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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 7/27

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July 27, 2017 at 5:09pm
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What's up, guys? This will be the last roundup for a little while as I'll be away for the next two weeks in Europe. Anyway, hope you enjoy it.

MICHIGAN ANNOUNCES NEW ASSISTANT COACH HIRE

Earlier this week rumors surfaced on ESPN and Sports Illustrated among other sources that the University of Michigan football team was bringing new blood into their coaching ranks ahead of the 2017 season. Those rumors have turned out true as early on the morning of the 27th head coach Jim Harbaugh held a press conference alongside his new assistant-to-the-special-teams-coordinator Smeagol Phillips. Smeagol Phillips has no prior coaching experience whatsoever (nor does he have a social security number or a pair of real pants), but Coach Harbaugh seems quite pleased with his new acquisition.

“He’s just the right amount of crazy,” Harbaugh said as Smeagol Phillips proceeded to bite the head off a live fish and then noisily slurp the fish’s innards through the hole in its throat. “And sure, people are going to mock him for not wearing pants, but they joke about my khakis all the time and that never stops me.”

It is believed that Harbaugh may have come across Phillips during his time in the Misty Mountains of Michigan, perhaps after his Orcish army’s defeat at the hands of Tate Martell.

BOBBY PETRINO NAMED NEW NCAA “ETHICS CZAR”

Today the NCAA confirmed that Louisville football headcoach Bobby Petrino would assume the newly created mantle of “Ethics Czar,” tasked with enforcing various NCAA bylaws and acting as watchdog for any violations athletics programs might attempt. The pick is a strange one, but the shadowy council of disembodied spirits, murderous leprechauns, and brain-eating aliens from the Andromeda Galaxy who comprise the NCAA’s leadership seem to have taken a shining to Petrino’s brash style and “trustworthy face.”

Petrino celebrated the appointment by uncorking a magnum bottle of champagne while riding a motorcycle across a stage while a woman who we can only assume was there on “professional business” rode along with him and attempted to feed him cold Papa Johns’ pizza.

Petrino has already promised NCAA sanctions against any team that manage to beat the Louisville Cardinals on the gridiron.

MARK MAY WILL FIGHT ANY BUCKEYE FAN “PROVIDED THEY’RE SMALLER”

Football analyst and noted Ohio State critic Mark May issued a challenge today to any and all Ohio State fans to take up their grievances with him through fisticuffs, albeit with some caveats.

“I’ll fight anyone who steps to me,” Mark May said. “Any Ohio State fan who wants to shut me up can try, any of them, bar none, provided of course they’re smaller and weaker than me and have never had any significant training in hand-to-hand combat.”

He then added that Ohio State players were welcome to bring firearms as well, only they had to adhere to 17th century dueling etiquette and allow him, as the challenged party, the privilege of the first shot.

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