Weekend Update Sponsored by the Don Mega

By DJ Byrnes on December 29, 2011 at 3:25p

The 29th and Most Hated On President of the United States of America, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer, and lover of life. Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife--which tanked the economy), his words here might as well come to your doorstep in the form of etched stone tablets. President Harding has been raised through the medieval art of necromancy in order to lead his flock to prosperity by wagering on this year's collegiate football games. (All views and opinions presented here should be considered only those of Warren G. Harding himself, obvii.)

My Fellow Ohioans, 

As we plow forth into the 21st century, I am sure every son and daughter of beloved Ohio has noticed the haterz surrounding our gates. Wherever you're turn, there the detractors are, ready to take glory from our state and have you believe she isn't the finest jewel remaining in our decadent country. I, Warren Gamaliel Harding, the 29th and Most Hated on President of the United States of America and True Ruler of the Eternal Cocaine Galaxies, will not stand for this anymore.

When I was offered a chance at resurrection by powerful necromancers from Marion, Ohio, I was originally skeptical. I had been dead for 88 years and the Mortals were still bound, by and large, to the pebble they were birthed on. Had my jealous hag of a wife, Florence Harding, not stood in the way of destiny, Mortals would have sipped from the Chalice of Immortality back in the 1950's. I can only imagine where my sheep would be hadn't my wife attempted to separate shepherd from flock.

Squabbles aside, even after pissing away an extra $90,000 on a 2-team Presidential Power Parlay in week five of the season (on a game which the fix was on for Kentucky [+28.5] over LSU), I'm cooling my heels on a 187,739.66 dollar pile of cash. Now, I already hear the haterz whispering in the streets, "Well, if he really was all that, he'd have a lot more than $187,000" as if $187,000 isn't 187,000 times the amount of money player-hating pays.

Could I have gazed into my tea-leaves and put out winners every weekend? You're damn right, I could. My goons and I could have bankrupted Vegas over one weekend if we truly got down to brass tacks. But here's what the hater's don't understand: their thirst will never be quenched. Their greed will lead them, much like a mule following a carrot it's too stupid to realize is on a string, to anonymous death in a grave that is much deeper than any personality they ever developed.

Vegas -- if harvested right -- provides a man ample chance to cobble together a more than satisfactory life for little to no work at all. Besides, if we bankrupted Vegas, who would we turn to when we (literally) blow our winnings? Contentment with normalcy, is a rare skill these days, it would seem.

So here we are. After finally getting through a bunch of exhibitions nobody will ever care about (which makes them easy to fix, for you go-getters out there), we're finally on the steps of the games that mean a little more than an exhibition but nowhere as much as the title game. DJ was kind enough to reward the tip of my loaded AK-47 with his entire column this week. I am unleashing all my picks, including the last $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay of the year. 

There will be wins. There will be losses. But in the end, if you follow your shepherd through the storm, you will be stronger (and more prosperous) when we reach the other side. Now, let Daddy Warbux show you where the cash is at...

Last: -$10,000 [ LSU (13.5)Oklahoma State (-3.5), Wisconsin (-9.5)]



CITRUS BOWL: Florida State (-2.5) vs. Notre Dame - Thursday 5:30 EST - ESPN
You know how I would spice this game up if I were still President of the United States? By sacrificing the loser and their fanbase to the collegiate football gods. C'mon, you're telling me you wouldn't watch that? While I wouldn't have even watched this game in 1994, I may check this game's fourth quarter out during my post-coital Newport. I suspect Florida State will be winning when I do.

ALAMO BOWL: Washington (+9.5) vs. #12 Baylor - Thursday 8:00 EST - ESPN
Hmmmm. ESPN sure seems to have a lot of contracts with bowls people will watch on weekdays because there's nothing else on. No wonder they're all for this expansion -- it means more money for them. Anyway, I know this Robert Griffin III is the cock of the walk at the moment, but I have a stern gambling policy: "Wager against any Heisman Trophy Winner Not Named Tim Tebow After They Receive Their Trophy." Just thank me later.

FIGHT HUNGER BOWL: Illinois (-3.5) vs. UCLA - Saturday 3:30 EST - ESPN

I don't even think if they handed out free cocaine with a ticket (and really, what better way to fight hunger?) people would go watch this game. I'm sure these two teams will taking a season's worth of aggression out of each other will lead to some fracas. A 6'5" 240 lbs. man may get shoved. People will then tweet things like, "LOOK AT THIS OUTRAGEOUS FIGHT HUNGER BOWL BRAWL" with a link to their website while self-righteous sportswriters will tsk-tsk from the sidelines. If this were to be a game decided by naked women wrestling in pools filled with noodles and Hennessy, I'd have no choice but to roll with the vixens of Westwood. Unfortunately for humanity, this game will be decided with undisciplined and blatantly amateur football plays, and nobody does that better than Illinois. FOR THE ZOOKER, ILLINOIS.

LIBERTY BOWL: Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt (-2) - Saturday 3:30 EST - ABC
Fuck Cincinnati.

