Let’s Keep it Clean!

By Dept of Honorab... on April 1, 2013 at 9:00a


TO: Football coaches
FROM: Department Of Honorable Raffle Maintenance And Non-News
SUBJECT: Let’s keep it clean!

Department of Honorable Raffle Maintenance and Non-News


Football camp season is almost here, and as you prepare your curricula, finalize your athletic and medical staffs and confirm all logistics, the Department Of Honorable Raffle Maintenance And Non-News wants to emphasize the least important aspect of your upcoming program: Ensuring your camp raffle is conducted with the highest level of integrity.

We here at D.O.H.R.M.A.N.N know that raffle incorruptibility is an overlooked aspect of your camp operations. It’s essentially an assistant running to the Apple store to pick up a few gift cards, or having your staff hastily autograph a football to give away. We are less concerned with the nature of the gift as we are with the actual drawing.

Budgets are tight, otherwise we would provide an on-site auditor to ensure that your designated Raffle Coordinator is blindly drawing a name out of a sweaty hat or a rusty drum without bias toward that camper’s ability or college prospects. Because that’s how players are illegally and unscrupulously recruited to colleges: Petty cash gift cards and autographed footballs at camps like yours. Miraculously rebuilt churches without a paper trail, Land Rovers for entire families and six-figure checks are far less concerning.

These figurative paper cuts – from fixed football camp raffles – only get infected with age. We’re trying to save you from what could eventually fester into a mortal wound.

Because you just never know if an attention-starved journalist with delusions of grandeur is going to come sniffing around 30 years from now to blow your crooked caper wide open. Your deepest, darkest fears may be realized when the general public abruptly realizes just How Deep It Went.

Happy camping!

Your friends at D.O.H.R.M.A.N.N


Comments Show All Comments

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

lol Happy April Fool's day to you guys too

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

Smanpoint10's picture

The sad thing is, is this sounds so true 

Mr. Slick's picture

Love the Acronym lol

dubjayfootball90's picture

I dont know what I just read, but I just woke up from a 30 minute nap from underneath my desk at my cubicle. Yes, very similar to grandma's boy in the scene where Alex's G'ma and her roommates are looking for him. Still a little groggy, time to get to work.....

You can feed a bobcat all the chili it wants. That don't mean it's going to crap out diamonds.

wside buck's picture

What the heck is this?

MN Buckeye's picture

Wow, great stuff, guys.  Thanks for the morning humor.  I recall the old SI April fool's article about high school phenom Sidd Finch, a pitcher who could throw 150 mph.  The DOHRMANN acronym reminded me.

BuckeyeChief's picture

Q: if I work for the OWCA, am I ineligible?

"2014 National Champions...deal with it!!!"

Grant Edgell's picture

This is priceless.

AngelHeartsBuckeyes's picture

This is way better than the April Fools when u changed the page to look like the Bleacher report.

This is fricking hilarious. Hat tip once again 11W. I love u guys and gals.

Buckeye born and bred. Buckeye til I'm dead.

NC_Buckeye's picture

How did I miss that? Would love to see a screen cap of that? Were slideshows everywhere?

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

My contribution to that day.

The site was re-skinned with b/r graphics and an "11w/report" logo that day - the archive doesn't show that though. No slideshows; just the essence.

Jonnferrell's picture

If only Tress had this opportunity all those years ago. . . .  LOL!

"I miss Brady Hoke."

Dougger's picture

the most impressive thing about this is that you could actually create a decently named organization from "DOHRMANN". Bravo 11w

I like football

741's picture

Great success!