All Hail King Calipari, Breaker of Haters

By DJ Byrnes on April 5, 2012 at 3:25p
Mark Emmert isn't worth eye contact.

After Ohio State defecated on themselves during last week's Final Four loss to Kansas, I almost broke both of my legs trying to leap onto the Kentucky swag-wagon. My reasons were simple: 1) I loathe the entire state of Kentucky, and if their state "university" were to win, there was a chance their "students" would burn the entire state down. 2) I like Anthony Davis. 3) John Calipari is the man.

Yeah, I typed that third one. And you know what the best thing is? Nobody can deny it. John Calipari might as well have scaled the ladder on Monday night with his pants down. If he would have done that, then I would have stood and clapped. This article wouldn't have been written either, because I'd still be standing in the middle of my hovel... clapping.

The NCAA for so long has been the bully -- the ones blustering and grandstanding, the ones screwing kids over -- it was finally nice to watch Mark Emmert take one in the jaw. It's nice to know that for once, there is justice in this world, and justice has been rendered to these streets.

I am so sick, and so tired, of watching Mark Emmert whine and complain about "student-athletes" in a desperate attempt to hold on to his tax shelter. I am so sick, and so tired, of watching these people screw up things like "division one football play-offs." Hell, these people can't even institute a 4-team play-off because it might mess up their long-standing money trees

If Emmert really thought the one-and-done rule was a "mockery", then he would have said so before he handed John Calipari the trophy. What did he do? He tucked his pink penis between his legs and handed the trophy over to the man who had just owned him. Emmert gave the trophy to a man who basically said Emmert wouldn't have a job much longer. It was probably like having a pornographic dream for John Calipari. Only this time, he actually woke up on a pile of naked women and a glistening pinkie ring fastened around his finger.

But no, the tears did not stop there. Pete Thamel (noted Calipari hater) and Greg Bishop of the New York Times wrote an article which made me think they wrote it with quills dipped in vats of Calipari's haters' tears, their own included. 

Neither is David Stern, for that matter.

Rarely has a national title seemed to yield so little to celebrate. The starting five for the champion Kentucky Wildcats — a mix of freshmen and sophomores — are expected to enter the N.B.A. draft, and never again play for the college they ever so briefly attended.

See how the mood is set instantly? Can't you almost hear Pete Thamel proof-reading his work in His Very Serious Business Voice? I'm pretty sure this national championship means just as much to Kentucky's fans as any other. What's Thamel and his apprentice's issue here? That athletes are leaving without graduating? No, not really, because then Pete Thamel would have to get mad about a lot more people than just John Calipari's players. 

The confetti inside the Louisiana Superdome on Monday night, then, showered a remarkable basketball team, but also fell with a certain joylessness on a college sport many believe has been cynically compromised.

Again, who is observing this "certain joylessness on a college sport" which "many believe has been cynically compromised." I think I have the answer to the first part, because I'm sure it was a tough confetti-pill for Pete Thamel to swallow as he sat courtside on his business' dime. And, who exactly has compromised the system here? John Calipari, for recruiting the best players available to him? His players, for being the best they could be and winning a national title? "A certain joylessness", indeed. 

I'm sure Charles Robinson is already scampering around the ashes of Lexington, looking for clues and still calling himself an "investigative journalist". The national media has been waiting to catch Calipari on the big one for years. And now that he's finally gotten over on them, this is what they do. Insinuate that this title was basically worthless because the system has been "compromised." No, there's nothing compromised about the last team standing in a 68-team tournament. 

“John Calipari is doing what the system allows him to do,” said David Ridpath, an assistant professor of sport administration at Ohio University. “I guess in that sense, congratulations. Anyone who thinks that this has anything to do with the collegiate or educational model is flat-out wrong.”

Thanks for the observation, Assistant Professor David Ridpath; it's astute observations like that which I've come to expect from most collegiate professors. However, you are the one who is flat-out wrong. I know colleges professors still like to view themselves as Socrates shaping young mines on street corners, but this is the American collegiate model. 

