B1G Recap: Mom Jeans

By Johnny Ginter on October 21, 2012 at 5:58a

Ooo, close but no cigar, Purdue. You almost did it, and it took a valiant effort filled with cheap shots and exponents and theorems and train whistles and whatever the hell else you nerds use to try to beat teams, but it was to no avail.

And that of course is because you never counted on one thing: a backup quarterback filled with the fury and might of not just one, but twenty adult contemporary smooth jazz performers. Even if Braxton Miller is "okay," maybe it's time to give the dude a little bit of a breather. You know, have him sit out a week so that Guiton and Guapo can form a duet of easy-listening clarinet sex and thunderous mariachi football stylings that should easily win some kind of football award for tortured analogies or something.

Anyway, the point is, the B1G has thrown everything they've got at Ohio State so far: injuries, incompetence, interceptions... whatever. Doesn't even matter anymore because the Buckeyes are still the class of the Big Ten and until someone puts together a team with fewer glaring issues than an Ohio State team with a ton of them, that will continue to be the case.

WISCONSIN 38, Minnesota 13

With Terminator-like precision, Bret Bielema made an instant analysis of the dope-ass party he was about to partake in. Buffet? Check. Fly honeys? Single moms everywhere, and some lady with a nametag reading "Aunt Liz" looks game. Double check. Thumpin' beats? Bret glanced at the karaoke machine set up to "Kidz Bop 28." BIG ol check. "Hershlag Bar Mitzvah, get ready to be rocked."

Bret quickly took control of the dance floor, gyrating his size 52 hips to the beat of "Call Me Maybe" as the Hershlag family's small children and elderly ran for safety. As sweat poured down his bloated face, he noticed Melanie Hershlag staring at him with same kind of disgust and admiration that often appeared on his face as he watched James White and Montee Ball completely take over a game against a hopelessly overmatched Minnesota team. "I'm crushing it," thought Bielema, as he began to flap his arms in time with the teen pop hit, revealing both his soaked armpits and an odor not unlike spoiled ham left out in the sun too long.

Finally, as the last strains of Carly Rae Jepsen's ode to calling her maybe floated across the room, Bret noticed that his compatriot Barry Alvarez had taken a break from stuffing his pants full of kosher mini-weenies from the buffet, and with the help of their escort Kandi, was now shirtless and glittered. Bret shut his eyes because he knew what was coming. "Oh no..."

Nebraska 29, Northwestern 28

This game was exactly like Revenge of the Nerds if the movie had played out like it would've in real life, with the nerds inexplicably gaining the upper hand for a while before the jocks remember what the hell is going on and then crush their opponent's souls. Pat Fitzgerald still has a pretty good running back in Venric Mark, but Taylor Martinez played like he tends to play against teams who no one really cares much about, going 27/39 for 342 yards. This was actually a pretty intense and exciting game! Except for the fact that Northwestern wore some really dumb alternate uniforms and helmets, kind of like the awkward skinny kid in high school who wore tank tops to show off his "guns" that he got from doing 5-pound curls in his dad's garage a couple of times last week.

Michigan 12, Michigan State 10

Well congratulations, Michigan! The team that you profess to not care about except when you do but not really because it's beneath you or something finally lost to you! And all it took was for them to be slightly crappier on offense than you were! That's just terrific. In a shocker, Denard Robinson completed less than half of his passes and threw an interception, which means he somehow outplayed Michigan State's Andrew Maxwell despite Maxwell having slightly better stats for the game.


Actually, to be completely honest I have no idea why I'm talking about the QBs for either team. Michigan scored all 12 of its points off of field goals, meaning that a place kicker whose family name comes from a species of ape ended up being the hero for the Wolverines. Neat. I'm sorry if you watched this game, because really the only enjoyment to be had was from my improvised drinking game involving Mark Dantonio's frowny faces. There were a lot of them.

Navy 31, Indiana 30

If an exciting game is played in a forest, but no one is there to see it, does anyone care? Navy got ten points in the last five minutes of play to beat Indiana in Maryland, in what would have been a marquee matchup... okay, probably never. I kind of buried this score because if I start accidentally making comparisons to Navy's defense and the Ohio State defense, I'm gonna get pretty sad. Also something like 33 thousand people actually turned out for this game, and when I found out about that I kind of narrowed my eyes and said "...how?"

Penn State 38, Iowa 14

What if one day you wake up and someone tells you that Matt McGloin is the best QB in the conference? How mad would that make you? Because I'm just saying: that would make me Real Mad. And it might be coming. The Red Rocket passed for 289 yards and two touchdowns against a completely dog whipped Iowa team that has apparently reached that magical part of the season where they clearly do not wish to be playing football anymore. Iowa RB Mark Weisman gave it a go on a sprained ankle, but after 5 carries he managed only 9 yards. Which, hilariously, was almost half of the total yards that Iowa got from their ground game.

This is probably my lock for worst game of the week, if only because it was like a shot of adrenaline in the ass for Penn State fans and McGloin, both of whom I find intensely irritating.


Week 8 complete! Gosh, it seems like it's just getting closer and closer to that magical time of the year when the Big Ten can get crushed in bowl games in front of a huge audience. Can't wait!


Comments Show All Comments

BeijingBucks's picture

Johnny the B1G has made you a bitter bitter man...

None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. ~ John Milton

AngryWoody's picture

Mmmm, thats some nice mom jeans. I like it when the jeans cover the rib cage.

Our Honor Defend!

