Defensively, it is time to think outside of the box. We need to search far and wide for the best of the best — even if that means searching the entire USA Network and beyond. For quite some time, I have been vetting every possible candidate, some of whom the “naysayers” will think that we cannot plausibly get. I say, forget all that, money talks, pay these guys in gold bars or medallions if you have to — whatever they want — the results of getting one of these guys will Marvel us. Up beer prices a buck. Have the guts to increase ticket prices for once. Trademark “the.” Whatever it takes.
After careful analysis that has included watching every bit of tape available on these guys — I have come up with a list of the nine absolute best characters to be Ohio State’s next defensive coordinator.
9) Mark Dantonio
Positives: National Championship pedigree. Great defensive mind. Ohio State roots. Hates, hates, hates Michigan. Magnificent scowl. Available.
Negatives: Lack of experience dealing with underachieving four and five-star talent.
8) Chris Ash
Positives: National Championship pedigree (again!). Great defensive mind. Teams played best in big games. Worked for Urban. Will soon be available (works for Urban).
Negatives: May have judgment issues, illustrating by taking Rutgers job and later accepting Jacksonville Jaguars assistant coaching position. May, however, be a positive if his defense plays with similar desperation.
7) Captain Hector Barbosa
Positives: Proven leader. Fearless. Man of action, not parley. Continually defeated the blue bloods with a less than five star crew composed of little more than skin and bones. If one word describes him, it’s “savvy.” Took over command of Black Pearl midseason and, despite more holes in sails and hull than in C-deck attendance, led it to unprecedented winning streak, culminating in winning the Cortez Trophy. Will not tolerate lack of discipline.
Negatives: Unclear overlap between Pirate Code and Ohio State Code of Conduct — may need “guidelines.” As a condition of employment, likely to demand that his trained monkey take Brutus’ place as team mascot. At one time had outstanding warrants in five continents. May lack football experience. Currently deceased.
6) Any high school coach in America
Positives: Significant schematic advantage over present defensive system. Probably available given that Bucks can outbid any current employer and Ohio State D.C. position doesn’t require covering study halls and teaching social studies.
Negatives: Coaches on Friday nights and thereby is free on Saturdays, increasing the likelihood that he’s watched the present Ohio State defense this year — and wants no part of it.
5) Adrian Monk
Positives: Solves even the most-vexing mysteries. Fully understands and appreciates the current defense’s aversion to contact and tackling. Will never, ever commit sideline infraction penalty. Will immediately decipher other team’s offensive signals. Good friends with Bob Costas and has football background, as shown in Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs.
Negatives: May make Jim Tressel look like a slob. Will immediately take a hiatus from coaching if and when an unsolved murder occurs within a five-states radius.
4) Thanos:
Positives: Has proven himself in arenas of battle across the known Universe. Highly adaptable. Knows how to use overwhelming talent and technological advantages to achieve victory. With infinity gauntlet, controls all time, space, and matter, and can bend creation to his will.
Negatives: May no longer possess Infinity Gauntlet. Will demand ability to hire his own defensive staff. Appears to believe that problems can be remedied with a snap of his fingers. May not react well to criticism.
3) Chubbs Peterson
Positives: Long history of coaching up young talent; defense will play quicker and more intuitively from its “happy place.” Twice beat up Rocky Balboa.
Negative: As with most Ohio State fans, intense fear of Gators. Currently deceased.
2) Brent Venables
Just checking to see if you are still reading — nobody likes or wants him.
1) ️️️️️Ed Warriner:️️️️️
Positives: Only coach in history with the guile, the will, and the moxie to develop and implement a strategy that could and did hold in check an Ohio State offense composed of Cardale Jones, J.T. Barrett, Zeke Elliott, and Micheal Thomas. For an entire season! Almost singlehandedly stopped the most-talented offense in recent memory from repeating as National Champion. And did so with less than six months lead-time. Somewhat mystifyingly, appears very available.
Negatives: None. This is the dream hire. He achieved the formerly unimaginable.