Colleges rip students off, just like the NCAA rips-off the student-athletes. Look at Ohio State's extravagant Student Union. They built a 118 million dollar Student Union, then they billed the students for it. Then they raised tuition. Ohio State's next scheme involves a 375 million dollar payment and leased parking garages. Seeing as most of the administration and tenured professors have luxurious "A" parking passes, I wonder whose backs the company paying Ohio State 375 million dollars plans to make its money back on?

Oh, and Assistant Professor David Ridpath, lest you think this is simply happening at Ohio State, it's not. It's going on at all levels of American secondary education, from private universities to community colleges with swelling enrollment. 

Let me know when universities stop using sports as a fundraising tool or start returning some of these big checks they're earning on the backs of these stars. How much does the NCAA make off March Madness? Oh, that's right... 11 billion dollars over the next 13 years in TV revenue ALONE. (For comparison, March Madness cost taxpayers in this country 2.7 billion. The NCAA doesn't foot any of that bill, because again, the NCAA doesn't pay taxes.

Louisville Coach Rick Pitino, a longtime Calipari rival whose team lost to Kentucky in the semifinals, said he marveled at the way Calipari operated at Kentucky. But he added: “I couldn’t do it. I can’t say hello and goodbye in seven months. It’s just not me.”

This is quote from Calipari's bitter rival is a gem because Rick Pitino once jizzed after 15 seconds of sex. I'm pretty sure a guy who repeatedly had sex on a restaurant floor wouldn't have a problem telling a kid "hello" and "goobye" in seven months. But then again, if that's all he's telling the kid in those seven months, then maybe Rick Pitino isn't a very good coach after all. 

And wasn't Pitino after that Teague kid? The same one who everybody assumes is going pro now that Calipari has led him to greatness? Funny how that works.

Few could argue the on-court benefits of Calipari’s approach. Six of his last seven teams at Memphis and at Kentucky advanced at least to the regional final of the N.C.A.A. tournament, among the final eight teams remaining. The seventh, Memphis in 2009, lost in the regional semifinals. (Two teams that Calipari led to the Final Four — Memphis in 2008 and Massachusetts in 1996 — later had their victories vacated by the N.C.A.A., although Calipari was never implicated in any wrongdoing.)

"Few could argue the on-court benefits of Calipari's approach, but the two writers of this piece are going to try. All of his major victories except the ones leading up to Monday's capstone have been vacated; although sadly, Calipari has never been implicated in ANY wrong doing." 

There's their paragraph in half the words, and one which is much more honest to their readers.

Calipari has also had 13 players selected in the first round of the N.B.A. draft, with Derrick Rose and John Wall being selected first over all. Davis, the most outstanding player in this Final Four, is expected to be taken first over all in this summer’s draft.

Gee, John Calipari MUST BE GAMING THE SYSTEM. That, or he's just good at his job, has put produced a litany of successful professional basketball players, and supremely talented, amateur basketball players (the only ones going to the NBA) naturally want to play for him.

Calipari rankled basketball purists when he said that the day in 2010 when five of his players were picked in the draft’s first round ranked among the greatest in the history of the storied Kentucky program.

Who were these "basketball purists" which were "rankled" by Kentucky's 2010 team? If anybody can find me a necromancer to raise ANY of Adolph Rupp's title-winning teams from the grave (including that gasbag of a racist himself), I will pay them all -$32 I have in my bank account right now. The spread to that game would be Kentucky's 2010 team (-40), by the way.

Seriously, I want to know who these rankled basketball purists were. Because then I'll just show them a video of the 2010 title game and see what those same purists have to say about that degradation to their game.

During the Final Four, Calipari mocked the notion that players going to school for just a year undermined the educational mission of the university, invoking the names of famous college dropouts like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.

So, Calipari "mocked" the system by pointing out pioneers which weren't produced by the system? He "mocked" it by pointing out fact? These are the words on the types of words on which agendas ride, my friends.

