B1G Recap: Plan 9 From Outer Space

By Johnny Ginter on November 25, 2012 at 6:11a
48 Comments

You're all terrible. Yes, you, everyone else in the Big Ten. You all suck and that's that and Ohio State has just spent 12 weeks painstakingly pointing this glaringly obvious fact out to you. Week after week after week, you had the chance to say, "hey, you guys, you are not all that. There are, in fact, teams that are better than you, and you should understand that and be humbled by that fact."

Jim Delany = Ed Wood

But you didn't! In 12 weeks you showed us, the collective fans of Ohio State, that you are all nothing but a bunch of namby-pamby good-for-nothings who should all be petitioning the NCAA to allow us in a bowl game, ANY bowl game, just to somehow make you morons look better by proxy.

I have spent this entire freaking football season making pithy recaps of the other Big Ten games, operating under the assumption that should Ohio State actually lose a Big Ten game itself, this post would take on a much more conciliatory tone. That of course never happened, and as a result this is now the final, indignant entry in the hate-fest that is the B1G Recap.

I would like to thank Iowa, Northwestern, Illinois, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, Michigan State, Wisconsin, Penn State, Purdue, and Indiana for being unbelievably and aggressively bad in 2012, thus making my job all that much easier. Truly, if not for their utter incompetence, I would've had to write recaps of substance rather than chock full of snide remarks and asides about Kirk Ferentz's solid gold '85 Thunderbird or Bret Bielema's goiter. Yes, it's a little bittersweet. But at least there's still a whole bowl season coming up where 6 or 7 of these teams can continue to embarrass us on a national stage.

MICHIGAN STATE 26, MINNESOTA 10

Oh wow, congrats on becoming bowl eligible, preseason Big Ten favorite Michigan State! I'm sure that in the waning moments of this game you must've thought to yourselves, "boy, there's really nothing better than getting yelled at by Mark Dantonio for another several weeks as we prepare to play in a bowl game no one will have ever heard of!" Most of this victory can be chalked up to Le'Veon Bell (35 carries, 266 yards) continuing his tradition of having monster games against crappy teams who stopped trying weeks ago.

That Minnesota even got 10 points is pretty much proof that magic exists in this world because they had a total of 96 yards of offense for the entire game. Jerry Kill had another seizure and missed the second half, which even I'm not horrible enough to make fun of, but I'd recommend to the Gophers that for their next coaching hire they pick a dude who a) is a good coach, b) not prone to alienating the best players on the team, and c) makes playing for Minnesota less depressing, not somehow more depressing.

NORTHWESTERN 50, ILLINOIS 14

Northwestern, the only Big Ten team of note not beaten by Ohio State, still basically sucks out loud. They ran all over a horrendous Illinois team (Venric Mark had 127 yards on just 18 carries), which is cool and all but also pretty irritating since people will use their relative success this year to claim that OSU didn't beat EVERYBODY in the B1G, completely ignoring the fact that Furious Purple lost every conference game against a team with a pulse.

Illinois remains a raging dumpster fire, and honestly it seemed like toward the end there Tim Beckman and company were just picking random offensive plays out of a hat to see if anything worked. Spoiler alert: it did not. If I had to track Nathan Scheelhaase's evolution as a quarterback, I'd just sadly play a slide whistle and then kick a dog. This was also another one of the Big Ten's trophy games, so even if Northwestern can't get a B1G Championship Game berth out of it, at least they got a cool hat.

PURDUE 56, INDIANA 35

Okay, let me play out this scenario. Team X racks up 512 yards of offense, converts 10 of 19 third downs, has almost 350 yards of passing through the air, and has a 150-yard rusher. And then you say, "yeah, but is Team X actually Indiana?" and I say yes and then we both have a big laugh about it because we both know that Kevin Wilson is a terrible coach and that Indiana probably lost by like three touchdowns anyway.

Waattcchhh the Biiigggg Teeennnnn

Which is exactly what happened! Also four turnovers! There were a ton of big plays in this game, which is more a statement of how bad both defenses are than how great the offenses were performing. I guess you could say that this was an exciting game in the sense that there was football and long bombs and big runs but a contest to decide the best B1G team in Indiana is like trying to decide the best shade of beige.

Danny Hope was inexplicably carried off the field by his players, who I can only assume were being mean and ironic and Hope wasn't let in on the joke. Purdue, at 6-6, will probably play in some crappy bowl in Memphis or something, and Danny Hope will act super enthusiastic about it in a lame effort to not get fired. This will not work.

