10 Reasons to Hate Illinois

By Jimmy Longo on November 17, 2017 at 7:25 pm
Illinois
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The last time J.T. Barrett plays football in Ohio Stadium is against Illinois. Get that through your head.

10. John Franklin, (Isaac) Children of the Corn

Illinois isn't bringing the the cult of little devil children into Ohio Stadium Saturday afternoon to ruin Senior Day, but they'd probably have a better chance of not getting shutout than the current Illini offense.

The ringleader of the satanic cult in children of the corn — Isaac — is played by John Franklin. Franklin is an alumnus of the university, where he first gained the acting skills that allowed him to prophesize about the outlanders and all that other creepy nonsense he was screaming in Children of the Corn.

9. Bruce Weber

Remember when the Illini had at least one athletic program that gave the school something to be proud of? It was back when Bruce Weber was the coach of the basketball team (that had its perfect season in 2004-05 ended by a Matt Slyvester bank-in three ball). Speaking of Weber, he complained a lot, whined a lot, had some of the worst mannerisms ever, and then left town for the Kansas State head coaching job.

eternal whining

8. Lovie Smith Offered a 10-Year-old a scholarship

If you've taken an NFL team to a Super Bowl, you probably should have the wherewithal to understand that offering a 10-year-old a financial and athletic commitment of over $100,000 is a BALLSY move by all standards. But alas, Lovie Smith offered a 10-year-old that Illinois will inevitably have to deal with when they fire him next year after starting the season 1-6 with their only win coming against the Western Illinois Fighting Leathernecks. Now THAT is a nickname.

7. infomercials

Have you or your loved one ever wanted to watch reruns of your favorite show late at night, but have been exposed to cable television selling out and running infomercials instead?

Have you ever wanted to watch three hours of Friends at one in the morning and gotten to learn all about the advantages of paying 37 monthly installments of $14.97 for some off-brand silly puddy that will clog your shower drain? 

You sir or madam may thank the University of Illinois for such lost leisure. That's right, Ron Popeil, the inventor of the infomercial, rolled into Champaign as a bright and young scholar, got a horrible idea, dropped out and then turned his horrible idea into millions of dollars and even more millions worth of insufferable people.

6. Tim Beckman

Illinois let the worst actual football coach in the history of the Big Ten run their program for three seasons. After only winning four Big Ten games in three years, Beckman was fired a week before his fourth year at Illinois for allegations of mistreating former players.

In case you forgot, here's a recap from one of his former players that alleged mistreatment.

5. the whole urbana-champaign thing

I understand the reasoning behind calling Illinois the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign — the campus is smack dab in the middle apparently two metropolitan areas that are different cities but somehow one in the same. I think? Okay, maybe I don't know —and I hate Illinois for it.

Many alike refer to the area as just one city, and the "territory" itself comprises just 230,000 people according to census data.

I have another idea going forward. After Saturday's game, by the time Ohio State is up 73-0 and all is said and done, let's give the writers something to get an interesting story about because we know the score won't be it.

Just rename Urbana-Champaign straight Urban, IL. Nothing longer nothing shorter and save a whole bunch of money on branding materials, city flags and new apparel with nine fewer letters. It'll be representative of the father of the entire city, their people and their football team!

4. Illinois Shafted Bill Cubit

After Tim Beckman was axed for his mistreatment and before Lovie Smith was hired to offer scholarships to toddler, the team went 5-7 during the 2015 season under the leadership of Bill Cubit.

Following that successful (by Illinois terms) season, Illinois removed the interim tag in late November and gave him a two-year contract for $2.4 million. Then before Cubit ever got to coach a game without the interim tag and be known as the official head coach of Illinois, the university promptly fired him in March the following year for, realistically, no good reason.

Illinois since firing Cubit? 6-18. There is a correlation.

3. The Last team J.T. Barrett Plays at Ohio Stadium is Illinois

Illinois. Illinois? ILLINOIS?!?!?!

You're telling me the last team that J.T. Barrett gets to accurately sling the pigskin on for over 200 yards and multiple first-half touchdowns on is Illinois? 

Hate the Fighting Illini in advance for providing a shadow scout team defense and allowing J.T. Barrett to be out of the last time he plays in Ohio Stadium by halftime.

Shoot, by the time the team is done with the Illini defense the quarterback competition for next fall will have started, Tate Martell will have burned his redshirt because Joe Burrow and Dwayne Haskins are icing their shoulders from heaving so many bombs and Martell will have won the competition based on sheer arm durability.

2. Illibuck

The all-time record between Ohio State and Illinois stands at 67-304 in favor of the Buckeyes (obviously.) The two teams share a rivalry in which the winner receives and displays a turtle known as the "Illibuck" until the next year's game.

Or, if you're Ohio State, it's a teething toy for Urban Meyer's grandson Troy, the footstool at the feet of Larry Johnson or a glorified paperweight. 

Hate Illinois for any kind of added storyline that's added to the week's game in spite of how awful Illinois is on an annual basis because of the Illibuck. They've only won the thing twice this millennium. We might as well call it a Civil ConFLiCT at this point.

1. Isaiah "Juice" Williams

On a cold fall night on November 10, 2007, Isaiah "Juice" Williams brought the un-ranked Fighting Illini into Ohio Stadium for a game against the No. 1 ranked Buckeyes. If you'd like a personal story that fits as to why you should deeply hate Illinois, I'm about to give you one.

Not 48 hours prior to the game, I had undergone a tympanoplasty in my right ear, essentially a major ear surgery to fix a hole in my eardrum. My old man cheered me up with tickets to the game, and we sat in the very back of D Deck up in the southwest corner of the stands in some obstructed view seats, to the point once the ball got past the 40 on the north side of the field, you couldn't see a thing.

So here I am sitting in legitimate nosebleed seats overlooking the Olentangy with the Schottenstein Center being closer to our seats than the actual field. My head is wrapped up with heavy gauze and I essentially looked like a 12-year-old who'd gotten in a High St. bare knuckle brawl and took a cheap shot to the back of the head.

The worst part? I didn't see Juice Williams deliver those two bombs  ducks into the north end zone that game. I heard them. With a surgically repaired eardrum and approx. 15 stitches in my head. And it hurt.

Buckeyes by 100.

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