The Stumbler: Volume Nine - A Buckeye Frankenstein

By Jeff Beck on February 13, 2013 at 6:00p
16 Comments
Stumble In

The Item: The Beautiful Monster

We all go a little mad sometimes and usually “sometimes” is mid-February. We’ve been without college football for over a month – enough to take the jelly out of anyone’s donut. Couple that with the fact Buckeyes fans have been sans OSU football for nearly three months and it’s a wonder half of Columbus hasn’t been committed.

During these bouts of derangement it’s normal for your mind to wander. In fact, it might stray so far you begin to ponder how you could freakishly piece together the perfect Scarlet and Gray football player using only the parts of great Buckeyes as your guide. Anyone? No one? Fair enough.

Either way, that’s exactly what Chesapeake Energy did with this “for sale” game poster picturing the “Ultimate Buckeye”. Using the marvels of modern science, Chesapeake mashed together characteristics and traits of legendary Buckeyes to make an unstoppable Scarlet and Gray force.

It's ALIVEGrab your torches and pitchforks. 

The poster breaks down each trait in the following manner: Arm – Troy Smith, Passion – Chris Spielman, Vision – A.J. Hawk, etc. Using the World Wide Web as my primary source (which you should ALWAYS DO), I was able to validate each and every claim made on this poster. So without further delay I give you...

The Clips (and other things): Proof is in the Pudding

You can't go making a Frankenstein if you don't fully understand the pieces you're utilizing.

So let's take closer look.

Intelligence – Craig Krenzel

A major in molecular genetics, a GPA of 3.75 and he could do this:

Vision – A.J. Hawk

Right place, right time. Every time.

Passion – Chris Spielman

Biggest? No. Most Athletic? No. Would I want him on my team? Yup.

Determination – Cameron Heyward

Show me a QB that needs to be sacked and I’ll show you Cameron Heyward.

Arm – Troy Smith

Making a 50+ yard TD throw look easy since 2006.

Leadership – Woody Hayes

Nothing much needs to be said here. Watch this and try not to cry.

Focus – Terry Glenn

A prime-time talent. Bonus points for humiliating Regis Philbin.

Tenacity – James Laurinaitis

His nickname was Little Animal. 'Nuff said. 

Heart – Archie Griffin

All in a day's work for college football’s only two-time Heisman Trophy winner.

Wallop – Jack Tatum 

All you need to know: during his tenure, Jim Tressel named the biggest hit of the week the Jack Tatum hit of the week.

Versatility – Howard Hopalong Cassady

He can run, he can throw and my, oh my does he look dapper in a suit.

Strength – Orlando Pace 

The man was known for overpowering defenders to the point of flattening them on their backs. Strength personified. 

Leg – Mike Nugent

He was your favorite kicker for a reason. With him OSU was always in field goal range.

Elusiveness – Eddie George

They thought they had Eddie in the backfield before they knew he was in the end zone.

Toughness – Randy Gradishar

If a picture like this exists of you anywhere, the number of people who will mess with you drops to zero.

TOUGH

Athleticism – Cris Carter

Cris Carter can do this. You can’t. ATHLETE.

Power – Nick Mangold 

His sister, Holley, is an Olympic powerlifter and he can grow facial hair like this. End of story.

Power Gaze

Speed – Ted Ginn Jr. 

Watch all of this, watch some of this, but just don’t blink.

Quickness – Beanie Wells

The poster must have been referring to his ability to quickly overpower an entire human with a single arm.

Well there you have it. The Buckeye Frankenstein has been assembled. What a thing of beauty.

Thanks for stumbling in. Let's do this again sometime.

16 Comments

Comments

BucksfanXC's picture

Way to find a video of Hopalong.
I'd want Beanie's arms if it weren't a QB. If we want a QB, then ya Troy all the way. But even linebacker or lineman, I want Beanie's arms. Stiff arm of justice, nuff said. Vernon Gholston had some guns, but Beanie seemed to use his effectively.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

ohiowhitesnake's picture

You forgot Video game moves Braxton Miller
 
 

CowCat's picture

XBRAX to the max!

"We get paid to score touchdowns, not kick field goals"
-- Urban Meyer

Borrowed Time's picture

yeah.. I was thinking quickness should belong to Braxton. Maybe give Beanie another category

cinserious's picture

There should have been a 'stiff arm from hell' category for Beanie Wells.
NOTE: There's an NCAA bylaw that forbids current players to be included in Franken-Buck fantasies. So no XBrax.

"Get him a body bag, Yeah!"

dr green's picture

I think Ginn shows you an XBrax 360 move starting at about 3:01.

Yamosu's picture

I am a little upset that Stanley Jackson made it into a highlight video, even if it is just to talk about AJ Hawk.

Hovenaut's picture

All awesome, and none afraid of a little fire. Bonus.

"Success - it's what you do with what you got" - Woody Hayes

popeurban's picture

It is easy to forget how just fast touchdown Teddy Ginn was.  Fun to remember though, great post.

Raynstorm's picture

Teddy Ginn is electrifying!! He has 2 to 3 more gears than anyone else on the field. He was a human highlight film. Just watching this, I remember that you couldn't wait for a punt or a screen to him. Why anyone kicked to him at all, I don't know? I can't wait for the next playmaker with that super speed that makes it feel like your watching a video game. Is it time for at least spring ball yet?

"If you ever get hurt, and you feel like you're goin' down. This little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. It's gonna say... 'Get up you son of a bitch' cause Mickey loves you." Mickey

cinserious's picture

In an actual videogame, it would be much harder for Ginn to do what he did in real life to CFB opponents. lol

"Get him a body bag, Yeah!"

cinserious's picture

Man I could watch Teddy Ballgame highlights all day long! What a videogame he makes it and doesn't the field seem so much shorter when he's receiving passes and punts? This gets me soooo pumped for '13 when we have little young pup Ted Gins all over the place!

"Get him a body bag, Yeah!"

harleymanjax's picture

Imagine what Teddy Ginn could do with Urban as his coach?
I used to love seeing Beanie going around the edge and you could see a CB coming towards him........you knew what was about to happen!

"Because I couldn't go for 3"

OSUAndy07's picture

My God, Ted Ginn was fast

"But I'm tryin' Ringo. I'm tryin', real hard, to be the shepherd"

Doc's picture

Chesapeake gave these posters away after the AACC game.  I have two of them.  They are hanging in my boys rooms.  Chesapeake also did one for the BB team last year.

"Say my name."