Friday Skull Session

By Jake on February 11, 2011 at 6:20a
In Soviet Russia, Basketball shoots you!

Dobroye utro, comrades! It is another glorious morning and I, for one, cannot wait for the Scarlet People's Buckeyes to destroy the capitalist Badgers and their imperialist coach, Bo Ryan. Comrades Sullinger, Buford, Lighty, and Diebler will have their hands full dealing with the Wisconsin pig-dogs and their slowed down attack. I'm sure Commisar Matta has a plan to deal with this menace. Hopefully it involves duct tape, a car battery, and a sexy double agent. 

With the weekend fast upon us and the Game of the Decade of the Month of the Day tomorrow, I can't help but be optimistic. This team has some amazing chemistry, and if they have a weakness, it's at the line. I'll take bad free throw shooting as my weakness every single time. If the Buckeyes do win, they won't be in the clear by any stretch, but Wisconsin is certainly the biggest step on the ladder. I'm not one to believe in fate, so I'll just say it would be awesome if Ohio State was the first team in over 30 years to go undefeated. I should mention that I also don't believe in jinxes. 

The Greatest Offense Ever Made. A College Football Legend passed away yesterday, taking with him the mind that created one of the most prolific and influential offenses in the game. Emory Ballard was part of a long tradition of coaches who played at a better university then they coached, starting his playing years at Texas and ending his coaching years at Texas A&M. During his time at A&M, Ballard invented the Wishbone offense. His offense went on to take over college football in the 70s and came to define college football in the Southwestern Conference. While no modern team runs the Wishbone, the Flexbone-spread at Georgia Tech and the service academies carry on the legacy of the triple option and prove that it's just as capable of confusing the hell out of cameramen today as it was when Mr. Ballard was stalking the sidelines of Texas A&M. Best wishes to all of his friends and family from Buckeye nation.

Recruiting is so hot right now. Expired equine cudgel engaged. came out with a list of each state's DI recruit output yesterday. Definitely interesting to look at, but 80% of players sign locally and the SEC, Sun Belt, and Big XII are certainly not shy about recruiting way more kids then they can take and cutting the ones who don't pan out. It's difficult to say, just from the recruits hauled in, whether this shows what Rivals thinks it shows. Sure, Alabama has a high ratio of kids sign by a DI school every year, but is that because they have more talent or because the schools in the area all sign 5-10 more kids than everyone else in the country every year then cut the kids who don't make the grade?

Where there's smoke, there's Cecil Newton and a burning bus of orphans. Whether or not Cam Newton was actually eligible during the 2010 season, Auburn sure spent a lot of money making sure the NCAA said he was. Regardless of the results of last season, the investigation is still ongoing and it's possible that Newton and Auburn could lose the heisman and crystal trophy. I'm sure Auburn can use some of the Benjamins from their $17,000,000 BCS payout to dry their tears.

May the Forcier be with you, Miami. Tate Forcier, in an unsurprising move, has opted to transfer to Miami. While never the most gifted quarterback, he was one of the most talented players in football at the art of coaxing backhanded compliments from announcers. He's likely depending on Miami's long tradition of employing limp-armed Quarterbacks that are low on talent, but high on "moxie." Although he'll have to sit out for the Miami-Ohio State rematch, a sacrifice I'm sure he's more than willing to make, no doubt he'll give Jacory Harris and company plenty of pointers on which fake injuries garner the most sympathy.

Obiter dictum. Mr. Bill, I understand that you're excited, but this is just not the way things are done in Utah. While a certain level of acceptance of one's body is perfectly healthy, at some point the delicate sensibilities of the public at large must come first. Wild Bill, for the sake of the children and elderly among us, I must insist that it would be best if you took off your pants as well. 


