Weekend Update Sponsored by the Don Mega

By DJ Byrnes on December 29, 2011 at 3:25p

The 29th and Most Hated On President of the United States of America, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer, and lover of life. Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife--which tanked the economy), his words here might as well come to your doorstep in the form of etched stone tablets. President Harding has been raised through the medieval art of necromancy in order to lead his flock to prosperity by wagering on this year's collegiate football games. (All views and opinions presented here should be considered only those of Warren G. Harding himself, obvii.)

My Fellow Ohioans, 

As we plow forth into the 21st century, I am sure every son and daughter of beloved Ohio has noticed the haterz surrounding our gates. Wherever you're turn, there the detractors are, ready to take glory from our state and have you believe she isn't the finest jewel remaining in our decadent country. I, Warren Gamaliel Harding, the 29th and Most Hated on President of the United States of America and True Ruler of the Eternal Cocaine Galaxies, will not stand for this anymore.

When I was offered a chance at resurrection by powerful necromancers from Marion, Ohio, I was originally skeptical. I had been dead for 88 years and the Mortals were still bound, by and large, to the pebble they were birthed on. Had my jealous hag of a wife, Florence Harding, not stood in the way of destiny, Mortals would have sipped from the Chalice of Immortality back in the 1950's. I can only imagine where my sheep would be hadn't my wife attempted to separate shepherd from flock.

Squabbles aside, even after pissing away an extra $90,000 on a 2-team Presidential Power Parlay in week five of the season (on a game which the fix was on for Kentucky [+28.5] over LSU), I'm cooling my heels on a 187,739.66 dollar pile of cash. Now, I already hear the haterz whispering in the streets, "Well, if he really was all that, he'd have a lot more than $187,000" as if $187,000 isn't 187,000 times the amount of money player-hating pays.

Could I have gazed into my tea-leaves and put out winners every weekend? You're damn right, I could. My goons and I could have bankrupted Vegas over one weekend if we truly got down to brass tacks. But here's what the hater's don't understand: their thirst will never be quenched. Their greed will lead them, much like a mule following a carrot it's too stupid to realize is on a string, to anonymous death in a grave that is much deeper than any personality they ever developed.

Vegas -- if harvested right -- provides a man ample chance to cobble together a more than satisfactory life for little to no work at all. Besides, if we bankrupted Vegas, who would we turn to when we (literally) blow our winnings? Contentment with normalcy, is a rare skill these days, it would seem.

So here we are. After finally getting through a bunch of exhibitions nobody will ever care about (which makes them easy to fix, for you go-getters out there), we're finally on the steps of the games that mean a little more than an exhibition but nowhere as much as the title game. DJ was kind enough to reward the tip of my loaded AK-47 with his entire column this week. I am unleashing all my picks, including the last $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay of the year. 

There will be wins. There will be losses. But in the end, if you follow your shepherd through the storm, you will be stronger (and more prosperous) when we reach the other side. Now, let Daddy Warbux show you where the cash is at...

Last: -$10,000 [ LSU (13.5)Oklahoma State (-3.5), Wisconsin (-9.5)]



CITRUS BOWL: Florida State (-2.5) vs. Notre Dame - Thursday 5:30 EST - ESPN
You know how I would spice this game up if I were still President of the United States? By sacrificing the loser and their fanbase to the collegiate football gods. C'mon, you're telling me you wouldn't watch that? While I wouldn't have even watched this game in 1994, I may check this game's fourth quarter out during my post-coital Newport. I suspect Florida State will be winning when I do.

ALAMO BOWL: Washington (+9.5) vs. #12 Baylor - Thursday 8:00 EST - ESPN
Hmmmm. ESPN sure seems to have a lot of contracts with bowls people will watch on weekdays because there's nothing else on. No wonder they're all for this expansion -- it means more money for them. Anyway, I know this Robert Griffin III is the cock of the walk at the moment, but I have a stern gambling policy: "Wager against any Heisman Trophy Winner Not Named Tim Tebow After They Receive Their Trophy." Just thank me later.