... Over all, the article is a trail of tears which would even make the Cherokee and Seminole tribes shake their head in disbelief. Again, what is the travesty here? That the best, most-talented team finally won the tournament? That's the realest thing to happen to college sports in the last year. Is it because these kids aren't graduating? As if kids aren't fleeing programs across the country without first graduating? As if Derrick Rose would be better off listening to Assistant Professor David Ridpath instead of signing a 95 million dollar extension?

I hope John Calipari stays at Kentucky. (He will fail in the NBA, again.) If Ohio State can't win every title until I die, then I hope it's teams coached by John Calipari. I hope he keeps winning titles until the NCAA is forced to to change the rules to stop him. I certainly wouldn't expect anything less from a bunch of tear-jerking nancies.

The NCAA is dead. All hail King Calipari.


Comments Show All Comments

BrewstersMillions's picture


Great piece per the norm DJ. Anyone that induces as much butt hurt as Coach Cal is ok in my book.

awwwwwwop's picture

God the pitino destruction was just so so good. [REDACTED COMMENT]

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

William's picture

Not appropriate at all. 

awwwwwwop's picture

My bad. If I could edit it I would. Not trying to offend anybody but pitino

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

William's picture

Gotcha, just imagine that mentioning that is against commenting policy. 

awwwwwwop's picture

Yea probably

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

I took care of it for you.

awwwwwwop's picture

Thank you very much Ramzy.

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

slippy's picture

So can someone inform me how APR works?  Calipari after this year will have something like 7 freshmen, 3 sophs and 2 jrs leave early for the NBA draft in just 3 years.  How does UK not get penalized for this?  Isn't that the reason other coaches don't recruit every single superstar?

William's picture

They're going to get reamed soon, and when they do, Calipari will jump ship.

RedStorm45's picture

Don't know the specifics, but I believe programs must maintain a 2 year average of 930.  See UConn for more details.

jamo0001's picture

Early entries don't negatively affect the APR as long as the athletes were in good academic standing at the time of departure. They're essentially "graduating" as far as the NCAA is concerned.

If they're not in good standing, though, you're penalized twice as much as you would be if they just dropped out or if they didn't make the grades.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

"shaping young mines on street corners"

He'd probably be dead and not able to write that nugget - sorry, couldn't help myself!!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

DJ Byrnes's picture

Hahahhahahahahhaahahaha. God, I'm an idiot. I didn't even see that and I "proof read" like 3 times. I'll let it stand, along with the lack of a second parenthesis a little further down, as an eternal monument to things I don't know.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

That one made me howl as well!!! 

It reminded me of something that happened when I was in bank security!  Some jackass robbed a bank in downtown Columbus (a very long time ago) when the diepacks were loaded with .45 shells.  The teller stuffed like 5 of them in the bag and this idiot stuffed it down his pants as he left.  Well, needless to say, as he was standing on the corner they went off - so did his shorts as did Little Willie and the Twins!!! OUUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

BrewstersMillions's picture

I don't know man...when its Memphis and Umass pulling dudes, that's one thing. This is Kentucky. A coach like Cal with the Kentucky backdrop makes recruiting a lot easier.

thatlillefty's picture

But did Warren G fill out a bracket this year?

DJ Byrnes's picture

Warren G. Harding only does college football. Don't worry, I fully intend to resurrect him this fall. 

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

rlyle6's picture

Please don't... The worst President this country has ever had needs no resurrection.

William's picture

There are at least 10 presidents worse than Harding: Wilson, Grant, Adams, Nixon, Carter, Jackson, Pierce, Fillmore, Buchanan, Johnson and my sleeper pick as one of the most overrated presidents of all time, FDR.

-1 HS
tennbuckeye19's picture

Kids that are playing for Cal @ Kentucky do not care that they are playing @ Kentucky. When Cal left Memphis, he took the recruits like John Wall with him. Its all about getting their ticket to the NBA, and Cal has proven he can get kids there. If they happen to win an NCAA championship along the way, great. If they don't, oh well, they'll be in the NBA. 

