TO: Football coaches
FROM: Department Of Honorable Raffle Maintenance And Non-News
SUBJECT: Let’s keep it clean!
Football camp season is almost here, and as you prepare your curricula, finalize your athletic and medical staffs and confirm all logistics, the Department Of Honorable Raffle Maintenance And Non-News wants to emphasize the least important aspect of your upcoming program: Ensuring your camp raffle is conducted with the highest level of integrity.
We here at D.O.H.R.M.A.N.N know that raffle incorruptibility is an overlooked aspect of your camp operations. It’s essentially an assistant running to the Apple store to pick up a few gift cards, or having your staff hastily autograph a football to give away. We are less concerned with the nature of the gift as we are with the actual drawing.
Budgets are tight, otherwise we would provide an on-site auditor to ensure that your designated Raffle Coordinator is blindly drawing a name out of a sweaty hat or a rusty drum without bias toward that camper’s ability or college prospects. Because that’s how players are illegally and unscrupulously recruited to colleges: Petty cash gift cards and autographed footballs at camps like yours. Miraculously rebuilt churches without a paper trail, Land Rovers for entire families and six-figure checks are far less concerning.
These figurative paper cuts – from fixed football camp raffles – only get infected with age. We’re trying to save you from what could eventually fester into a mortal wound.
Because you just never know if an attention-starved journalist with delusions of grandeur is going to come sniffing around 30 years from now to blow your crooked caper wide open. Your deepest, darkest fears may be realized when the general public abruptly realizes just How Deep It Went.
Your friends at D.O.H.R.M.A.N.N