FIGHT HUNGER BOWL: Illinois (-3.5) vs. UCLA - Saturday 3:30 EST - ESPN

I don't even think if they handed out free cocaine with a ticket (and really, what better way to fight hunger?) people would go watch this game. I'm sure these two teams will taking a season's worth of aggression out of each other will lead to some fracas. A 6'5" 240 lbs. man may get shoved. People will then tweet things like, "LOOK AT THIS OUTRAGEOUS FIGHT HUNGER BOWL BRAWL" with a link to their website while self-righteous sportswriters will tsk-tsk from the sidelines. If this were to be a game decided by naked women wrestling in pools filled with noodles and Hennessy, I'd have no choice but to roll with the vixens of Westwood. Unfortunately for humanity, this game will be decided with undisciplined and blatantly amateur football plays, and nobody does that better than Illinois. FOR THE ZOOKER, ILLINOIS.

LIBERTY BOWL: Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt (-2) - Saturday 3:30 EST - ABC
Fuck Cincinnati.

TICKETCITY BOWL: #20 Houston (-7) vs. #24 Penn State - Monday 12:00 EST - ESPNU
HOUSTON HAS THE BEST STRIP CLUBS IN AMERICA. There's really nothing else to compute in this equation. 

OUTBACK BOWL: #12 Michigan State vs. #18 Georgia (-3.5) - Monday 1:00 EST - ABC
I'm sure in 50 years, these kids will look back after reminiscing on their lost conference title games and say, "But at least we won the Outback Bowl!" Sadly for them, they will be the only ones who remember this game. The Big Ten was wretched this year. This will start their long, painful beating at the hands of superior foes. 

CITRUS BOWL: #21 Nebraska vs. #10 South Carolina (-2) - Monday 1:00 EST - ESPN
Taylor Martinez against a pretty good defense and I'm only giving up 2 points? I'll roll with my chances because I'm a Son of Fortune.

ROSE BOWL: #9 Wisconsin vs. #6 Oregon (-5) - Monday 5:00 EST - ABC
Russell Wilson is a thoroughbred who has won me a lot of cash, make no mistake, but Braxton Miller almost got charged with assault after what he did Wisconsin's defense. Yes, a few years ago, ironman Jim Tressel broke Oregon over his own knee in what was an absolute textbook Tresselization. Bret Bielema, however, is no Jim Tressel. Speaking of the Bielema, I wondered the other day -- when I saw the Pac-12 and B1G had brokered a "cultural agreement" -- if he soiled himself when he realized his team wouldn't be able to feast on an out-of-conference schedule made of sugar-pops and candy canes anymore? But then I realized that agreement doesn't take hold until 2017, and Bret Bielema will have been fired for sending inappropriate cell phone pictures to a female trainer long before then. LaMichael James may go for 500 total yards. Ducks will embarrass Wisconsin.

FIESTA BOWL: #4 Stanford vs. #3 Oklahoma State (-3.5) - Monday 8:30 EST - ESPN
Vegas wants you to see "Andrew Luck AND Points" and have your eyes light up like a prepubescent boy staring upon a woman's chest-testicles for the first time. IT. IS. A. TRAP. Andrew Luck can't play defense. Brandon Weeden -- who is old enough to have sired Andrew Luck in some parts of history -- will outshine the heralded prospect. Justin Blackmon goes for over 100 yards and two touchdowns and gets drafted by the Cleveland Browns with the #4 pick of the 2012 NFL draft. (Hey haterz, I'M JUST SAYIN.)

WArren g. harding's $10,000 presidential power parlay

RT @J_Chastain: Would you put better odds on the world's saddest chimp or the world's strongest rat. This is an illegal tournament, btwAND SO THE SOUTH SEALED ITS DEATH WARRANT.

Good golly, there are a lot of terrible games between the Fiesta Bowl and the national title game. In my day, bowls were simply named after fruit and played for smoke-filled parlor bragging rights. Who wants to watch something like Clemson and West Virginia? WHY? WHY WOULD ANYBODY WATCH THAT GAME? To each folk his own stroke, I suppose. Still, I do not want to watch most of these games, let alone gamble on them.

So let us cut to the chase. I went on a late-season slide and for that I apologize. There are valleys and mountains in everything in life, and I am proud to report we now may be standing near the peak. Investment in this week's $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay will yield the investor a profit of $66,891.91 untaxed United States dollars. The winning ticket goes as such:

GATOR BOWL: Ohio State (+2.5) vs. Florida - Monday 1:00 EST - ESPN2
I bet the ESPN executives got a real chuckle out of when they relegated Ohio State to the Deuce. ("Ho, ho, ho! Buckeyes fans! And it's even better than the channel you'll play on next year!" one of them probably joked as they finalized the schedule.) Ohio State -- my adopted alma mater since mine burned down in a fire at the turn of the 20th century -- has lost every time I've wagered on them this year. EVERY TIME. Do you know what this means? It means Ohio State is DUE. I know there's some psychologist with some "theory" out there about how teams are never "due", but that guy is probably also disagrees on the fact cocaine is vital to a man's constitution. I think Ohio State dumps Florida before opening a new glorious chapter in its history. I also look forward to some uneducated southerner (redundant, I know) misspelling their anti-Urban Meyer sign.

