OHIO STATE OFFERS JT BARRETT OF 2014
While enjoying what some football pundits might call an "embarrassment of riches" in their quarterback room heading into the 2017 season, Ohio State has nonetheless offered another quarterback a spot on their team: circa 2014 JT Barrett.
"Now obviously he's from a different time, a simpler time of the ice bucket challenge, the peak popularity of Emma Stone, and True Detective season 1, and he may not even exist anymore," admitted head coach Urban Meyer. "But we hold out hope that he'll hear us, somewhere, wherever he is, and come to us now in our time of need."
When asked for comment on this new development, 2017 JT Barrett merely assessed our reporters with a withering glare as he rolled up the tinted windows of his car.
URBAN MEYER CELEBRATES NEWEST COACHING HIRE
In an impromptu news conference, a clearly inebriated Urban Meyer, flanked by his equally intoxicated coordinators Greg Schiano and Kevin Wilson, announced that as of today, the Ohio State football team will have a new assistant coach: one Bill Brasky (who could not be pictured as he is too large a human to fit any photograph). Slurring their words and sloshing large quantities of Wild Turkey whiskey around, the coaches proceeded to detail some of Bill Brasky's greatest feats, none of which had anything to do with coaching football. Among the achievements they lauded was Bill Brasky replacing his hands with hammers and using his hammer hands to excavate a new coal mine, vomiting out a live baby during a friend's wedding, and sleeping for six hours in a burning hospital (he was the cause of the fire). No details are forthcoming regarding what exact position Bill Brasky will occupy with the Buckeyes.
CARDALE JONES'S FUTURE WITH BILLS IN JEOPARDY
According to sources close to the Buffalo Bills, Bills (and former Ohio State) quarterback Cardale Jones has had his fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap for six days now. Embarrassed and enraged by his predicament, Jones has shut himself inside of his home and is refusing (or perhaps unable due to his present handicap) to speak with media or with the Bills coaching staff. Unverified reports suggest that in his struggles to extricate himself from the finger trap, Jones has smashed through several walls and shattered a glass table in his living room.
Head coach Sean McDermott had some rather blunt words for his quarterback's difficulties: "Are you fucking kidding me? Is this real life right now? What is he, ten years old?"
When asked for comment, Cardale Jones's father/older brother/younger cousin/confessor/relationship guru/parole officer Tyvis Powell admitted that he was behind Jones's entrapment, having tricked Jones into inserting his fingers into the trap. When pressed by reporters why he would endanger his friend's NFL career, Powell shrugged and said: "Because it's funny."