NEBRASKA 13, IOWA 7

Speaking of bad coaching, the Kirk Ferentz walk of shame is finally over, as Iowa lost to a clearly uninterested and bored Nebraska team in a game that was like a little goat repeatedly running into a bigger goat until the bigger goat gets mad and just pushes the little goat over. Adorable, in a futile, pathetic sort of way.

The bigger surprise is how poor Nebraska looked on offense; they only accumulated 263 total yards, and though they got a supposedly healthy Rex Burkhead back, he only managed a total of 69 yards on 16 carries. Iowa is garbage and frankly Nebraska should've ripped through them like wet toilet paper, but didn't, which could portend bad things for them in the championship game later on.

I really don't know what to say about Iowa, other than James Vandenberg and Nathan Scheelhaase should get together and commiserate about how those mean ol' aliens from Space Jam stole their football playing talent.

PENN STATE 24, WISCONSIN 21

EPILOGUE

Bret Bielema sat alone in his jail cell, naked from the waist up and beglittered. Like a sweaty, oafish Christmas tree, he lit up cell block d in his own flatulent way. Heaving with sobs, the large, puffy man kept his fellow inmates at bay, remembering how a guy named Zach Zwinak had outplayed Montee Ball, rushing for 179 yards to Ball's 111 en route to an overtime win over Bielema's Badgers.

"BIELEMA! YOU GOT VISITORS"

"Wuh??" exclaimed the porcine coach, as a mixture of snot and tears dripped from his face. "Who?"

At that moment, Urban Meyer and Bill O'Brien walked in, and with them they carried an expression of exasperation and disgust. After a long sigh, Urban spoke.

"We're bailing you out, Bret. NCAA orders."

"B-but I lost! To both of you!"

Bill O'Brien clinched his teeth. "Yes, Bret. We know. You're still going to the Big Ten championship."

"Really? No foolin'?!? Oh happy day!" And with that, as the shackles were taken off and the handcuffs unlocked, the grossest, most irritating, most petulant, most clearly overrated coach in the Big Ten sprinted off into that BCS sunset.

...

And that's it! The whole, horrible, awful, sad Big Ten season. Ohio State ran train over everyone, while the rest of the conference fumbled over themselves and tried to cobble together two consecutive good-looking wins. I'll say this right now: if you ask me who the B1G champion was in 2012, it's OSU. Unbeaten, unbroken, they pretty definitively showed that no other team can hang with them, and given how much the team improved in November, I doubt anyone could seriously argue otherwise.

Have fun embarrassing yourselves in bowl games no one cares about, everybody. We'll be at home sipping mai tais and wistfully thinking about what could've been.

48 Comments

Comments

Defiance J's picture

Enjoyed this all year. Big10 is going to have a rough bowl season. 

BuckeyeNation's picture

I'm seriously hoping that you're wrong DJ. I for one am tired of hearing about the B1G's reputation. I hope they can get this turned around in a hurry and a good bowl record could be a good start.

Menexenus's picture

Johnny = the new DJ?  I guess it's good to be the DJ...

Real fans stay for Carmen.

painterlad's picture

The slide whistle and kicking dog comment made me laugh so hard I woke up my wife, which is not cool at 6:25 am. My only question is this...can the Big Ten opt out of bowl games this year? They did their best to do so during the regular season, but some of them still managed to win 6 games.

To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.

zbd's picture

The Big Ten is the worst in football I've ever seen this year. The Buckeyes are undeated with a terrible team and won without their best defensive player and half the team playing injured.

cplunk's picture

Final? I don't think you're going to want to miss recapping the upcoming 0-7 B1G bowl season.
We may have to count Rutgers just to get a win. Yes, the Rutgers that just got snowed by Pitt.
God the B1G sucks.

Jarrett's picture

You are AWESOME and one funny mother-shut-your-mouth. Totally enjoyed the jabs at everyone, basically, because they deserve it. And you always bring your A Game when writing your game synopsis. Thanks for the fun season recaps...will you be doing this for the bowl games?! I know it might kill you but I think we'd all enjoy it.  And by the by- who's the chick with the big...eyebrows?! 

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Groucho Marx 

 

Kaceybrown's picture

Is it Morticia Adams from the Adams family?

Jarrett's picture

I don't think so- looks like a B movie of some sort...
 

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Groucho Marx 

 

Menexenus's picture

It's not just *a* B-movie.  It's the *worst* B-movie.  Check it out some time if you want to make your eyeballs bleed.