SUGAR BOWL: #13 Michigan (-2.5) vs. #17 Virginia Tech - Tuesday 8:30 EST - ESPN

Good thing Michigan has sucked the last few years. Their fans were all the willing marks to gobble up their first chance at BCS tickets since the Bush Administration. I feel dirty picking a team which couldn't cover against a 6-5 (at the time) Ohio State team at home in their team's biggest game of the year, but yet, here we are. Although, I see it as a win/win. If Michigan wins, then our coffers could thicken. If Michigan loses, then I can degrade Michigan trolls in Ohio. Michigan in a rout.

TITLE GAME: #1 LSU (PK) vs. #2 Alabama - Monday Jan. 9th - 7:30 EST - ESPN
LOL if you don't think LSU is about to take Alabama out behind the outhouse and beat them within an inch of their life. El oh el.



buckeyedude's picture

Did Harding really say that?



Run_Fido_Run's picture

DJ, Vegas bookmakers don't care about "trapping" small time bettors. A misconception is that Vegas lines are designed to attract roughly equal numbers of bettors on each side of the line. That's false. The object is to attract roughly an equal amount of money on each side.

What the bookmakers worry about is the heavy hitters (i.e., "syndicates") exposing a weak line, throwing large quantities of money at one side, which won't be offset by smaller bets and thus might expose them to a hit if the big tickets cash (note: the bookmakers can also make more money this way, too, but they'd prefer to make the sure profits; and, besides, the wagers made by such professional "heavy hitters" tend to outperform those made by small-time gamblers).

In other words, if 1,000 punters each bet $100 on Stanford (for a total of $100,000), but three different whales each bet $100,000 on Oklahoma State (for a total of $300,000), and then Oklahoma State proceeds to win handily, well, the bookie's "trap" just blew up in his face. That's why the oddsmakers would never intentionally construct a bad line with the intention of luring suckers - for the most part, the suckers are small timers.

If the bookmakers really believed that Stanford was as undermmaned as you think they are, the line would have been more like 6, 8, or even 10 pts.         

DJ Byrnes's picture

... Warren G. Harding is a syndicate.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Run_Fido_Run's picture

WGH was above such shenanigans. Under the WGH administration, the syndicates shuddered in fear. They offered "donations" in homage to WGH's authority, but WGH had his underlings communicate to the syndicates - via back channels, of course - that they were to send their forgiveness payments to the Little Sisters of the Poor.      

DJ Byrnes's picture

Honestly, I wouldn't have put sports fixing above the Ohio Gang. Harry Daughtery, the U.S. Attorney General, certainly wasn't above it. The Black Sox put the fix in a year before he was elected, so I'm sure that wasn't the only fix to be put in (especially back in those days).


Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Cross Village's picture

Warren "G is for Graft" Harding sez it all.

DJ Byrnes's picture

Warren Harding was never implicated in graft. The G also stands for "cocaine", but everybody knows this. 

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Menexenus's picture

DJ, why does WGH despise Cincinnati so much?  (Is there some backstory that I missed?)

Real fans stay for Carmen.

Doc's picture

I grew up in Cincy and those are my sentiments too.

"Say my name."

thatlillefty's picture

lol... i was surprised by this too.

I flew back from DC to spend the holidays in Cincy..lovin it

Doc's picture

What is really that special about the 'Nati? The restaurants aren't that good, the museums are fair. Theirsports teams are middling', at best. The worst thing about it is my family are there.

"Say my name."

biggy84's picture

Cincy airport is in Ky. (don't want the town to reflect the great state of Ohio)

Doc's picture

They act like they are separate from the rest of the state anyway. I say good riddance. Cincy wants to be a big city, but hucks up any chance they get to be one. BT, I'm not stepping on your shoes, cause your a Kentuckian.

"Say my name."

The Vest-er's picture

I love the 'Nati/noky area, but this separatist attitude irritates the hell out of me.

Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.