I don't know a single Kentucky fan who was excited about getting him as their coach. All of them thought he was bad news, that is until he came and started winning (of course poop on a stick could've followed Billy Gillispie and UK fans would've probably approved). And now they are all Cal apologists. 

It is what it is. Cal is a used car salesman disguised as a coach and he's using the system better than anyone out there. The guy is shadier than an oak tree, but I don't fault him for what he's doing. I don't believe him for a second when he says "this isn't about me". We all know he's got an ego greater or equal to the size of Madison Saquare Garden (which could very well be where he coaches next year). I don't like Cal, but there is no denying the success he's had. 

btalbert25's picture

Is he really any different than Urban?  Like it or not, the dude himself has never gotten caught in any recruiting violations.  His 2 scandals where 1 player taking gifts from an agent and the other was a kid having someone else taking the the SAT for him.  He doesn't accept the idea he should recruit guys that aren't good.  If football had one and dones guess what, URBAN WOULD RECRUIT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.  Do you think Urban sells what it means to be a Buckeye?  EFF NO, he sells himself to the players.  Look at the guys I'VE coached and the success they've had.  Top tier recruits don't care about anything but getting to the NFL or NBA and they will play for the guys who can get them there. 

I don't like Cal, but I thought when Pitino left for Boston UK should of hired him.  I thought when Tubby Smith left he should've been hired as well.  He doesn't pull any punches about it. He goes after guys by telling them they'll go to the NBA, he has a tremendous track record of sending them there and the reason he can get all these guys is because he has the ego and is cocky.  

He goes into a house and sits down and says oh yeah, Thad Matta good coach he's had 1 number 1 overall pick right, sent a hand full of guys to the NBA right.  I have 3 number one picks  in the last 5 years and in the last 3 years I've had 13 guys drafted.  That's the pitch he'll give after this season.  NOW he has a 2 final fours and a title in 3 years at Kentucky he can point at too.  

buckeye76BHop's picture

Nice article DJ...gotta love the way you started it too.  Just don't like Calipari much.  He's a great recruiter and you can't argue with what he's done at every stop.  He was due for one and that's all good.  Just hope for his sake and his players that years down the road shit doesn't come out like it did at UMASS.  However, I'd probably be secretly happy that it did.    

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."

"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."

Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

The only way he'll be the "Breaker of Haters" is if he wins something that isn't taken away down the road.

I am curious to know why you showed Rose's picture

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

DJ Byrnes's picture

Because in Mark Emmert's tax evasion utopia, Derrick Rose, a prodigy of Calipari's, would have still been in the NCAA (wallowing away at Memphis while his coach had skated to Kentucky for $$$$$$$$) instead of winning the MVP trophies and getting shoe deals.


Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

slippy's picture

Except Rose's SAT scandal would have kicked him out of the school...

Is it Saturday Yet's picture

I loved Cal's UMass squad with Camby etc. that backcourt was was awesome. I became a fan of his even after he got caught and was at Memphis. When he got hired on at Kentucky after stints at UMass and Memphis where he pissed Bobby Knight off to no end by not getting caught, I knew he was either going to win big or get into a crap load of trouble. You could see what he was doing at Memphis. I thought this was Matta's approach during the Thad five run. I don't like kids leaving college early purely for selfish reasons, I like college basketball more than the NBA. But didn't Cal himself say he'd like to see them stay for at least 2 years?

ShowThemOhiosHere's picture

Cal's paid to win basketball games, and do it right.  He has not been convicted himself of any violations.  He has won.  Mission accomplished.  Haters can suck on a fat one. 

Class of 2010.

btalbert25's picture

How is Calipari's past any diffent than the stuff from Tressel's past.  YSU got in trouble under his watch.  Ohio State had the Moe C fiasco under Tressel's watch.  He played the same card as Cal, and simply said I had no idea what was going on.  Then Tressel actually did get caught doing something wrong and he's still a saint.  Maybe the only difference is, Calipari has yet to be sloppy and just hasn't forgot cover his ass like Tressel did the last time.

Only difference is Tress was our guy. 

