How in the hell is it only June 21st?
As writers for this here college football depot, coming up with original and interesting topics in the offseason, particularly with the reality we're collectively pumping out double-digit items worth of fresh content daily can be a bit of a grind.
With that in mind, we probably relish the start of fall camp even more than the average fan. And even though we still have what, 72 days until kickoff, the show must go on.
Struck with writers block or maybe just looking for a reprieve from combing through stats compiled during the Urban Meyer era in an effort to churn out a numbers-driven topic, I'm pivoting from my norm and bringing you a hodge-podge post encompassing all the ultimate offseason topics you can handle, packaged in my Five Things format in a nod to the desperation I feel waiting for September 1st.
OFF-THE-WALL COMPARISONS
I worry this one might be a bit esoteric but you 11W old timers will remember when Michael Citro roamed these streets.
Michael is a clever guy and a Buckeye historian of sorts. One of his more memorable articles came in the form of an offseason flyer in which he compared Raekwon McMillan to a bear.
Yes, an actual bear.
We had some fun with Michael for that one and its legend lives on in our Slack.
In a 100% affectionate nod to Mr. Citro, I'd just like to say that Bin Victor reminds me of an Italian Cypress (Cupressus sempervirens).
Victor is tall and he's slender but can still use what girth he has to shield the view of defensive backs just like an Italian Cypress can keep your neighbors from watching you smoke weed skinny dip in the hot tub grill out on your back patio.
OSU TIGHT ENDS 'BOUT TO BLOW THE EFF UP
As sure as death and taxes, you can bet all the best Buckeye football sites will regale you with offseason tales of possibly legendary tight end production coming your way this fall. It never happens but that's not really a big deal since you, me, Urban and the ghost of John Frank all know that already and it doesn't stop us from feeling maybe, just maybe, THIS is the year.
Or maybe I should dial that statement back a little bit and say if nothing else, you'll read roughly five times as many articles about the tight ends in the few months spanning the offseason than the months encapsulating the actual season.
Again, that's not a knock, that's a good thing. You need your fuel in these summer football-less months and why not think positively about production from one of the least-sexy positions on the field.
Since we're talking tight ends, let me again reiterate I'm going with Rashod Berry as the guy to make the most impact even as Meyer and staff slow play him while heaping hyperbole on Luke Farrell and Jeremy Ruckert.
It's a good bet I'll be wrong but I try not to fall for too much of Meyer's sweet nothings about true freshmen in particular.
Speaking of which..
ALL OSU TRUE FRESHMEN ARE DESTINED FOR THE HOF
Another rite of offsesaon passage is taking a stab at which true freshmen will come in and set the world on fire.
Don't get it twisted, a handful of true freshmen have come in and absolutely played vital roles for team's since Meyer arrived in Columbus as our very own Kevin Harrish discussed late last month.
That said, there are dozens of others who not only don't contribute in year one (which is nothing to be ashamed of) but go on to redshirt at a program where the head coach likes to talk a lot about how the program doesn't redshirt guys. Some flame out spectacularly in Columbus and multiple other stops, a la Torrance Gibson.
But that doesn't stop writers and readers alike from thinking way too many true freshmen will come in Year One and set the Shoe on fire.
So, who ya got from this year's bumper crop of blue chips? Maybe you have Ruckert at the tight end spot which certainly seems to be the sexy pick at the moment though I'd like to remind you one more time that his position only becomes more obscure in Ohio State's offense as the days trudge toward September.
My money is on Josh Proctor. Why? Because the rest of the guys opposite Jordan Fuller at safety haven't exactly put a stranglehold on the spot and since I don't follow the #teens too heavily before they get to Columbus, I like to rely on the Brothers Andrew to help shape my incoming frosh takes and they are two of many that are bullish on Proctor.
POP CULTURE TIME!
The offseason is the perfect time to blend sports and pop culture in an effort to show how cool we are. The good news for some people, like D.J., is that they are indeed super cool and on the cutting edge of things like rad TV shows.
Yours truly, however, the suburban-dwelling white guy in his mid-40s rocking a 2010 Honda Accord (which rulez, btw) who is watching his 19-month old daughter gradually take over the 75-inch TV he bought before she was born knowing he'd be stuck in his house for the next 18 years, is decidedly uncool.
That said, I do still squeeze in some TV time and while I could probably very, very slightly impress you with the shows I've logged, my real life-hack is having the patience to not watch shows like The Wire, Breaking Bad and The Americans, to name a few, until the series' have come to a close thus allowing me to power-watch them from start-to-finish and miss out on those year-long lags all you cool people force yourselves to endure.
As I grow older, I'm all about giving the true TV classics some love so here are five iconic shows for you to consider the next time you're flipping through the channels at 3:00 a.m.
- Cheaters - It's pretty much a ritual for me, the working man who wakes up at 5:45 a.m. seven days a week without the aid of an alarm whether I like it or not, to crank out a good two straight hours of Cheaters with my dog Waffles laying on top of my head as I wait for the rest of the family to wake up on the weekend. I love how the narrator/host dude wears a black leather bomber whether it be July somewhere in Texas or December in New York City as he helps some raggedy scalawag seek the obvious truth about his scandalous girlfriend.
- CHiPs - If you ain't down with a crime-fighting love-machine sporting a mock turtleneck under his California Highway Patrolman garb in an effort to hide his taco meat then that's on you my friend.
- WKRP in Cincinnati - Bailey Quarters. Nuff said.
- Million Dollar Listing NY and LA - Yeah, this one is questionable but if you're married, finding a show you can both tolerate isn't always that easy and I have no shame is saying Josh Altman is a boss.
- Classic Albums - You can find this one on AXSTV. The vinyl collector in me loves hearing the story behind how some of the most influential albums were made.
BOURBON IS GOOD
Ramzy owns all the worthy commentary on bourbon so I won't pretend to be a scholar here but as someone who just started consistently drinking bourbon last fall, I've built up a decent collection over the last handful of months.
As my recent travels have taken me to Michigan, Kentucky and our nation's capital, to name a few, I've been wise to stock up at those stops knowing Ohio's selection is generally a steaming pile of meh.
Thankfully, Ramzy is always available via Slack for my real-time queries from the aisles of liquor stores. He can speak as an expert but if you're looking for recommendations from a new guy, here what I got for you. All recommendations are served neat.
- I.W. Harper 15-Year - Not sure if you can get it in Ohio but Michigan has it and it's tasty. Smooth drinker if you're looking for a starter. Will set you back about $70.
- Joseph Magnus Triple Cask Finished - Probably my favorite at the moment. I swear I taste a hint of chocolate. This stuff is awesome but fairly pricey at about $80 for a bottle from the state up north.
- Blanton's Single Barrel - It's available in Ohio but you better make an effort because if a store gets some, it's not uncommon for the first person to see it to buy all six bottles on the shelf. Standard awesomeness at about $50-55 via the Buffalo Trace Distillery.
- Rhetoric 24 - Very pricey at roughly $120-130, this corn-heavy mash makes my list despite being a little oaky which normally doesn't do it for me. Another key factor in bourbon selection for amateurs like me – the look of the label and bottle – also passes muster.
- Elmer T. Lee Single Barrel - Another one you won't find in Ohio and a product of the Buffalo Trace Distillery, this stuff is smooth and makes you feel cool.