DefendOhio's picture

Cincy has never been kind to OSU anyways. Cleveland on the other hand, has been a godsend for the Buckeyes. 

DJ Byrnes's picture

Cincinnati, and really southwestern Ohio (outside of West Dayton), don't really have much in common with Ohio culturally. They're a southern city living on the coattails of Northern might.  Warren G. Harding generally hates the South and any of its sympathizers. See the Presidential Power Parlay picture as well as google "George 'Snitchin'' Remus" for why this may be.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Bucksfan's picture

Nominated for dumbest post of the year.

William's picture

You'll have to explain to me what is so dumb about this post. Cincy really doesn't share much culturally with either Columbus or Cleveland. It really is a Southern city in the Midwest (Not saying that is a bad thing.)

Bucksfan's picture

Right, because Cincinnati doesn't have huge pride in their local colleges, a huge high school football scene, a pathalogically idiotic devotion to their pro football team...and quite frankly you're going to have to name the other aspects to Ohio "culture" that Cincinnati doesn't share, because I can't really think of any.  Skyline and Graeters made its way to Columbus and people love it.

It is in no way a "southern city."

btalbert25's picture

Yeah I'm not buying the Southern City stuff either.  I'm pretty sure Cincinnati is much more culturally similar to Columbus than it is to Atlanta, Birmingham, Memphis, or New Orleans.  

Bucksfan's picture

The only way you can get grits in Cincinnati is if you go to Cracker Barrel.  And even though Montgomery Inn is f'ing great, southerners would scoff at the notion that we pay $26 for barbecue in a fancy setting.  Columbus even has a better jazz scene.

Calling Cincinnati a "southern city" is one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard.

DJ Byrnes's picture

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

William's picture

Bucksfan, you do realize that both links you have posted describe riots that took place in the 1960s, and that DJ's link referenced a riot that took place in 2001? 

Bucksfan's picture

And most race riots that happened in the south happened in the 1960s.  Atlanta hasn't had a race riot since 1906.  So, your point is...?  My point was that race riots are irrelevant as a criteria.  LA had race riots as recently as 1994.  Are you going to start saying that LA is more of a "southern city" because they had recent race riots, despite the fact that there are many cities in the south that haven't had any in almost 100 years?  Get real.  That argument is weak at best, but in reality pretty stupid, for lack of a better word.

btalbert25's picture

So, a city has tension between police and minorities so that makes them southern?  I guess pretty much every city with cops and minorities would be a southern city then.  

DJ Byrnes's picture

I have no choice but to secede my position in the face of such a logically thought out position. Exquisite rebuttal. 

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Bucksfan's picture

Yours wasn't well-thought out either.  I'm not here to apply for Ohio-membership on Cincinnati's behalf.  You're just straight-up wrong on this one.

Menexenus's picture

Let's not argue over the views of a fictionally resurrected dead president.  (I only asked because I thought I might have missed some something in a previous installment of the Power Parlay.)

In retrospect, I think DJ's best answer to my question would have been, "Because that's how the G-man rolls, motherfucker!"

Real fans stay for Carmen.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Ever been through the Piketon\Lucasville\Portsmouth area? I am not originally from the great state of Ohio but spent much of my 4 years at OSU in those stinkholes of towns (Dated a beauty queen from Lucasville). The mere fact that I dated a 'beauty queen' from that area of Ohio should lend creedence to your theory here. I propose you extend your scope from sw ohio to at least include South Central Ohio.

Do I come off as arrogant? Shame on me, I was hoping it would be more obvious.

DefendOhio's picture

F-ck Cincinnati indeed.

Bucksfan's picture

F*ck you, Warren G. Harding.

blazers34's picture

The anti-cincinnati argument is so damn stupid.  there arent as many buckeye backers down here, but there are still a ton!  and we are further away from that shit hole up north

Run_Fido_Run's picture

I had to think about this for a second.

I should have immediately recognized that the "shit hole" you meant is Jabba's new hometown, but at first glance, I actually thought you were referring to the Mistake by the Lake - you know, because of the bitter Bengals v. Browns rivalry (sarc.) and all. LOL. 

blazers34's picture

haha, nope.  i love everything about cleveland but the browns and my ex girlfriend and her family

onetwentyeight's picture

I hate all those "bUCkeye state" shirt sporting idiots in the Nati. I hope we unleash some major WHOSE YO DAADDYYY??!!! whoop-ass on them in 2014.


that is all. 

