This Guy Gets It

By Johnny Ginter on July 30, 2011 at 6:17a
48 Comments
Voted "Lumpiest," class of '77

Brady Hoke was born about 10 minutes away from where I was, meaning that not only was he raised on the traditional southwestern Ohio diet of Skyline Chili, root beer, and pork products, he also developed a finely tuned squinty, angry kind of look endemic to the region. It's the kind of look that says "I will never be able to comprehend what you're trying to tell me, and that's 100% your fault. Also you're wrong."

He claims to have grown up a Michigan fan while living in Kettering, Ohio, which I believe for several reasons. One, that would make him a pretty big douchebag. Two, it makes him incredibly easy to dislike (more on this later). And three, being a Michigan fan from an early age while also being a native Ohioan forces you to carry a very special kind of mark of Cain; doomed to wander forever in the barren wasteland of contrarianism. Naked. Shivering. Alone.

What I'm saying is, Brady Hoke is, from a cultural standpoint, the perfect guy to coach the Michigan Wolverines football team. He is a pompous toad who squats upon the lilypad of elitism. Everything he has said after opening that gaping maw he calls a mouth has infuriated me to the point of violence, and I am starting to believe that nothing short of Ann Arbor being terrorized by Woody Hayes' rotting corpse would get him to stop talking about how awesome Michigan football is. More than any Michigan coach I can remember, I want to see his jowls shake with shame and sadness after yet another loss to Ohio State. His very existence has made me into a worse person, more vengeful and petty than ever before.

God bless you, Brady Hoke.

First: the "Ohio" thing. It's stupid. Incredibly, amazingly, brilliantly stupid. It's so stupid that it starts out stupid, gets even dumber, and finally circles back around to complete non-sequitur. And therein lies the genius.

See, the thing about rivalries, and I think Brady Hoke knows this, is that from the outside looking in they make zero sense whatsoever. To me, there is no difference at all between an Alabama fan and an Auburn fan. The fact that fans of those two schools can somehow differentiate themselves when they are both are stuck in what I imagine to be the exact same kind of Deliverance-esque hellscape is beyond me. But somehow, they figure out whose jorts are more faded and whose mullets are thicker and draw up battle lines based on whatever arbitrary ridiculousness they can come up with.

So when Brady Hoke insists on saying "Ohio" instead of "Ohio State," it doesn't even matter that it's the wicked kind of ice burn you used to dish out in the 2nd grade. It's part of a long legacy of inane BS that people latch onto and repeat until eventually the other side bursts a blood vessel in their eye. He has found his own "that state up north." You may not care now, but I want you to try something. Imagine Hoke, after the OSU game, sweat pouring down his poached egg face as he grins and recounts his team's victory over "Ohio." Now google "DIY drywall repair" for a quick and easy way to fix the damage your fist just did.

Another thing that I think Hoke understands is that, as the fabled Michigan Man, it's his duty to be completely oblivious to history or reality. If he wants to be the guy OSU fans actively plot the death of and UM fans sacrifice the children of Ed Martin to, he has to say completely insane things like "I don't think we're rebuilding. Period." and that he doesn't think that the OSU/UM rivalry has taken a hit from Michigan being generally terrible for the past three years or so.

Of course Michigan is rebuilding, and of course the rivalry has suffered as the Michigan football team was slowly replaced by the surviving cast of Cocoon. But a good coach ignores that, and a great blowhard denies it outright.

What Hoke has done is this: even if he doesn't actually believe it, by refusing to compromise the idea that Michigan is completely amazing and awesome forever and ever, he has endeared himself to every UM fan who suffers the kind of delusions of grandeur that allows them to convince themselves the '97 team would've beaten Nebraska that year. College football fans have long memories, and UM fans maybe even more so. Hoke telling them that Michigan is as good as it ever was is hilarious at face value, but it also helps wash away the stink of the last three years and reminds UM fans that their team was at one point pretty good (just like The Cardigans).

Finally, all of Hoke's talk and bluster has turned myself and many of my fellow OSU fans into sad little people who prepare pathetic and immature jokes to offset any potential success that his team might have on the field, a sacred rite of passage not practiced in OSU fandom for far too long now. And for that, Brady Hoke should be congratulated. He hasn't even coached one game, and already he has made huge contributions to the Ohio State/Michigan rivalry.

Huge like the belt he has to wear to keep his parachute-sized pants in place around his planetoid sized waist. Because he's fat. Fat fat fatty fat fat.

So thanks, coach. Thanks for bringing the hate back.

