Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney was forced to face the consequences of his own actions when his Tigers squad faced off against Ohio State in last month's Sugar Bowl.
The coach, who's well known for habitually attempting to embed his foot into the deepest trenches of his esophagus, remained on brand ahead of his sixth consecutive appearance in the College Football Playoff.
Swinney made headlines when it was revealed he ranked the undefeated Buckeyes No. 11 behind the likes of eventual-four-loss Florida, two-loss Georgia who narrowly beat Cincinnati in the Peach Bowl, two-loss Oklahoma, three-loss Iowa State and an undefeated Coastal Carolina team that lost to // checks notes // Liberty in the postseason.
His logic was flawed at best, but after a totally serious and legitimate investigation into Swinney's rankings, it seems there was quite a bit of nobility to his logic.
According to Swinney, he didn't put Ohio State in his personal top 10 at year-end because he didn't believe any team who failed to play double-digit games was qualified to be among college football's elite. That sentiment might seem like sanctimonious garbage juice on the surface, but this 100 percent legitimate investigation proves that Swinney truly believed that no team was deserving of a top-10 ranking until they played double-digit games.
We've obtained each of Swinney's first 10 rankings submitted to USA Today, and this is your warning to buckle up for a wild ride.
Dabo's Preseason Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | Using the book Art of the Deception to subtly steal opponents' signs |
| No. 9 | Leaving an inspirational quote instead of a tip at restaurants |
| No. 8 | A bowl of Lucky Charms that has a good marshmallow/oat ratio |
| No. 7 | Pretending my turn-signal is broken so I don't have to use it |
| No. 6 | Sharing the memes my uncle posts on Facebook |
| No. 5 | My personal 'Duck Dynasty' fan-fiction where I'm a character on the show |
| No. 4 | 'Football Matters' gear |
| No. 3 | Refusing to wear a mask in Piggly Wiggly |
| No. 2 | Just the general strength of the ACC conference |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
After a 14-1 2019 campaign that fell just short in the national title-game against LSU, Clemson was awarded the top spot in the actual 2020 preseason poll.
Swinney established his moral high-ground, however, leaving every single college football team outside of his personal Top 10.
With that said, we'll only be highlighting the top 11 spots of his week-to-week rankings. Swinney's preseason ranking offered an exciting glimpse into what was to come.
Dabo's Week 1 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | Calling people instead of texting them because I'm genuine |
| No. 9 | Fresh-squeezed tomato juice in lieu of a flu shot |
| No. 8 | Telling new parents that owning a boat is way harder than parenting |
| No. 7 | Asking friends if they have any gum even though I have gum in my pocket |
| No. 6 | Calling my friends' pets "Butch" or "Chester" even though their names are decidedly not Butch or Chester |
| No. 5 | Steaks I get to send back because they aren't medium well enough |
| No. 4 | Holding the door open for someone who is too far away, so they have to awkwardly shuffle into the building like idiots |
| No. 3 | Hiding the remote at a party so I can suggest playing the Simon & Garfunkel Live DVD I brought with me |
| No. 2 | The Axe Body Spray my wife cuts in half with water because I'm not a sinful man |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
There wasn't a single team ranked in the USA Today Coaches Poll that suited up in Week 1, but there was an impressive display put on by BYU, which routed Navy 55-3 on the road.
Even though it was the most impressive performance of the opening weekend, the Cougars didn't usurp Clemson as Swinney's top-rated actual college football team. That distinction still belonged to Clemson, even though it hadn't qualified for the ranking because it had yet to play a game.
That was set to change shortly with the Tigers traveling to face off against Wake Forest in Week 2.
Dabo's Week 2 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | Putting my dirty dishes in the sink only to have them magically reappear, clean and dry, in the shelf they're supposed to be in |
| No. 9 | Lemonade (not Beyonce's) |
| No. 8 | Complaining about a non-existent smell at any hotel to get an upgrade |
| No. 7 | Parking at an angle to take up two spaces even though I showed up to Target an hour before it opens |
| No. 6 | The "prayer" emoji on my phone |
| No. 5 | Creed's 'Weathered' Album |
| No. 4 | Creed's 'Full Circle' Album |
| No. 3 | Creed's 'Human Clay' Album |
| No. 2 | Creed's 'My Own Prison' Album |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
Clemson's 2020 season debut was a strange combination of domination and meh.
The Tigers defeated Wake Forest 37-13, and while Lawrence threw for 351 yards and Clemson piled up 561 yards of total offense, they beat the Demon Deacons who would go on to finish 4-5 by a meager 24 points.