Real fans stay for Carmen.

jestertcf's picture

Those movies are only tolerable, when coupled with mystery science theatre 3000 commantary.

~Because we couldn't go for three~

osubuckeye4life's picture

The character she plays was inspired by Mortica Addams.
She is Maila Elizabeth Syrjaniemi RIP aka Vampira.
born 1922 as Maila Syrjäniemi in Finland (she later changed her name to Maila Nurmi), became noted for her 17 inch waist and her pioneering role as a TV horror movie hostess during the mid-1950s. Inspired by Morticia Addams from the New Yorker cartoons of Charles Addams, pale-skinned and black-haired Vampira, dressed in a tight black dress, led viewers through a hallway of mist and cobwebs while spouting graveyard puns and introducing the movie to follow. In 1954, she was nominated for an Emmy award as "Most Outstanding Female Personality" on TV. Because she retained the rights to the Vampira character even after the series ended, Nurmi attempted (unsuccessfully) to sue Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson, because she felt the Elvira character was too similar to that of Vampira. Nurmi died of natural causes on 10 January, 2008 at age 85.
The actress was in one of the worst films ever made called "Plan 9 From Outer Space".
Have you guys ever heard of Ed Wood or seen the Johnny Depp film of the same name?
 

Jarrett's picture

17 inch waste? But what was her 40?
Thanks for the info. My brother-in-law has a collection of "worst movies." I'll have to check it out.

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Groucho Marx 

 

osubuckeye4life's picture

Haha good one!
You're welcome and I'm assuming he probably has this one along with Manos: The Hands of Fate, Troll 2, etc. 

Jarrett's picture

You are cracking me up! Troll 2- last time I was back in C-bus he had it on when we went over for Massey's pepperoni  pizza- my ultimate pizza- man, I'm hungry. And yeah-if there is a worse movie than that, I'm not sure I want to even try to watch it! But I guess that's why there's beer!!!!

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Groucho Marx 

 

osubuckeye4life's picture

Massey's does make a fine pizza. I'm sure there are probably worse movies than Troll 2 but I'm with you I would be afraid to watch them lol.

nickma71's picture

Ohio State-Stanford would have been a Rose Bowl game to catch my interest. Even if it wasn't a Rose Bowl on Jan 1.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

I think the B1G should just say no to the bowl game season - they sucked all year!  Bret - you may want to stock up on a year's supply of Twinkies and Ho-Hos to get you through...

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

CALPOPPY's picture

Bret would be out of luck in that regard. Hoke bought the remaining supplies at all stores in a five state area and with Hostess now out of business, none remain. Where do you think Hoke went with 7 minutes remaining in the game? He had to go talk to his dealer.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

Buckeyefan9973's picture

Truly epic as always, this is the reason I signed up for 11warriors.  The slide whistle comment was great.  Does any PSU fan really believe that if Bill O'Brein is able to go .500 next year he finishes out his contract in State College?

Northbrook's picture

Always really enjoy this. Great work Johnny.

LouGroza's picture

Montee Ball td record includes all the games that he was fed 5 scores per game against the Savannah States of cfb. Remember, Wisconsin always scheduled the weakest of the weak and put up 70 every game in non-conference games. That is why I despise their piss ant of a coach. It was obvious it was done for the purpose of padding stats. Ball did score the tds but it was with the help of his coach building his own legacy.

jkrk's picture

I thought this column would be as depressing as usual, until you mentioned our improvement in November. WOW, what a month!

Alice in Aggieland's picture

Hilarious as always, Johnny. What I'm really looking forward to is the recruiting windfall that comes from the horribleness that is the rest of the B1G.

KillerNut's picture

This man has a point. This offseason should give us most of the top tier B1G commits and possibly some SEC respect

Hovenaut's picture

Still going to tune in to the little brothers. I haven't face-palmed enough the finish the year and surely want to start 2013 off proper.

The Bert in-a-cell write-up has split my side twice over.

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I am not very smart.

Johnny Ginter's picture

glad you liked it guys

KillerNut's picture

So which coaches get canned this year? 

Johnny Ginter's picture

will: hope, maybe beckman

should: hope, kill, ferentz, wilson, maybe beckman

lamplighter's picture

don't you think that they would give Beckman another couple?
Ferentz should take this opportunity to go back to the NFL - as long as it's not the Browns

JLP36's picture

but isn't ferentz up for B1G coach of the year?

JLP36

el duderino's picture

Deserve to? Or will?  I mean, Iowa's so drunk on Ferentz's apparent talents, I wouldn't be surprised if he gets an extension and pay raise after this year.