48 Comments

Comments

Bucknut-in-the-South's picture

Nice work, Johnny!  It is, I'm sure, a comfort to all those citizens of Mittenland that their savior, with the proper amount of tethering, could be the next big thing in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. 

painterlad's picture

I must admit that Hoke has pushed my buttons, which is far more than their football team has done for the last ten years. However, what has really stoked my fires of hatred for all things urine and blue is how their fan base has decided that the reason they have been whipped for the last decade is because Tressel/OSU has been a bunch of dirty cheaters. The MUST win this season is Meatchicken for no other reason than to let them know that new coach/same result is their fate for some time to come.

To err is human. Really sucking requires having yellow stripes on your helmet.

AltaBuck's picture

Someone needs to give Coach Hokeburger a "Wafer Thin"

I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon. - Crash Davis

Lucys Daddy is a Buckeye's picture

"Piss off."

...And when we win the game, We'll buy a keg of booze....And we'll drink to old Ohio til we wobble in our shoes...

Jdadams01's picture

Personally, the "Ohio" thing doesn't bother me at all. Even thinking of him saying it right after a scUM win. It's just an acknowledgement that Woody Hayes' "TSUN" got to them. I give a "meh" every time he does it because when we win by three touchdowns the "Ohio" thing will make him seem small time to the whole nation.

BuckeyeSaab's picture

A scUM fan at work started mimicking the Ohio thing the other week.  He went on and on for most of the day, with me ignoring the jab, and then in the afternoon I popped over to his desk and it went a little something like this...

ME:  You know, now that I think about it, it makes a lot of sense, and I think it's a good move for the wolvies"

HIM: "huh? What move?"

ME: "Switching your rivalry from the Buckeyes to the Bobcats, I mean, if you think about the quality of play and talent on that team over the last 5-6 years, a MAC school is more in line with their abilities."

HIM: "What??! <He now goes into a leangthy explination of the Ohio thing, a result of him not being able to detect either satire or scarcasm - he is a scUM fan after all>

ME: "So saying Ohio instead of Ohio State is supposed to make me upset?"

HIM: "Yes."

ME: "Oh.  Well, good luck with that."

I then walk away leaving him to fume.  Thank you coach Hoke!

I'm sorry for not being sorry.

Johnny Ginter's picture

"calmer than you are, Dude"

BuckPirate1981's picture

When Hoke first got hired, all I could do was giggle at how they had lost out on their first pick to go to the prom and had settled on the fat girl instead.  Only now it seems the fat girl is putting out.  M!ch!g@n fan score!!  This is so much better than going with your sister!  One has to wonder, though, how long it will take for their fans to come to the realization that, well, they just took the fat girl to prom.  And all they got out of it was maaaaybe first base & her telling you that you look great in that white tux. If their season doesn't get off to a fast start, they lose to their rival(s) again, and maybe even follow that up with another season of being, well mediocre (Little Ceasers bowl! Hail!).  

I couldn't agree with you more though, great point in that this guy really does reinvigorate the rivalry in a way that Dick Rod never did.  Honestly, while I would have probably tortured my cat for a few hours afterwards, a loss to a Dick Rod lead time would not have really gotten me going like a loss to this guy would (just the thought, ahhhh, where's that f'n cat?!).  The only thing that really kept me in check just now merely having read this was, after reading this article, and again looking at that picture and those chins, I can rest peacefully at night knowing that his obstructive sleep apnea and eventual heart failure will give us the last laugh in the end. Especially if he has continued that diet of Skyline Chili, root beer, and pork products which I hope you have weaned out of your every day diet, Mr. Ginter.  That and the fact that Coach Luke probably wears a retainer at night just so he doesn't grind down his teeth dreaming about his bitter unbridled hatred and rage towards the mere colors "maize" and "blue," even when not used in combination (yes, he hates them that much).  Oh how I love rivalries.  

Welcome, Mr. Hoke.  Just know that, aside from getting turned down by the hot girl, and maybe other reasons M!ch!g@n is keeping you around, you better keep putting out if you want to stay around.  Side note I just wanted to apologize to any ladies who read this post and were offended - I assure you just as many heavier set fellas were taken to prom for similar reasons, that being um your personality of course.  And, hey, some of us didn't even get to go to prom... sigh.  

Lucys Daddy is a Buckeye's picture

I went to the prom.  Of course, my mom drove me and my date wound up going to the after party with my biggest enemy...but, still I had a good time sitting alone at the table.

 

Bitter????  Never.

...And when we win the game, We'll buy a keg of booze....And we'll drink to old Ohio til we wobble in our shoes...

741's picture

I thought this was going to be an article about type 2 diabetes.

