 2013 at 8:48p

With it being July 10th and national media members still concern trolling Urban Meyer in connection with Aaron Hernandez's gangland-style execution of Odin Lloyd, SportsPickle has finally brought some needed levity to the situation:

Former New England Patriots and Florida Gators tight end Aaron Hernandez admitted to prosecutors in Rhode Island today that Urban Meyer, his former Gators head coach, is really the man behind the many murders surrounding Hernandez.

“It’s what we’ve expected all along,” said a source in the district attorney’s office. “I mean, we’ve all heard the stories about what kind of program Urban Meyer runs. That he would have done these murders is not remotely surprising. You know how things are in the SEC.”

Hernandez and his lead attorney met with prosecutors this morning and upon admitting the truth, the tight end was immediately released from custody and cleared of all charges.

How many national media figures would read this and not realize it's satire? I think you could fill an elementary classroom with them.


Comments Show All Comments

SilverBulletNYC's picture

How many national media figures would read this and not realize it's satire?
Answer: too many. 

The South will NOT rise again!

bukyze's picture

I'd say enough to circle the entire earth and have one massive circle jerk.

One Bad Buckeye's picture

What's even more sad is that you could fill the entire elementary school building with media figures who would realize it's satire and then decide to run with it anyways.   
Don't give these idiots your clicks....they'll go away. 
Look at it like raising a puppy, to a puppy bad attention is way better than no attention.  You have to painstakingly ignore the senseless whining and eventually the puppy realizes the senseless whining gets them nowhere and stops altogether.  
Edit: Re-reading my comment makes me kind of feel like this guy, haha!....I'm so wise.

"I'm One Bad Buckeye, and I approve this message."

sharks's picture

Back on Page Two, Gallo was always the best writer.  Better than Gregggg, better than Simmons, better than that weirdo with the uniform fixation.

A man got to have a code...

M Man's picture

And not one word about Craig James.  Somebody's getting away with murder.  Five murders.  Of hookers.  Allegedly.

buckeye1129's picture

Why does everybody assume he stopped at 5?  Do people really stop killing hookers?  It seems like more of an impulsive thing than a controlled action.

OSUStu's picture

That's because Craig James killed five hookers AT SMU.  There were multitudes more after that.

If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.  ~ Bruce Lee

buckeye1129's picture

Thanks for clearing that up. See I was confused, because I heard that killing hookers is like trying meth. You get hooked after just once and you screw your body up until you end up looking like Craig James. What a nightmare.  So I figured he was either on meth or he never really gave up killing hookers despite his insistence to the contrary.

dubjayfootball90's picture

Rabble Rabble Rabble! Rabble!

You can feed a bobcat all the chili it wants. That don't mean it's going to crap out diamonds.

buckeye1129's picture

I thought Urban just sold him the gun? Or was it that a current Ohio State (motherfuckin GASP!) player drove Hernandez there, taught him how to shoot in advance, then called the victim?
F*** you major sports media
I bet SportsPickle is right more often than ESPN (except for this time of course!)

Haybucks's picture

The video of the above scene would clearly show UM and Aaron Hernandez plotting the future killing. However, lip readers could not recover the footage as the recording was scrambled by Meyer's magnetic personality.  Since then, clipboards have been used to hide these sideline conversations.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. -  Mark Twain


buckeye1129's picture

What's happening here is the CIA killed this guy and blamed it on Hernandez, knowing it would libelously drag Urban Meyer's name through the mud.  You think this stuff stops at ESPN?  C'mon, wake up people! It goes 2 levels higher than ESPN, first to the FCC, and then when they deem it fit they fill in the CIA, who are basically the FCC's bitches. 

NoVA Buckeye's picture

Urban Meyer on these allegations: The Astros lost.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

GoBucksToledo's picture

Actually the shooter was in the grassy knoll.

Hovenaut's picture

I f'n hate that picture.

buckeye1129's picture

At least Urban kinda looks disgusted. That's probably the expression I would have on my face if some violent idiot who would kill somebody in front of witnesses was near or touching me.

OSUStu's picture

Looks 'shopped.   Must be 'shopped.

If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.  ~ Bruce Lee

OSUs12-OH's picture

I'm SO sick of this it makes me want to throw up in my mouth every time I see another story about it.  No offense to 11W staff, I can see the satire but I'm still getting tired of it.  When Dickie V chimed in I had about all I could take.  

"I want a hungry team. I want a team that can't wait to get out there. I want an angry team! You're the Ohio State Buckeyes. You're an angry football team. You're a hungry football team and I'm proud to be your coach." UFM

buckeye1129's picture

Oh and what was Dickie V's take on it? I can only imagine him screaming his opinion at the camera from his Sarasota home, ranting and raving about a sport he knows nothing about.  He always talks football during broadcasts too, and consistently proves that he gets all of his information from Sportscenter.  
I just don't understand; does he think his entire audience is foreign and/or hard of hearing? Or maybe as a kid he talked with a lisp and got made fun of so he just learned how to yell and rant about everything he says or brings up.

AirForceNUT's picture

I can't believe it!! I wonder how long Urban's sentence will be.  Who will coach us this year?!?!?!