10 Reasons to Hate Michigan

By Jimmy Longo on November 24, 2017 at 7:25 pm
Jim Harbaugh

The Game. The team. The coach. The state. It is time. Here are 10 reasons to hate Michigan.

10. Ted kaczynski and H.H. Holmes

Hi there, why yes, two of the most infamous serial killers of all time hold degrees from the University of Michigan. The Unabomber graduated from Michigan in 1967, Holmes in 1884.

Say whatever you want boys, Jeffrey Dahmer never graduated from Ohio State and was in Columbus for less than a year. Kaczynski and Holmes are full-blown alums. Of course, the Unabomber can't do much with it as the Florence Supermax Prison doesn't allow for the forwarding of academic progression and the implementation of a society without technology, and Holmes was executed in 1896. 

Go Blue amiright?

9. Jourdan Lewis

Before this week, I couldn't definitively say that Jourdan Lewis would make this list. The dude is irrelevant. But he's worked his back into the list, based on the recent Twitter battle he got into with Cardale Jones, Darron Lee and Curtis Samuel among others.

It all stemmed from some good film work from Big Ten Network before the 2013 rendition of The Game.

Enter Jourdan Lewis

As far as pregame expletive jargon goes, this one was a fairly even match. But Michigan didn't come running out until Ohio State was almost in the locker room. It's like disturbing a hungry dog that's trying to eat. Peaceful when it's eating but interrupt the serenity and it's about to break loose.

Cardale can describe it as perfectly as only Cardale can.

Lewis rounded his L by saying that he didn't know Curtis Samuel, the man who blew by him in the open field for the game-winning touchdown in overtime to get dumped by the Buckeyes. Weird.

Also, here is a reminder that the last play of Jourdan Lewis' college career was a game-winning touchdown for another Michigan loss.

8. Jabrill Peppers

Normally I'd avoid adding Peppers to this list for the sheer fact that he's a rookie in the league and doesn't play for Michigan anymore, but Peppers is the crutch in the defense that keeps on giving. This time it's just in Ohio territory for eight games a year.

If you forgot, last year after Peppers missed some tackles and failed to overall show why he would be a Heisman finalist, the Michigan Man gave a forearm shiver to a harmless student in front of Ohio State secondary coach Kerry Coombs, and it was all on tape.

Flash forward to this year and, of all safety's with recorded stats by Pro Football Focus, Peppers ranks as the #78 safety with a 40.6 overall grade and a "poor" status. 

7. The legend of bo schembechler is a farce

Bo Schembechler is the greatest coach in the history of the University of Michigan football program. He won the 10 Year War 5-4-1 against his mentor Woody Hayes. That's all fine and great. Overall, he's a good coach. He did his thing. But in reality, Bo Schembechler did not deliver when it mattered most, and certainly reaped the benefits of being an understudy of Hayes.

Hate Michigan for Schembechler ever getting mentioned in the same coaching category as Woody. Things that Bo Schembecheler did at Michigan — lead them to 17 bowl games in 20 years, with a 5-12 record in those games. Of those five wins, such an esteemed coach might have won a national championship during that timeframe, no?

No. Bo Schembechler did not win a single national championship. Woody Hayes won five national championships. 

6. Charles Woodson

Remember the old saying "don't hate the player, hate the game?" This is incorrect in this instance. I don't hate when Ohio State plays Michigan. I feed off of it. I feed off of butt-hurt individuals wearing maize and blue cursing at Brady Hoke in the sky. Their tears are my electrolytes. So what does this have to do with Charles Woodson? Ah yes, hate the player.

So Charles Woodson may have statistically gotten the better of David Boston during the 1997 Ohio State—Michigan game, but I tell you what, Charles Woodson absolutely got the sticks from David Boston in hand-to-hand combat. 

5. Mike Hart

Welcome back to 10 Reasons, Michael. Same series just a different version. At the beginning of the year before the Indiana Thursday night opener in Bloomington, Mike Hart was ragged on for his yards per carry average against Ohio State and ducking and dodging the Buckeyes and being 0-4 against the scarlet and gray and what not.

Well all of that still stands, there's just a little more to add. Esteemed running backs coach Mike Hart has done not so well with the Hoosiers this year. Their rushing statistics per game? Well, the Indiana Hoosiers average a whopping 129.2 yards per game. That measure is good enough for 102nd in the country, but yet not behind Iowa (LOL), Nebraska and Illinois somehow.

Granted, they throw the ball more than any other team in the conference, but the statistics should even thus be inflated if opposing defenses are playing the run. Not good, Mike.

4. The 2013 Fight

The actual 2013 fight during the game versus Michigan was some really soft (SAWFT) stuff from the Wolverines. A true freshman taking back a kick return at the start of the second quarter, a band of maize and blue standing over top of Wilson after he was horse-collared to the ground by Dennis Norfleet. Dennis Norfleet, who had 21 catches for 157 yards and zero total touchdowns in his Michigan career.

As far as the rivalry goes, it's pretty typical kind of stuff that took place, but they weren't getting any street cred for running down and ganging up on an 18-year-old playing in his first Ohio State—Michigan game. 

3. desmond howard

Yes, Desmond Howard's punt return and Heisman pose and Michigan dumping Ohio State 31-3 and all that went into the 1991 Ohio State—Michigan game. That was kickstarter of two times in three years that the Buckeyes lost to the Wolverines by four touchdowns and was further accentuated by the local boy Howard spurning Ohio State on the recruiting trail and in the ballgame.

But Ohio State fans should hate Desmond Howard for more than that. After a bust of an NFL career, Howard has taken to being the new model of the ESPN-Ohio State troll. Constantly doubting the abilities of J.T. Barrett and finding any way to subtly dig at the Buckeyes, Howard is not as outright about the dislike for the Buckeyes on air as someone like noted thumb Mark May, but he did pick Penn State to beat Ohio State and for Wisconsin to win the Big Ten. Desmond Howard also picked Stanford to win the national championship over Alabama in his preseason CFP picks, for good measure.

2. Claimed National Titles

If there is anything more infuriating about college football teams claiming national titles from the dark ages that have no applicable justification, please, send it to my inbox. 

As far as official, justified and chosen national titles, Michigan has five. The university claims 11. Five of those Michigan claims are national titles in 1901, 1902, 1903 and 1904. Those national titles were claimed before the forward pass was even an adopted rule in the game of football. So with that being the case, sure, Michigan had the best players that could run around with helmets on and run into each other. But from the time the forward pass was adopted in the 1910s, Michigan did not win national titles in the same decade for the next 20 years.

Also, the equivalent of claiming a national championship in football during an era that didn't have the forward pass is like getting around the bases in baseball because everybody on the baseball field overthrew each other and calling it a dinger.

1. Jim Harbaugh

The devil that wears khaki pants has long been under the ire of Ohio State football players and fans alike for plenty of years, but the limelight for Harbaugh and the well, the things that Jim Harbaugh does, have certainly happened more often as a coach than as a mediocre quarterback.

How many wins against Ohio State does Jim Harbaugh have? Zero. But he has large, callused Twitter fingers. That is for sure.

Whether it be the the fact that Harbaugh makes more money than Urban does, his unrelenting complaining to reporters and being a baby about the spot, or you know, the fact that journalists had to file under the Freedom of Information Act to get the roster released before the first game, Jim Harbaugh is a conundrum that attracts more attention than he should be paid.

Want to know what isn't a conundrum? Harbaugh's coaching record against Ohio State.

J.T. Barrett throws five touchdowns; Buckeyes by 50.

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