Oklahoma and Texas beat their respective Week 2 opponents by an average of 52 points, but they still couldn't overcome Clemson or any of Creed's albums on Swinney's Coaches Poll.
Dabo's Week 3 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | A fresh bowl of salsa I can dive into while avoiding the chunky parts, only to get the juice (so long as I have my travel bottle of TUMS) |
| No. 9 | Scoffing at anyone with a low-budget beer preference even though my favorite beer is Rolling Rock |
| No. 8 | Egg yellows |
| No. 7 | Dabbing |
| No. 6 | Trying to connect telemarketers who call me with my wife, who works for a company that definitely is not a pyramid scheme |
| No. 5 | Jim Carrey's role as "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective" |
| No. 4 | Playing dodgeball with an unsuspecting child at the park to teach them a good time is earned, not given |
| No. 3 | Driving five MPH under the speed limit in the fast lane because only the devil is in a hurry to do anything |
| No. 2 | Judging any human being wearing a baseball cap backward |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
A Clemson season can't really be a Clemson season without a laughable rout over an FCS opponent. It's a much-needed oasis from the week-to-week rigors of competing in the ACC.
That rout came for Clemson in Week 3 when it hosted something called "The Citadel" for its only non-conference matchup of the year.
A third of Lawrence's nine passes were touchdowns as he finished the day with 168 passing yards. The Tigers went on to win 49-0 in a game that was over the moment these two administrations signed the contract for the matchup.
Dabo's Week 4 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | Somehow successfully uploading a PDF for my boss |
| No. 9 | Discount day at Bed Bath & Beyond |
| No. 8 | The fact that McDonald's no longer offers salads of any kind |
| No. 7 | Asking the Starbucks barista to make my drink "extra delicious" only to hear their appreciative laugh |
| No. 6 | Free trials on the Internet that allow me to get an incredible amount of value before I cancel |
| No. 5 | Trucknuts |
| No. 4 | Telling recruits "my eyes are up here," when they look at their phone for even a single second |
| No. 3 | Not flushing in a public restroom to give the next user an opportunity to witness excellence |
| No. 2 | Standing on a ladder during the national anthem |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
The grueling showdown the week prior exhausted Swinney's squad, so a perfectly timed bye week gave Clemson the opportunity to rest for the stretch run.
It was a good weekend to be on the sideline, apparently. No. 3 Oklahoma and No. 6. LSU went down while No. 2 Alabama and No. 8 Auburn looked sluggish in wins over unranked teams.
The Big Ten was still weeks away from kicking its season off and Clemson was still in control of its position ahead of a key matchup against Virginia.
Dabo's Week 5 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | French onion soup that's been strained of any onions, cheese or starch |
| No. 9 | My computer password, which is 867-5309 |
| No. 8 | Pizza rolls cooked in the oven, NOT the microwave like some lazy vagrant |
| No. 7 | Making guests at my home rank their favorite hymns before I give them my wifi password |
| No. 6 | Nuggets shaped like dinosaurs... actually any food shaped like dinosaurs |
| No. 5 | Only the cusses that are mentioned in the Bible |
| No. 4 | Avril Lavigne — our generation's most underrated song-poet |
| No. 3 | "Accidentally" spoiling the fact that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense |
| No. 2 | 10-year, 93-million dollar contracts |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
All eyes were on the SEC in Week 5 with a top 10 showdown between Georgia and Auburn while Alabama faced its first stiff test in hosting Texas A&M.
The Bulldogs and Tide predictably rolled, overshadowing Clemson's 41-23 victory over Virginia.
Lawrence threw for 329 yards and three scores and an honest Tigers defense that's full of integrity was able to hold the Cavaliers to just over 400 yards of total offense.
But Swinney still considered his football team the best in the country, just behind what can essentially be described as enhanced beef broth.
Dabo's Week 6 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | The Keto Diet, but allowing myself a "cheat bread" with every meal |
| No. 9 | Relationships that start with the parents' blessing, then evolve through courting, light dating, medium dating, regular dating, then engagement |
| No. 8 | Silently judging families who eat generic-brand cereal |
| No. 7 | A friendly game of poker that doesn't involve gambling as a way to mock the devil, but charging a cover at the door because MONEYYY |
| No. 6 | Not returning the shopping cart to the designated area because creating job security for whoever does that is important work |
| No. 5 | The commercials/advertisements that play in the middle of Facebook videos — so informative |
| No. 4 | I mean, this is gonna sound bad, but cults |
| No. 3 | Untangling head-phone wires — rise up Lord Swinney! |
| No. 2 | Players who don't get "concussions" |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
Clemson was set to host what was potentially the ACC game of the year as Swinney's top-ranked Tigers hosted No. 7 Miami, which was decidedly back for the 30th time since losing to Ohio State in the title game 18 years ago.