TICKETCITY BOWL: #20 Houston (-7) vs. #24 Penn State - Monday 12:00 EST - ESPNU
HOUSTON HAS THE BEST STRIP CLUBS IN AMERICA. There's really nothing else to compute in this equation. 

OUTBACK BOWL: #12 Michigan State vs. #18 Georgia (-3.5) - Monday 1:00 EST - ABC
I'm sure in 50 years, these kids will look back after reminiscing on their lost conference title games and say, "But at least we won the Outback Bowl!" Sadly for them, they will be the only ones who remember this game. The Big Ten was wretched this year. This will start their long, painful beating at the hands of superior foes. 

CITRUS BOWL: #21 Nebraska vs. #10 South Carolina (-2) - Monday 1:00 EST - ESPN
Taylor Martinez against a pretty good defense and I'm only giving up 2 points? I'll roll with my chances because I'm a Son of Fortune.

ROSE BOWL: #9 Wisconsin vs. #6 Oregon (-5) - Monday 5:00 EST - ABC
Russell Wilson is a thoroughbred who has won me a lot of cash, make no mistake, but Braxton Miller almost got charged with assault after what he did Wisconsin's defense. Yes, a few years ago, ironman Jim Tressel broke Oregon over his own knee in what was an absolute textbook Tresselization. Bret Bielema, however, is no Jim Tressel. Speaking of the Bielema, I wondered the other day -- when I saw the Pac-12 and B1G had brokered a "cultural agreement" -- if he soiled himself when he realized his team wouldn't be able to feast on an out-of-conference schedule made of sugar-pops and candy canes anymore? But then I realized that agreement doesn't take hold until 2017, and Bret Bielema will have been fired for sending inappropriate cell phone pictures to a female trainer long before then. LaMichael James may go for 500 total yards. Ducks will embarrass Wisconsin.

FIESTA BOWL: #4 Stanford vs. #3 Oklahoma State (-3.5) - Monday 8:30 EST - ESPN
Vegas wants you to see "Andrew Luck AND Points" and have your eyes light up like a prepubescent boy staring upon a woman's chest-testicles for the first time. IT. IS. A. TRAP. Andrew Luck can't play defense. Brandon Weeden -- who is old enough to have sired Andrew Luck in some parts of history -- will outshine the heralded prospect. Justin Blackmon goes for over 100 yards and two touchdowns and gets drafted by the Cleveland Browns with the #4 pick of the 2012 NFL draft. (Hey haterz, I'M JUST SAYIN.)

WArren g. harding's $10,000 presidential power parlay

RT @J_Chastain: Would you put better odds on the world's saddest chimp or the world's strongest rat. This is an illegal tournament, btwAND SO THE SOUTH SEALED ITS DEATH WARRANT.

Good golly, there are a lot of terrible games between the Fiesta Bowl and the national title game. In my day, bowls were simply named after fruit and played for smoke-filled parlor bragging rights. Who wants to watch something like Clemson and West Virginia? WHY? WHY WOULD ANYBODY WATCH THAT GAME? To each folk his own stroke, I suppose. Still, I do not want to watch most of these games, let alone gamble on them.

So let us cut to the chase. I went on a late-season slide and for that I apologize. There are valleys and mountains in everything in life, and I am proud to report we now may be standing near the peak. Investment in this week's $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay will yield the investor a profit of $66,891.91 untaxed United States dollars. The winning ticket goes as such:

GATOR BOWL: Ohio State (+2.5) vs. Florida - Monday 1:00 EST - ESPN2
I bet the ESPN executives got a real chuckle out of when they relegated Ohio State to the Deuce. ("Ho, ho, ho! Buckeyes fans! And it's even better than the channel you'll play on next year!" one of them probably joked as they finalized the schedule.) Ohio State -- my adopted alma mater since mine burned down in a fire at the turn of the 20th century -- has lost every time I've wagered on them this year. EVERY TIME. Do you know what this means? It means Ohio State is DUE. I know there's some psychologist with some "theory" out there about how teams are never "due", but that guy is probably also disagrees on the fact cocaine is vital to a man's constitution. I think Ohio State dumps Florida before opening a new glorious chapter in its history. I also look forward to some uneducated southerner (redundant, I know) misspelling their anti-Urban Meyer sign.

SUGAR BOWL: #13 Michigan (-2.5) vs. #17 Virginia Tech - Tuesday 8:30 EST - ESPN

Good thing Michigan has sucked the last few years. Their fans were all the willing marks to gobble up their first chance at BCS tickets since the Bush Administration. I feel dirty picking a team which couldn't cover against a 6-5 (at the time) Ohio State team at home in their team's biggest game of the year, but yet, here we are. Although, I see it as a win/win. If Michigan wins, then our coffers could thicken. If Michigan loses, then I can degrade Michigan trolls in Ohio. Michigan in a rout.

TITLE GAME: #1 LSU (PK) vs. #2 Alabama - Monday Jan. 9th - 7:30 EST - ESPN
LOL if you don't think LSU is about to take Alabama out behind the outhouse and beat them within an inch of their life. El oh el.

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