GoBucks713's picture

I think I read online today that Brady Hoke is taking over for Wilford Brimley as the face of "Diabeetus"

-The Aristocrats!

BuckPirate1981's picture

No way, look at that guy's neck and pannus.  If he snores, I'm gonna go ahead and call it - he needs a CPAP about as bad as Joe Pa needed to cave in and go with adult pull ups.   

GoBucks713's picture

Michigan Man, more like Michelin Man.

 

Someone needs to shop that and make it into an 11W shirt. I ask that I get one for coming up with the idea.

-The Aristocrats!

theDuke's picture

Hoke doesn't make people do this: 

 

In 5 weeks it's gonna be on like one old NES game.

Just a shout to the 11W gang, Great coverage for the Media Days! "I can hear Brady Hoke's collar screaming" almost killed me.  

Happy Weekend to Buckeye Nation.  

theDuke

P-Rickles's picture

I see this cat's car parked at the Wendy's by my house all the time. It's batshit insanity I can get behind. He had "In Fickell We Trust" on that window from day one of his tenure...

Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay $100.

Bucks's picture

I just don't have any sort of skurred when it comes to Hokey Pokey. His Ohio stuff & his general way of approaching the rivalry just seems so much rerun, like a copy and paste or clipping different articles out of a paper for a collage. I don't think I've seen one moment yet from him that is his own. Suddenly a guy who won't say Ohio State & does embrace the rivalry is groundbreaking? Psht.

I can only go based off his records to date, which are not impressive in the slightest.

- Took him 6 years to be in position to win the conference @ Ball State. 5 of those seasons had six SIX losses or more. 2/6 Winning seasons.

- Posted a 13/12 record in two years @ SDSU with a losing conference record(7-9). Won the Poinsettia Bowl over Navy.

- 6 of his eight years as HC had a minimum of 3 conference losses. That won't cut it for the people up north, and surely won't cut it for winning the conference title.

I'm sure there will be a boost and this team will be improved. To be honest though, their next stop if things continued like they were was the Indiana level, so pretty much anything will be better.

The only thing that rings true to me with Hoke is him being a middle of the pack coach, with a very good season once and a while. Not skurred in the slightest.

Bucks's picture

^I just saw all the 6's in there which also means Hokey Pokey worships the devil :P

bucknut24's picture

Nice article Johnny and I have to agree Hoke runs his mouth a lot but and never shuts up.  He has already gotten under my skin and I'm sure his wife can't stand him either.  At least that's what she said last niight :)  I hope Fickell beats him to a pulp in November.

Matt's picture

Good stuff Johnny, you're a natural

Menexenus's picture

I agree.  This article made me laugh out loud a few times.  Keep up the good work, Johnny!

Real fans stay for Carmen.

BrewstersMillions's picture

I actually like what he's doing up there. This may sound odd but I did not enjoy the throttlings we gave Michigan the last few years nearly as much as I enjoyed beating them when both teams had something to lose. It was nice to smash Rich Rod for three straight years but there was no better feeling than watching UM get a consolation prize after an otherwise good season. When OSU is the reason UM has to 'settle' for the Rose Bowl, more gets added to the rivalry than anything either coach or fan base can say about the other. I really hope Michigan gets good again. It has been an insult to the rivalry the last few years and if they improve and OSU beats them when Michigan has one of those little numbers next to their name it will make the victory that much sweeter. Moreso, my favorite part about OSU winning is the feeling UM fans (the biggest douchers in sports) have to endure for another 365. When they know their team is going to lose, there is a bit of satisfaction that gets taken away.

With that said, if Hoke gets UM to be national contenders again, and OSU STILL whacks them by 35 points, that will work too. I guess I just want the Bucks to beat a decent Wolverine team again.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

BrewstersMillions's picture

Brady Choke-HA! First one to say it. I looked.

 

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

bucknut24's picture

He'll get it turned around becasue Rich Rod put it in the cellar so he can only go up.  Plus how can they not get better when Hoke keeps getting Ohio talent.  That's what is a bit irritating becasue all I hear is how great of a recruiter he is but if you listen to him talk he is just a boring as most coaches.  If OSU didn't have their issues, we would be saying Brady who?

buckeyedude's picture

cHoke knows exactly what the Michelin faithful want to hear. They, for the most part, are a bunch arrogant, loud-mouthed, pompous assholes. I live near too damn many of them, and even when they suck, they aren't smart enough to keep their liver lips closed. Even when they are losing to Toledo and Appalachian State they still have that cocky attitude. Punks.

 

 

 

Nappy's picture

Newsome transferring to Hoke's old gig, Ball State

http://collegefootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/07/30/buckeyes-lb-says-hes...