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chaoscrusader's picture


I will do with out my rhetoric about being a Marine serving the 1980's and the political mumbo-jumbo. But, communistists lost the cold war... Not the best motivational comparison going into a big game... I would rather Coach Matta be Hannibal at the Battle of Cannae... a smaller force kicking the crap out of a numerically larger force or Patton gutting the underbelly of German forces in France...

Jake's picture

They beat the crap out of Germany though. Besides, Hannibal lost that war. If I knew more latin and could light heartedly parody Roman affectations, I could've done Arminius at the Teutenberg Forest.

chaoscrusader's picture

I was trying to quickly google something where a numerically smaller force kicked the crap out of numerically larger force, hence the Battle of Cannae.  But I do believe Hannibal used what is now called a double envelopment, to defeat the Romans. Think of it this way, Dallas and Jared pounding on the Wisconsin middle, Lighty and Thomas dispensing with the Roman Cavalry, leaving Diebler, Craft, and Buford hacking at the Wisconsin defense from the wings.

KenK's picture

Didn't turn out well for the Light Brigade

Johnny Hooker: "He's not as tough as he thinks". Henry Gondorff: "Neither are we".

spencer096's picture

or, for the marine in the house, john basilone or mitchell paige at guadalcanal?

Proud Ohesian since 1984.

Jason Priestas's picture

Smedley Butler thinks those dudes are soft.

Is it Saturday Yet's picture

For this Teufel Hunden I'll take the Battle of Belleau Wood.

The_Lurker's picture

I'll take the Battle of Evermore FTW! 

Wooohoo! \m/ Zeppelin! \m/

The_Lurker's picture

If anyone is communist in this scenario it's Wisconsin. I mean, look at the brand of basketball they play. What could be more communist than that?

Run_Fido_Run's picture

I agree. And the Wiscommies will probably get 1972 Olympics "officiating" in their home building, the Kohleski Center. Only, this time, unless the refs give the commies like 19 inbounds plays in a row, the good guys will prevail. 

slippy's picture

Don't overlook a good free throw shooting team.


My dad just the other day was telling me about his HS team.  They were in the gym before school and every played shot at least 100 FTs.  Then had to do them at the end of practice when they're tired shooting hundreds more.  Every played on the team was about 85% or higher.  FTs + full court press = state championships.


It's one thing for a team like Michigan who barely draws any fouls to not be good...but for as often as our guys get to the line, FTs can make or break us.

Is it Saturday Yet's picture

It was always preached at practice -- free throws + defense = wins

KenK's picture

Good point. As much as we run our offense through the post and drive to the hoop, we do need to make free throws.

Johnny Hooker: "He's not as tough as he thinks". Henry Gondorff: "Neither are we".

OHIOST1087's picture

Hopefully with 5 straight days off they each will have found some time to work on them Free Throws.

Carolina Buckeye's picture

Yeah..gotta say, I don't like the buckeyes being likened to commies...back to the drawing board

Carolina Buckeye's picture

and poor FT shooting can be an achilies heal that can certainly trip a good team in the B1G tourny or the ncaa tourny

Maestro's picture

Wild Bill is the reason I am half way through P90X.

vacuuming sucks

KenK's picture

Good take-off, Jake. Pretty amusing.

Johnny Hooker: "He's not as tough as he thinks". Henry Gondorff: "Neither are we".

Hoody Wayes's picture

This is "Eleven Warriors!" Not "Eleven Intellectuals."

Please, Jake...stop.

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
Dwight D. Eisenhower

chaoscrusader's picture

Ironically, Dwight D. Eisenhower was astute politician while being a general and I have never known a politician to be brief. That quote is a case of takes one to know one.

gwalther's picture


Class of 2008

Denny's picture

There is no exclammy mark in the name of the website.

Please, Hoodwink Wayes... stop.

"This quote will one day be used to back up a moronic argument." - Abraham Lincoln


Bobcat04's picture

The propaganda poster is pretty awesome, though.  Do Tressel, Matta, Gee, and Gene Smith make up the politburo?