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Ohio State Fake News Roundup 7/20

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July 20, 2017 at 3:24pm
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BARRETT TO BATTLE SUPA HOT FIRE

Having managed to swim his way out of the vast cornfield that is Iowa, Ohio State senior quarterback JT Barrett was only back in Columbus for mere hours before he received a text message from an unknown number that merely said “Supa Hot says its on.” This according to Ohio State quarterbacks coach Ryan Day, the last person to see Barrett.

“I told him not to drop his mixtape,” Coach Day told reporters, referring to Barrett's mixtape Fifth Year Starter. “I told him, as soon as that shit drops, there’s a target on your back. He didn’t listen. Now the mixtape has been nominated for a Grammy and Supa Hot Fire wants to battle him.”

For the few people in the world who are hopelessly ignorant, Supa Hot Fire is the most powerful rapper alive or dead, capable of defeating opponents in rap battles without even spitting a single bar. Although a video did emerge several years ago that appeared to show Supa Hot Fire losing a rap battle to Souljia Boy, its authenticity has been questioned, and in any case, how could Souljia Boy defeat Supa Hot in a rap battle if—by Supa Hot’s own admission—Supa Hot is not actually a rapper?

Where or when the duel will take place has yet to be established, but Barrett’s family have already been notified by the Ohio State coaching staff that he may not survive the withering heat of Supa Hot Fire’s flow.

When asked about his quarterback’s chances, noted hip hop expert and enthusiast Urban Meyer shook his head and said, “He was a dead man the moment he picked up the gauntlet.”

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT PUTS EMPTY MILK BOTTLE BACK IN FRIDGE

According to a TMZ reporter who has been living in the crawl space of Ezekiel Elliott’s Dallas home for the past three weeks surviving on insulation and “cockroach honey,” Dallas Cowboys and former Ohio State runningback Ezekiel Elliott has committed the unforgivable sin of placing an empty milk bottle back into his fridge and leaving it there for over a week.

While the Dallas police have (angrily) dismissed requests by concerned citizens to investigate Elliott’s fridge conduct, the NFL has announced it is beginning an investigation that may last up to 17 months, to be headed by Chief Inspector Roger Goodell.

MICAH PARSONS COMMITS TO HOGWARTS

5-star defensive end Micah Parsons has shocked the college football world by spurning offers from programs such as Ohio State, Clemson, Penn State, and Alabama to pursue instead his athletic and academic career at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he will join their quidditch team playing as a beater.

Suspicion that he was in fact always a wizard began when eyewitnesses reported seeing Parsons levitating on a broom in April during the Penn State spring game (a day before his decommitment from the Nittany Lions), however at the time Penn State headcoach James Franklin dismissed it as “a phase all millennials seem to go through.”

When announcing his commitment over Twitter, Parsons tweeted: “[I'd] Like to see a bludger get past me.”

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