 

Fan of bacon since 1981

AeroBuckeye2001's picture

I have to agree that the most annoying thing about M*chigan this off season hasn't necessarily been Hoke, but their false sense of validation regarding the last 10 years of success we've had against them. To be able to chalk up their impotence against us to our "cheating" makes me angry...very angry. To think that a fan base that credits themselves as being educated and a cut above everyone else in the conference allows themselves to believe that is completely ludicrous and reeks of desperation. And to see how disappointed the MGoBloggers were upon reading our NCAA summary just left me with the realization that these bitches deserve to suffer much longer.

Coach Hoke doesn't bother me, it's their system of cult-like false idol worship and disregard for reality that does. Gazing upon sad faces in Ann Arbor this year will give me respite until they start the same shit again next year.

Go Bucks!

The Ohio State University Class of 2001
BS Aero & Astronautical Engineering

Cross Village's picture

Amen.

Hokie, aka The Mich-elin man, is as bloated in flesh and mind as his Tireguy namesake.  

In late November, he will be on the sidelines at the Bloat House, puffing like a Fugu (which is a poisonous blowfish) only to watch the Meatchickens get led off to slaughter once more.  The Wingless Helmets are 4 seasons from rectifying their obvious shortcomings.  Even Rod the Rich would have a better chance this year.   Hokie will be lucky to win 4 games in The BIG.

buckeyejonross's picture

Who cares? Their desperation to rationalize how we beat their ass is hilarious to me. Whatever helps them sleep at night--they still lost. Those tattoos sure made our boys play much better than their extra practice hours, maybe they should have tried our method.

"You might as well appeal against a thunderstorm as against these terrible hardships of war. War is cruelty, there is no use trying to reform it; the crueler it is, the sooner it will be over." -William T., Battle of Atlanta, B1G.

NW Buckeye's picture

All the hoopla about his approach is just that - hoopla.  The bottom line will be: Can he coach and and win?  True, his past record is nothing to write home about, but that doesn't necessarily mean he won't have good success at UM.  Afterall, everyone was scratching their heads when Chizik was hired at Auburn.  My point here is that sometimes moving a seemingly average coach to a prestigious program yields great results.  Time will tell with Hoke.  So far he seems to be doing the right things in recruiting.  And, he is smart enough to have surrounded himself with what appears to be a good coaching staff.  This is something that RichRod did not do - he thought he could do it all by himself.  But, the proof is in the pudding.  And don't be too hasty to judge his coaching acumen on his first couple of years, be they good or bad. 

With all that said, I find his "Ohio" thing rather amusing.  Does it upset me?  No, not at all.  They say that imitation is the ultimate form of flattery.  So what does that say about Hoke?  It must be that he really is a closet "Ohio State" fan as he is really taking a page from Woody on this.  However, Woody's use of TSUN could never be construed as a reference to another school like Hoke's use of "Ohio" is readily associated with the Bobcats.  Also, having been part of the 10 year war I recall UM relishing TSUN victories over Ohio State and even referring to themselves as TSUN in those instances.  As such, I really don't think "TSUN" insulted the UM staff or players the way "Ohio" will amuse/infuriate the Bucks. 

RBuck's picture

"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)

jfunk's picture

Winner.

Scotch: It may be too early to drink it, yes; but people it is never to early to think about it.

BuckJI's picture

Every time Hoke calls us "Ohio" a too-into-it Bobcat fan dies just a little bit inside, and that makes me happy.

slgreen84's picture

"To me, there is no difference at all between an Alabama fan and an Auburn fan. The fact that fans of those two schools can somehow differentiate themselves when they are both are stuck in what I imagine to be the exact same kind of Deliverance-esque hellscape is beyond me. But somehow, they figure out whose jorts are more faded and whose mullets are thicker and draw up battle lines based on whatever arbitrary ridiculousness they can come up with."  A BIG +1  HAHAHAHAH

Johnny Ginter's picture

i actually kind of feel bad about that one, i was trying to imply that OSU and UM fans do the same thing since AA and c-bus are literally only 30 miles further apart than auburn and tuscaloosa

ih8rolltyde's picture

I live in Alabama, don't feel bad about anything you say about the state, or its inhabitants. Bandwagon fans with low athletic intelligence are the norm. They take everything that esecpn says as the absolute gospel. They watch nothing but their game, yet speak about the football played elsewhere as if they have never missed a down. I could go on and on....

****igan smells like old water that hot dogs were boiled in.  FACT

poguemahone's picture

I put "Ohio" on the exact same level of high stupidity as "scUM" and "O$U". If Hoke wants to talk up his rivalry with Frank Solich's Bobcats, let him do it.