"This is a very complicated case: a lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what-have-yous."

lamplighter's picture

Nice touch - worst movie ever (always good for a laugh at 3 AM) and possibly the worst ever season for the conference.
 
Vampira, not Morticia

Jarrett's picture

Ah, Vampira...she was a michigan cheerleader back in the day...
 

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Groucho Marx 

 

el duderino's picture

Thank you, Johnny, for this.  It has been a constant source of schadenfreude for me all season.  I, too, hope that you will continue this into the deserted wasteland that will be the B1G's bowl season.

"This is a very complicated case: a lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what-have-yous."

RBuck's picture

Johnny: I enjoyed your recaps all season long short. Thanks for the laughs.
Please, please do one more for the Fake B1G championship game.

"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)

BuckeyeVet's picture

Johnny - Laughed so hard at the 1st that I choked, and snorted coffee (hot) through my nose at the second. Despite the pain, please keep them coming. You're gold.

"I guess you could say that this was an exciting game in the sense that there was football and long bombs and big runs but a contest to decide the best B1G team in Indiana is like trying to decide the best shade of beige."

Speaking of bad coaching, the Kirk Ferentz walk of shame is finally over, as Iowa lost to a clearly uninterested and bored Nebraska team in a game that was like a little goat repeatedly running into a bigger goat until the bigger goat gets mad and just pushes the little goat over. Adorable, in a futile, pathetic sort of way.

 

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."          - Groucho Marx

 

MediBuck's picture

Johnny, I'm pretty sure the B1G recap was my favorite article of the week this season, and I'm sad that it'll have to ride off into the sunset (with the exception of a bowl week cameo, of course). I think you saved the best for last, as this particular piece had the best collection of zingers, put-downs, and flat-out laughers of them all. Also amazed with the end of the Bielma maharajha--you had this ending all thought out from the start, didn't you?

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

osubuckeye4life's picture

Awesome sauce Johnny! I hope you do a B1G Fake championship game one and one for the bowl season. 

Buckeyeneer's picture

Loved this. The thought of Brett sitting in prison made me smile.

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

Dougger's picture

I have to read at least one of these paragraphs every week to my roommate because i laugh so hard:
"Illinois remains a raging dumpster fire, and honestly it seemed like toward the end there Tim Beckman and company were just picking random offensive plays out of a hat to see if anything worked. Spoiler alert: it did not. If I had to track Nathan Scheelhaase's evolution as a quarterback, I'd just sadly play a slide whistle and then kick a dog. This was also another one of the Big Ten's trophy games, so even if Northwestern can't get a B1G Championship Game berth out of it, at least they got a cool hat."
oh my god that is pure gold. spoiler alert!!

I like football

pjtobin's picture

Ccan u please do one of these a week for basketball? I know more about the bigs coaches from your hilarious stories than I ever would have thought. Thank u. U have a talent of making my brain envision your lines. Awesome stuff. I will miss these. And the whistle dog kick was a true lol for me also! Thanks again. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

Et_Tu_OSU's picture

The rest of the B1G?
They are just a bunch of panzies...

"The revolution will be televised."

buckeyewalker's picture

The problem, and the thing that guarantees a gruesome B1G bowl season this year, is that the B1G must fulfill its bowl commitments even with 2 of its 3/4 (depending on PSU vs TTUN ranking) best team ineligible. Therefore, Just like when the B1G has an at large BCS team, everyone has to slide up, except this time, even the teams in the higher bowls suck ass. Bad news bears for the B1G. Rooting Hard for Nebraska this winter.
 

IBLEEDSCARLETANDGRAY's picture

Actually, considering how mediocre the rest of the B1G was this season, outside the Rose Bowl, the B1G has a decent shot to win. Of course it will be against schools from the Mountain West or MAC and will be in such sunny cities as Memphis, Birmingham and...Pittsburgh.
On second thought, nevermind. I dont even want to watch it.

"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

Jarrett's picture

I was going to say "NOT so fast my friend!" but you covered.  It's just a terrible shame that the Bit Ten is sooo, incredibly bad. We have maybe a fiddy-fiddy chance winning against the "best little teams" in the whole bowl schedule. I am already ashamed for our lack of production and competitiveness when it comes to out of conference results...argh.

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Groucho Marx 

 

dtanmango's picture

Each one of the recaps were HILARIOUS -- loved the ode to space jam.
 
Oh man... the Wisconsin epilogue was as classic as it gets.

-dtan