The Pitch

By Jeff Beck on May 13, 2013 at 2:00p
29 Comments

With a  top recruiting class in the books, and another crop quickly taking shape in Columbus, Urban Meyer has proven time and time again he is a top-notch recruiter. 

Come to OHIO STATEThis in your living room. Hard to turn down.

Few coaches put more emphasis on a program’s lifeblood than Meyer, just listen to the guy:

“I love tradition, but I love recruiting better,” Meyer said in February. “Recruiting is really important in the game of college football. Like, really important. More important than anything else. You get my point?"

It’s something fans don’t think of much but college football coaches are tasked with two jobs: be an excellent coach, and be an even better salesman.

Some HC’s have the X’s and O’s down, but simply don’t have the charisma to hard-sell a program.

Others can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves, but are still working on the whole winning football games thing.

Rarely is a team blessed with a head man who can juggle both roles brilliantly. Luckily, OSU has exactly that in Meyer.

While fans are able to see what Urban does every Saturday, the other half of his job (that whole salesman thing) is largely hidden from view.

Unless you’re a top-tier recruit, chances are you’ll never hear Meyer’s living room pitch.

So it got me thinking, what exactly is he saying to these kids in the comfort of their own homes? I did some digging and believe it or not, I was able to get my hands on a recording of one of Meyer’s OSU elevator pitches.

It turns out through a complex system of baby monitors, minimal tree interference and darn good luck, a neighbor of a top recruit was able to listen in to Meyer’s recruiting schpeel. What follows is the transcript. 

Urban: Hi, how are you darn good to meet you your son is a damn good player, couldn’t wait to get over here to speak with his amazing family.

Dad: Thanks Coach Meyer, we couldn’t have been happier when you gave us the call.

Urban: Well I didn’t have a choice, when you see a tape like that it wasn’t even a question.

Mom: You’re too kind. Would you like some coffee?

Urban: No thank you I drank something Coach Coombs brewed up for me before I came and I can barely blink.

So anyway, let’s get down to it, your boy is a star. It’s clear. We’re building something special on the banks of the Olentangy and there’s no question your young man would be an integral piece of that foundation.

What foundation you ask? Well I brought some images and video to help convey the opportunity.

Let’s start at the beginning, you see first and foremost, your son will be able to wear this:

Speed

Normally when I do these things kids commit right after I show that photo, but I see your boy is a tougher nut to crack. Pun intended guys. (Laughter from the room)

It's clear you’re a young man who likes to weigh his options, so I’ll go ahead and give you something substantial to chew on. Pay attention because these are gonna come at you fast.

You see as a Buckeye you’ll get the chance to play here:

Da Shoe

Earn these

Leaves

Hear this:

And this:

And This:

In addition, you'll get to play under a staff of coaches who have three of these:

Bowlin

A few of these:

upset

Helped a player earn one of these

heisman

And have two of these

Crystal

Finally, you'll get to beat up on this:

gross

Earn these:

pants

And if you’re good enough do this:

There's much more but it's clear that topline overview was effective, as you're drooling on yourself. You see Mr. and Mrs. [Name redacted] these days these pitches are easier than ever. When you’ve got a product that sells itself it’s not too tough.

(Silence in the room. It’s assumed during this time Meyer was shaking dad’s hand while winking at mom)

Urban: As you can see your son is in a state of catatonic delight. This is completely normal, it happens with roughly 8 out of 10 recruits.

His ability to talk will be gone for the next hour or so, and that perma-grin on his face wont subside for at least the next few days. Just keep him hydrated and call me when he snaps out of it. Usually their first words when they come to are: “I’m in” but occasionally they’ll simply whisper “O.H.” to the sky.

[front door closes, Meyer cruises away with his vehicle's top down. "Money aint a thing" is heard faintly in the distance. It's assumed the phrase was screamed through the sunroof]

Shortly after, this tweet was sent from his account.

Another flag planted.

29 Comments

Comments

Triv's picture

Classic. Well done

Sorry Urban, Woody is still my favorite

WC Buckeye's picture

We don't want any kid who can say no to this.

The only thing that's new in the world is the history that we have forgotten.

dubjayfootball90's picture

hahaha, that embedded tweet was hilarious, haha. Golden!!!

You can feed a bobcat all the chili it wants. That don't mean it's going to crap out diamonds.

Poison nuts's picture

This was great...I'll now be following fake UFM too.

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

Hovenaut's picture

"Drank something Coach Coombs brewed up"

Well played, sir.

Hate Week runneth over

Maffro's picture

Others can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves, but are still working on the whole winning football games thing.

I guess Freeze is "still working" on winning games, but I do believe he was a good hire for Ole Miss. I was thinking someone like Ron Zook would've been a much better example (admittedly, mostly because I just like to make fun of Ron Zook).
 

GABuckeye's picture

Love the Tommy Boy reference!!!!!

Buckeye Black's picture

Man, I was thinking the exact same person when I read through this.

buckeyedude's picture

I bet Brady Hoke has had a few Ketchup popsicles.

 

 

buckeyedude's picture

First thing I thought, Basso.

 

 

Nick_Satan's picture

I love this article, As a buckeye fan we need more of this  I hate seeing  this type of Alabama propaganda  on the front page of yahoo. It makes me sick
 
Everyone wants to go to Alabama http://sports.yahoo.com/news/magic-nick-saban-everyone-wants-alabama-155...

Coqui's picture

This is one time where I love hearing Common Man and Company on the radio.  Urban Meyer on a reqcruiting trip.  Everyone gets ready, the the shattered glass of Meyer 3:16 entrance music comes in (Stone Cold Steve Austin Music)

Gametime's picture

IF I may add to the pitch I'm sure he'd also mention:
Getting a first class education at one of the top public research universities in the nation here:

 
Being prepared if you're good enough to go play in this League:

 
AND/OR definitely earning one of these:
 

...I too dream in color and in rhyme
So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house
Cause whenever I open my heart, my soul or my mouth
A touch of God rains out...

Jeff Beck's picture

Indeed. Well played.

Gametime's picture

Thank you JB, but you really whipped it up nice - I just hoped to put a cherry on top. :)

...I too dream in color and in rhyme
So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house
Cause whenever I open my heart, my soul or my mouth
A touch of God rains out...

unknownmusketeer's picture

That view of the oval is beautiful. The view from the Thompson library is equally as nice.

Chief B1G Dump's picture

Nice!  Looks like a BuzzFeed article...
 
 
 
 

BME_Buckeye's picture

Education?

Look closely, because the closer you think you are, the less you will actually see.

 

LadyBuck's picture

Last time I checked, Urbz is kind of big on this whole "education" thing.

Bamabucknut's picture

This piece made my day !
 
 
 
Outstanding !
 
 
OOOOOOOO   HHHHHHHHHH

Donny T's picture

Dear Jeff,
That's "spiel." 
Signed, 
Your friendly neighborhood Yiddish teacher

nickma71's picture

Yet Woody Hayes didn't mention football but instead school to Archie Griffin. And others.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Hilarious!!! Thanks for the chuckle this morning!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

IBleedSandG's picture

Just check the fake twitter acct, and this made me laugh. I don't get the hashtag, but it's all good.
 

"You pick up the rifle and go as hard as you can possibly go."
-UFM

Bolt's picture

Ketchup popsicle??