JakeBuckeye's picture

How can you come to hate them? They have to have some semblance of consistent success before they warrant any time spent on them. At this point they are just like a cute little toothless puppy trying to bite you with its gums.

btalbert25's picture

No one stepping on my toes, I don't need people to tell me if Cincy and NKY are nice or not. I like the area and that's all that matters to me. It's completely objective anyway.  I like Cincinnati and I like NKY. Also, let's face it, none of the 3 big Ohio cities are exactly gems.   They all have nice points and they all have plenty of negatives too.  Maybe not being an Ohioan I can say that I pretty much don't recognize much of a difference between Cincinnati and Columbus. I've never spent enough time in Cleveland to be able to comment on it. Quite honestly, I never have heard or seen that many people have that much animosity toward Columbus around here either.  Seems like Cleveland is the city in Ohio Cincinnatians don't like.  

In terms of love for Ohio state, meh, it's obviously not the passionate level that Columbus is, but there are a lot of Ohio State fans over there.  Probably more so than any other college football team.  Sure Notre Dame is loved because of the huge Catholic population.  UC was popular for a while, but people that I know who loved Ohio State, didn't all the sudden hate Ohio State, if nothing else it was mostly basketball fans or casual fans who jumped on that Bearcat Bandwagon.  Some of the local radio folks too, but they are payed to stir the pot to get people to call in and argue. 

Regionally, I'd take a weekend in Cincinnati or Columbus over a weekend in Indy, Dayton, or Lexington.  Regionally speaking though, I'd much rather spend a weekend in Louisville than Cincinnati or Columbus. 


biggy84's picture

Louisville? Really? Yuck!

burkmon's picture

Ouch!  Having lived in Columbus, Louisville and Dayton... that hurts.  Louisville is a beautiful city.  Nothing in any city compares to the weeks building up to the Derby.  A lot of improvements in Louisville over the last 20 yrs.  Love C-bus, but ultimately family brought us back to Dayton.  Living within a few hours of all places mentioned is wonderful.


Bucksfan's picture

Nothing in any city compares to the weeks building up to the Derby.

'cept maybe the Indy 500.


biggy84's picture

Is it the nice brown water, idiotic highway system, or growing gang violence that makes it so nice? There is a reason why Shelbyville, and sorrounding areas, are growing. It's because Louisville is a hole.

spqr2008's picture

And some of us just want UC to be good enough to destroy TSUN in recruiting Ohio.  I don't care if they get 1 or 2 guys we would have gotten a year, as long as TSUN doesn't get them.  I want a fence around Ohio by both Urban, and the UC coach.  That way TSUN can't even get 3 stars from Ohio.

Nappy's picture

I was born and raised in Dayton and can honestly say there is nothing there worth visiting outside of the Air Force Museum.  But Indy is awesome.  If you've never made it up for the 500, you should.  And the Super Bowl will be 10 minutes from my house in a few weeks.

I never saw a football player make a tackle with a smile on his face

LABuckeye's picture

Off topic, but nowhere else to post this... kinda funny if you are watching the Alamo Bowl hearing Spielman's frustration with the (lack of) defense.

Menexenus's picture

I came here to write the exact same off-topic post!  Spiels could barely hide his contempt for the utter lack of D displayed in that game.  Good for him!


(Hey mods, how about some bowl game open threads?)

Real fans stay for Carmen.

GlueFingers Lavelli's picture

maybe these kids all tackle so poorly so they can get ready for the Nerf Football League. That's my theory on Travis "arm tackling" Howard.

Dustin Fox was our leading tackler as a corner.... because his guy always caught the ball.

RBuck's picture

Gotta ask the staff, not the moderators.

Long live the southend.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

He also sounded pretty damn sick too - perhaps he was a bit cranky because of a cold as well.

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

The Nati is a cool city - I can do without those idiotic Bungal helmets though! 

I have spent many a night there drunken on Little Kings and stoned on, well, you know, in that town at the WEBN fireworks, Big Red Machine games, 100 or so concerts, and at Riverfront stadium when the Chargers were in town!!!

I have consumed about 6 tons of Skyline Chili and have been lost and stumbling around trying to find my car in Scooby Doo rows about 100 times at Kings Island!  God knows I'm probably still banned from the Kings Mill Inn down there because of the utter destruction we inflicted there on Grad Night!!!

I will add the following to the obnoxious fans at UC:  STFU - we have always owned you and we always will you little punk bitches!!!


The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced