Horrifying New Mite Found Lurking on Ohio State's Campus

February 21, 2014 at 12:35p    by DJ Byrnes    
25 Comments

I did not wake up expecting to hit the entomology beat, but such are the daily twists involved in my job. 

I only post this terrifying tidbit of a new species of mite being discovered in the soil of a vacant OSU parking lot because these terrible new creatures COULD BE LURKING AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW. Take it away, PhD student Samuel Bolton:

I recently had the good fortune of discovering a new species of mite that looks bizarre enough to be no less suitable for science fiction than science reality. Luckier still, collecting it did not require an arduous and intrepid journey across hostile terrain to reach the location. I simply walked across the road from my workplace and fetched a soil sample from a neglected lot on the Ohio State University campus. The event was as lackluster as it was serendipitous.

The new species has a worm-like form that makes it immediately apparent that it belongs to the Nematalycidae — an enigmatic family of mites that are sometimes mistaken for nematodes. But the presence of long and unbranched body setae (hairs) readily distinguishes it from the four previously described species of nematalycids. Given how little we know about this family, I did not hesitate to accept an invitation from my collaborators, Ronald Ochoa and Gary Bauchan, to use their high-tech facilities at the Beltsville Agricultural Research Center in Maryland in order to examine and describe Osperalycus tenerphagus — the first species and genus of Nematalycidae to be described in 40 years.

People wonder how I failed Biology in high school two times... stuff like this is a perfect example. It starts with dissecting frogs and then the next thing you know you're taking soil samples of vacant parking lots and considering your "good fortune" in unearthing horrifying new species. No thanks; I'm good.

I do not think I will sleep tonight, knowing these blood-suckers are out there, amassing their army and waiting to strike when humanity is at its absolute weakest. Good thing these tiny idiots don't have a nuclear bomb.

 


25 Comments

Comments

Borrowed Time's picture

DJ your over the top writing style continues to give me many good chuckles. Thank you

+3 HS
Hovenaut's picture

I'm running away swiftly, horrified...

 

And that bug is pretty f'n scary too.

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I am not very smart.

+9 HS
Killer nuts's picture

It looks like her running is causing the earth to shake

+3 HS
Hovenaut's picture

Hope the cameraman received hazardous pay for all that.

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I am not very smart.

MacG91's picture

She just saw that the professor brought doughnuts

Mac..yeah

+2 HS
Hovenaut's picture

Is Hoke teaching up there?

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I am not very smart.

+3 HS
buckeyeEddie27's picture

Looks like the gross mom from honey boo boo. 

Something tells me there are 1000s of new nasty ass species living on and with those people.   I'm gonna go Lysol my face for even thinking about it.

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

+1 HS
BierStube's picture

 

"No matter where you go, there you are." B. Banzai

+6 HS
Earle's picture

Man, it bugs me to no end when people mistake nematalycids for nematodes.

Just say no to italics abuse.

+17 HS
BierStube's picture

Probably an honest mistake.  A similar search was done in the "big house" recently, unfortunately it was determined there have been no signs of life there for years!

"No matter where you go, there you are." B. Banzai

+1 HS
PittBuckeye's picture

Maybe they're friendly?

+1 HS
Squirrel Master's picture

oh, I thought this was another Bert Bulimia article!

I guess we need to stop that after win tradition of drunkenly licking the parking lot stops. Damn!

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

+1 HS
703Buckeye's picture

But Paul always says "ohhhh yes!" I don't want to hear that right now, haha.

"Attack the Strong, Trample the Weak, Hurdle the Dead!"
-Former OSU S&C Coach Lichter

Scarlet_Lutefisk's picture
I, for one, welcome our new arachnid overlords.
 
 
 

 

+4 HS
PittBuckeye's picture

They look like sock puppets, can't possibly be mean sock puppets.

buckeyeEddie27's picture

Tremors. 

Just call Kevin Bacon. Problem solved.

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

+1 HS
HandsOfSweed's picture

Damnit. Is anyone else getting all itchy and scratching all over for no reason other than having read/seen this??

+4 HS
Seattle Linga's picture

Darn it Sweed - there goes the weekend.

+2 HS
buckeyedude's picture

Gross. That thing eerily reminds me of my ex-mother-in-law. Is it a blood sucker?

 

 

+2 HS
PittBuckeye's picture

I am wildly curious to see your ex-wife. And no it'll go after your plants before your neck.

+1 HS
lamplighter's picture

I think we pack the up and send them to ttuns' locker rooom

AkronBuckeye13's picture

I wouldn't want to do that, I'd feel bad for the mites.

+1 HS