The Tigers made quick work of the Hurricanes, though, and finally looked like the team Swinney was projecting them to be in his poll.
Lawrence and Co. did whatever they wanted on offense, amassing 550 total yards. Miami managed just 310 itself in the decisive 42-17 decision.
Dabo's Week 7 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | Telling people with a gluten-allergy that their lack of faith is one of the things that drain my energy the most |
| No. 9 | The board game "Monopoly," but literally only if I get the "Scottie Dog" piece |
| No. 8 | Using the express line at the grocery store with a full cart because the Lord's favor is real |
| No. 7 | Sending emails to every university staffer that states they'll receive great luck if they forward this message to 10 new people |
| No. 6 | Asking people how much they spent on their house because knowledge is power |
| No. 5 | Reading my kids' diaries without them knowing |
| No. 4 | When radio stations censor bad words/evil out of my life |
| No. 3 | Drinking a dose of Nyquil and chasing it with two Red Bulls because my life coach said that's how he started seeing angels |
| No. 2 | My new voicemail message where I answer, "Hello? Hello, I can't hear you..." and then after a long pause, I start reciting my slam poetry |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
For the second consecutive week, Clemson put its money where Swinney's mouth was by twisting Georgia Tech into a mall pretzel. The final tally was 73-7, but it could've been much worse if the Tigers hadn't called off the... err, cats after leading 52-7 at halftime.
Elsewhere, No. 2 Alabama had no problem dispatching No. 3 Georgia and fifth-ranked North Carolina (???) suffered a hilarious upset to Florida State (???).
But the best result of the weekend was without question No. 4 Notre Dame's 12-7 victory over one-win Louisville.
Dabo's Week 8 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | Buying dogs from a breeder instead of adopting them |
| No. 9 | Writing checks for every possible transaction I can to keep my accountant busy — I fear he gets bored |
| No. 8 | Making eye contact with someone on the toilet through the little slit in the stall door, then giving them the finger-guns |
| No. 7 | My Pinterest account that showcases the price of college textbooks |
| No. 6 | Gaslighting |
| No. 5 | Kidz Bop |
| No. 4 | Conspiracy theories. Like literally any of them. |
| No. 3 | Convincing parents of young children to rebuke Harry Potter and any form of witchcraft |
| No. 2 | Sitting at the table next to the weekly "open interviews" at Wendy's and audibly sighing in disgust (at random) to the candidates' responses |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
This was the week the Big Ten mercifully joined the race, and Ohio State's offense looked like the lightning bolt it was in a 52-17 win over Nebraska.
Clemson was taking on its own demons when it faced off against a Syracuse team that had been weirdly competitive with the Tigers on the field in recent years.
That wasn't the case this year as Clemson was never really threatened in a 47-21 victory. It appeared as though Swinney's team had found its stride, and the speed bumps from the early stretch of the season were a distant sight in the rear-view mirror.
// Narrators voice: There were more speedbumps ahead //
Dabo's Week 9 Poll
| Rank | Team/Concept |
|---|---|
| No. 11 | Clemson |
| No. 10 | Taking newborns to the movie theater in order to challenge the patience of my fellow movie-goers. |
| No. 9 | Saying, "Easy breezy, lemon squeezy" when presented with a challenge |
| No. 8 | Swerving at cars that are clearly occupied by a student driver and their instructor |
| No. 7 | Freely giving out workout advice at the gym while carrying a gallon of water, but not actually working out |
| No. 6 | Celine Dion |
| No. 5 | Dumping the remaining coffee after I pour myself a glass to give one of my coworkers an opportunity to go the extra mile |
| No. 4 | Attaching Trevor Lawrence's name to the Heisman Trophy somehow |
| No. 3 | Bubble-tape gum |
| No. 2 | The Kumbaya remix by Billy Ray Cyrus that I use as my ringtone |
| No. 1 | Not paying college athletes a fair wage for their labor |
The biggest hurdle of Clemson's season came in Week 9 when Lawrence tested positive for COVID-19 ahead of a two-game stretch against a suddenly competent Boston College team and a road battle against Notre Dame.
The Golden Eagles had Swinney's Tigers on the ropes for much of the contest, but backup quarterback and large human being D.J. Uiagalelei fueled the Tigers with 342 passing yards and two touchdowns in a 38-24 win.
Up north, Justin Fields remained hot and threw for 318 yards and four touchdowns against Penn State. The Buckeyes were just eight games away from Swinney acknowledging their existence.
The following week, Notre Dame went on to upset Clemson.