NoVA Buckeye's picture

I wonder who that mascot'll beat up next? Seeing as how UM doesn't have a mascot, it could be anyone. Hoke is the closest looking to one, so who knows.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

Nerkbuckeye's picture

Yea--it was kinda hard to hate Rich Rod--so pathetic and a poser trying to fit in-you could only feel sorry for his sorry ass--I let my WVU friends and co-workers hate RR--and boy was it a hate with some passion!!!

Now Brady--that pompous, porky, pea brain, paltroon, perek, pig face, pierdolec, pin head, plow boy, pudge, punk ass, puttana, putz, can kiss my scarlet and gray painted ass cheeks!!

Oh so many insults--so little time.

buckeyedude's picture

LOL Nerk! Why don't you tell us how you really feel?

I think Brady's obvious disrespect is going to be remembered by the OHio State Buckeye football players come this November. That's all that matters.

 

 

billjones's picture

Methinks it is best to reserve judgment on this one.  Clearly he gets it more than Rich Rod (well, that is what the Detroit Free Press would have you believe).  It would be cavalier (and ignorant) to say that we're going to kick their asses forever.  The fact that U of M now has a Coach that isn't reviled by at least 1/2 of the Michigan fans and isn't being actively undermined by their hometown press has to be some kind of improvement.  Brady Hoke is a crafty one.  It remains to be seen whether he can translate that into Ws.  I am exhilarated by the challenge, and I hope that everyone else (especially prospective recruits) is as well.  Their disregard for the facts and circumstances behind Tress's dominance over them reminds me that they are arrogant A-Holes.  I am grateful that our boys will have the opportunity to remind them of this on the field annually.

NoVA Buckeye's picture

But they can win games. I mean, they are Michigan.

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

AeroBuckeye2001's picture

If I wasn't so lazy, I think it'd be fun to go back 3 years and compare the Hoke love fest to the RichRod hiring. If I recall, I think those fans up north were pretty excited about that cat and an upcoming prognosticated 8 win season and future riches.

The Ohio State University Class of 2001
BS Aero & Astronautical Engineering

Cassius's picture

I have not commented on 11W for awhile now.  And those of you who are *really* regulars know my handle.  From the first day that Hoke was hired as Michigan's head coach I was ecstatic.  I figured, at that point, that Tressel would be good for 2 or 3 more wins over Mi****** before Hoke righted the ship and made this rivalry competitive.

Now that both schools are faced with new coaching hires I am, at the very least, curious, to see how this rivalry will pan out.  "Ohio" may continue its recent dominance or the Wolverines may strike back.

I believe this Game, this year, will have a major impact on this rivalry.  If Fickell is able to man a team that *only* loses to those b'stards up north, his job will be in doubt, to say the least.  The fact of the matter is, he only has a one year contract at this point, and his performance will be judged on this ONE season.  If he he even comes close to winning a conference championship AND beats you-know-who, he might have a career ahead of him at Ohio State.

 

If he loses 3, 4, (God help me) 5 games this year, not only will he not be the head coach next year, we will lose him forever as an assistant.  (Assuming of course that the next coach *Urban Meyer(?)* does not want him.

 

In a perfect world, Fickell leads this team to an undefeated season and completely demorilizes the 'Rines (to the tune of 85-0), hires Urban Meyer as an offensive coordinater in the off-season and leads our Buckeyes to a national title in his second year the same way "Uncle Tressel" did.

yrro's picture

I hate it, but I love it. Honestly, with all the turmoil this year... it's been *years* since I have wanted to beat the wolverines this badly.

Denny's picture

Pretty sure Dave Brandon hired Brady Hoke just because he singlehandedly kept Domino's in business in the mid-90's [via riding the pizza fatwaves]

Taquitos.

buck i's picture

The Audacity of Hoke.

Totally's picture

Jumping Johnny,

Loved this piece and your most aesthetic rendering and command of the keys. Nice writing, brah.

Let me confess I be in that blue enemy camp.

But I agree that Hoke generated more than one fat "What?" with some of his comments. fueling the hate and rivalry . . . 

Seems like someone else might be already using this, but here be some ammo for you buck boys: 

Hoke can easily be cross-imaged with Oliver Hardy, with Hoke's little curly bangs on the front of his big mug. 

I like Hoke okay. He seems relatively sincere. He might be a great coach/recruiter, but his style, well, not sure it meshes with climate change, species extinction, genocide, and other fun times ahead.

Probably won't be coming on here too much, but wanted to drop some kudos on thee for your language mechanics.