http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2014/9/2/6097983/hatin-ass-spurrier-reviews-week-one

"I thought we paid a pretty good tribute to Brad Scott's South Carolina teams on Thursday night."

"They call it a 3-4 defense in Columbia cause you miss three, maybe four tackles a play, and it adds up to seven in the end."

"You see that Ole Miss defense? I didn't know Hugh Freeze belonged to a horse-slaughterin' congregation. Pentecostals really are something."

"Only team that handled Temple worse than Vanderbilt was the moneychangers."

"Can't say I'm surprised Penn State won that Dublin game. They're used to playin for a crowd that doesn't understand modern football."

"Dana Holgorsen, getting that kind of penetration in Atlanta is actually why a lot of people go there on weekends."

"Virginia's state motto is "sic semper tyrannis." Guess that means the UCLA offense was just being democratic."

"Tough start there for Wake, but they call it the Clawfense because you keep putting dollars in the machine and never win anything."

"I'd say it's gonna be a long season for Northwestern, but that implies they'll be playing in a bowl."

"Lane Kiffin's wearing 2XL jackets and winning games in the Georgia Dome. Like lookin' at an alternate universe where everything works out for Tennessee."

"June Jones' embalmer did a heckuva job."

"Credit to Baylor, though. Last time I saw that many Baptists running that fast in a group it was towards a Golden Corral."

"Notre Dame sure looked to be passing pretty easily, didn't they? Though I guess that's what caused the problem in the first place."

"Maybe Clemson can start a rivalry game with Kentucky."

"Hope Athens has a good tack store. Todd Gurley's ass'll get sore riding Clemson out of town without a saddle."

"USC ran 105 plays against Fresno State. I read that on their website, though, so grain of salt and all that."

"The triple-option is basically a multiple choice test. Surprised that Ohio State football players had a problem with it."

"Maybe the problem ain't the driver, Washington."

"Villanova Syracuse? Witsec must be runnin' outta names."

"USF almost lost to Western Carolina in football. You're only supposed to do that in whittling and hydroponics."

"Not surprised FSU had trouble running. That's the sort of behavior that raises suspicion at Publix."

"Don't worry, Iowa State, Kansas lost to North Dakota State, too. Your penis is probably the biggest in a group of third-graders, too."

"Will Muschamp lost to electricity, which should be expected. It's a 18th century concept. Little new for him, I'd think."

"I got him as a four TD underdog to the telegraph. Television's off the boards completely."

"Heard Bret Bielema's accusing Auburn of stealing signs. Always thought he had a catcher's build."

"Arkansas coaches weren't stuck in the elevator at halftime at Auburn. It was just moving slowly. You know, for safety."

"A 17 point deficit means nothing to Les Miles. That's how bad Ohio high schools were in the 70s."

"You look at this Wisconsin team and you wonder what the hell happened to NC State."

"Les just does everything backwards. When he fights with his wife he throws all his stuff into the windows from the yard."

"Anybody know if we can get that Tennessee victory into a zoo? The Endangered Species Act ain't a joke, y'all."

"Well, it ain't called Southern Hit."