Kurt's picture

I enjoyed the article.  I don't disagree with your hate of the NCAA (for the money stuff), but from what I gather the one-and-done thing is the fault of the NBA, not the NCAA.

Corey Carpenter's picture

You're right, it is the NBA rule, but the NCAA loves it and Stern is trying to get it changed to 2 years. The current NBA players are stalling the idea, so Stern stressed that college isn't the only choice for kids, they can go overseas, play in the D-League or go to prep schools, they just have to be removed from high school for 2 years or be a certain age, like 20.

Mark Cuban wants to take it a step further and actually has some good ideas for changing the whole process. He continually points out the current system is "ruining kids lives."

William's picture

If you're going to make them wait 3 years why not just make them wait another year to get their degree?

onetwentyeight's picture

Oh NO U DIDNT just link to a BG music video ... 


the sad thing is as a new orleans native I recognize most of the locations where they shot it.



thorvath22's picture

You forgot to add '/End rant' at the end of this =]

Abe Froman's picture

Maybe an education on why Calipari got into trouble at Memphis? I loved the Rick notes.... Nothing like the visual of him having a tryst on the floor at a restaurant at the 5th street bridge. However, I thought it was in a booth? I could be wrong.

As for Kentucky fans not excited about Calipari, I know many fans of Kentucky as my core business activities are deep in the heart of the Jellico Rail District, and each and every one of them were and are stoked. They do turn a deaf ear to any talk of "when" he gets busted again but for now they revel in the success. As they should.

DJ, at first I thought you didn't like Calipari, but after considering the article more, is it fair to say that the reason you like him is purely due to his ability to not get caught by the NCAA? Or is it that he continues to succeed? Just trying to clear this angle up, because it is truly a different reason to like a coach and it makes a great read.

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

btalbert25's picture

I think they were stoked when he got hired, but at different points in the past they didn't like the idea of Cal on their bench.  I live in Wildcat country and I have been to Rupp Arena for games probably at least 30 times and I'm here to tell you the love for Calipari came out of the failure that was Billy Gillespie. 

I said when Tubby Smith left, they must hire Calipari.  I thought throughout Tubby's tenure they should of cut him loose earlier and brought Cal to the program.  They never offered him the job when Tubby left they were scared by him.  I'd bring it up to friends that were UK fans, I'd bring it up in the stands of Rupp Arena to people who sat around my friend's season tickets and I always got the same response.  NO WAY!!!!! He recruits thugs, he's a cheater, it'd be Eddie Sutton all over again.  Terrible hire.  Now those same people worship the man. Fans are hypocrites is all it is.  Their fanbase isn't unique.  Remember how divided our fanbase was about Urban Meyer.  People actually believed Fickell would be a better choice and hated the idea of bringing Meyer on.  Now the overwhelming majority of fans absolutely love Urban Meyer. 

Abe Froman's picture

Yeah, I would agree with those statements, however I don't have the background in Rupp or in talking to the fans about whom they should have hired when Tubby was there. Based on the people I have talked to, I would definitely imagine them making comments about Cal before he was hired though.

Hindsight is always 20/20 when it comes to coaching. Who thought Tressel would be as successful as he was? Most thought Glen Mason had the best shot. Personally, I think fans look at coaches much like a really good athlete, you hate them when they are on the other side, but on your team you are behind them 100%. Funny how we revert to the most elementary of emotions when we cheer for our teams. (think of when you were in elementary school and didn't like the teams you played in sports, then one year later, when you are playing with them in middle school, you are now a fan)

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

sir rickithda3rd's picture

I love Calipari because he continually "sticks it to the man". His ego is big but how many successful coaches dont have a big ego?

mark may wins douchebag of the year... again

doodah_man's picture

So the burning question is, do the members of the KY team who are going to the NBA get to join their alumni association?

Jim "DooDah" Day

"If I were giving a young man advice as to how he might succeed in life, I would say to him, pick out a good father and mother, and begin life in Ohio.” --Wilbur Wright, 1910