What's up, guys? This is the last off-season edition of the Fake News Roundup. We made it, we survived the off-season!
JOE BAUSERMAN TO BUCKEYES: “JUST SAYING, I’M AVAILABLE.”
In the wake of the unfortunate injury to presumptive Ohio State backup quarterback Joe Burrow, many have assumed that redshirt freshman Dwayne Haskins would take over the backup role. However not everyone has accepted Haskins as the de facto next man up. Former Ohio State quarterback and current civilian-at-large Joe Bauserman has offered his services to his alma mater.
“Just saying, I’m available,” he said to a source close to the Ohio State football program. “Think of it as swapping one Joe for another. Granted, Burrow might be taller than me, better looking, and a hell of a lot more talented, but I know more about collecting pogs and shotgunning cheap beers than he’ll ever know.”
So far there has been no response from the Ohio State coaching staff.
MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS UNVEIL 2017 ALTERNATES
While the Michigan State Spartans’ 2016 season was less than spectacular, finishing at 3-9, it only stands to reason with the level of talent and coaching acumen available to the Spartans that they have nowhere to go but up in 2017. Head coach Mark Dantonio (we are told his name is the Chinese transliteration of the name Mike D’Antoni) is certainly upbeat, and predicted earlier this week that his team was “sure to play just well enough to save [his] job.” As part of their resurgence, the MSU Spartans can look to their new alternate uniforms to be worn during their rivalry match with the Michigan Wolverines on October 7th (pictured above).
While some features of these new Nike-supplied uniforms might run afoul of NCAA regulations (such as the ion-fusion power cells powering the built-in energy shield), it’s hard not to admire these bold, modern replacements for the hand-knit sweaters and leather helmets we all remember the Spartans wearing last season.
ESPN—“NO EVIDENCE” THAT URBAN MEYER ISN’T BATMAN
ESPN released a cryptic statement today, suggesting that there was no evidence that Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer wasn’t Batman. As the statement continued, it compiled a number of reasons to believe that Urban Meyer might be the caped crusader.
They included:
-No one has ever seen Urban Meyer and Batman in the same place at the same time.
-Both are Caucasian males between the ages of 20 and 60
-Urban Meyer is known to be a master escape artist and expert martial artist, as well as one of the three greatest detectives in the world
-Urban Meyer always keeps his “lucky kryptonite wedding ring” on his person
-Urban Meyer while inebriated has several times admitted to being Batman
-Much like Urban Meyer, Batman also boasts a 5-0 record against Michigan
So far Urban Meyer has not commented.