Hasbro's picture

Two of the last four articles HEAVILY reference the Kenny G. as Kenny G. thing.
It's gonna be a long week.

buckeyedude's picture

I hate when they call it "smooth jazz." I prefer contemporary jazz. Kenny G(the artist) and David Sanborn, among a few others were pioneers in the jazz/rock/r &b fusion genre. I know people love to hate on Kenny G(the artist) like they do Barney the Purple Dinosaur, but there are some really good artists in that genre. If yous guys would give some of the others a chance, you might be surprised.
I've seen Kenny G(the artist) in concert twice, and the man puts on a friggin great show. But he is no magician like Kenny G the football player.



buckeyepastor's picture

Season keeps getting stranger and stranger.  Penn State now looks to be the most complete team in the conference.   Whoever thought we'd be saying that back in August, raise your hand.   Yeah, that's what I thought.   "Big test for us in Happy Valley," is not a statement I thought I'd be making this year.     

"Woody would have wanted it that way" 

lcrumley89's picture

Or for the next 10 years which could be the case if O'Brien continues his voodoo magic

“There are some people addicted to alcohol, some people are addicted to gambling,” Luginbill said. “Urban Meyer is addicted to football, and he’s addicted to winning.”

buckeyedude's picture

Life isn't fair, is it? State Penn is supposed to be reeling for years because of the Sandusky Scandal, in a perfect world.



Doesntwork's picture

Well State Penn hasn't felt the impact of those scholy reductions yet.  give it a couple years and they could be down and out.

Urban John Simon Meyer's picture

But the defections have gutted the team, and I would have guessed they would have been more damaging for this year. All of the established talent that left, and they're still winning. Great job for a first year coach and great heart for the remaining athletes. 

dtanmango's picture

Mm, same with us though right? We had some defections too (not as much as they did), as well as a reduction in scholarships and we're righting the ship :P


Alhan's picture

I think I want to win this weekend even more than against Wisconsin. Michigan is still the ultimate win this year, but it's closer than it should be. Please be Nebraska Bucks and not Purdue Bucks against Penn State!

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

painterlad's picture

"Mom Jeans" is the perfect meme for the Big Ten this year because it's all about a group of people who are comfotable with where they are in life and have just given up. If Hope, Ferentz and maybe Pelini aren't fired at the end of the season it is becasue their fan bases think that narrow losses, mingled with the ocassional blow out, are fine becasue they have become comfotable with them. And keeping them is just like adding eleastic waistbands rather than doing sit ups.

To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.

Normal Buck's picture

I disagree in regard to the Nebraska fan base.  As to Iowa and Purdue, I'd say you're dead on.

painterlad's picture

There is no doubt that Nebraska fans won't accept mediocrity, which is why I said if Pellini isn't fired. Pellini wins enough to make his seat warm, but the Iowa and Purdue administrations seem to be very happy with ho-hum and making lower tier bowl games.

To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.

CowCat's picture

I totally agree with you.
College football is not the NFL.  There really aren't any "rebuilding years".   A good CFB staff plans for the yearly turnover and has a plan in place for development.
Basically, if you're handed the keys to a top-5 CFB school, with all the recruiting advantages, you need to win big within your first 3 seasons at most.

"We get paid to score touchdowns, not kick field goals"
-- Urban Meyer

MediBuck's picture

Upvote for the elastic waistband analogy. Perfect!!

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

Et_Tu_OSU's picture

Man, Johnny, if any article ever begged for mouse-overs, this was it.

"The revolution will be televised."

What the Fickell's picture

Boy, I really enjoyed the Bret Bielema part of this recap....felt like I was there (in the buffet line)!

Brady Hoke wears scarlet undies.

Urban John Simon Meyer's picture

Odd, I don't think being in a buffet line with Bielema would be something I "really enjoyed."

pug's picture

"And all it took was for them to be slightly crappier on offense than you were!". Didn't the beloved Bucks only beat MSU 17-16? Maybe we shouldn't cast stones if we live in a glass house...

Johnny Ginter's picture

the problem with this tongue in cheek recap stuff is that as long as we're undefeated it's becoming increasingly difficult for people to pick up on my sarcasm

just know that if OSU loses a game this year you'll see a very different B1G recap

Mix's picture

Big fan of the blonde. Sassy, yet mysterious. 
I'm also glad we won.


Johnny Ginter's picture

yeah i like amy poehler too

ajbosu1's picture

Brilliant stuff...again. Opening paragraph nailed it. 
Penn State worries me #sadface

TripleBuck's picture

I tried to think of a way to write this without sounding like that guy, but I couldn't, so here goes:
Kenny G plays the soprano saxophone, not the clarinet. The soprano sax looks similar to a clarinet, but, in fact, resides in the much cooler wing of the woodwind family (I may or may not have played the saxophone in the school band).

Johnny Ginter's picture

i was speaking hypothetically as if there was an alternate past where kenny g decided to pick up the clarinet and also did duets with bus performers in tijuana. i thought that shouldve been exceedingly obvious from the context, SIGH


but seriously, mistakes like that bug the hell out of me

TripleBuck's picture

Now I feel like an even slightly bigger tool than I already did for raining on a solid post.  Though that may also be due to the flood of memories that has come back as a result of the comment.  Most notably that I only knew this because I specifically asked the band director (of the band that I may or may not have been in) what kind of saxaphone Kenny G played because I thought he was the coolest.  
In other news, I'm new to the site but your avatar looks oddly familiar.  You didn't happen to live in Haverfield circa 2003-2004, did you?

Johnny Ginter's picture

hahaha why yes. yes i did live in haverfield, sup anonymous humanities scholars buddy

Lon_Paul's picture

Great stuff as always, Johnny!

MediBuck's picture

Johnny, damn you for leaving us on a cliffhanger regarding the Bret Bielma epic! It's like watching a slow-motion train wreck meeting LOST meeting The Death of Ivan Ilych. I can't quite decide if I want to hold my breath, chuckle, vomit, or do all three simultaneously.

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes