I didn't know it was possible for an Ohio State's athletics team to lose a tournament in 2015. But, that's indeed what happened this past Saturday when Ohio State lost the dang "third-round" game to Arizona.
So, what's an Ohio State fan to do now that the postseason rolls on without the Buckeyes? One option — and this has been my preferred option in year's past — is to turn off the tournament entirely. That way, it's as if nobody won. (WTF UBER FACT: The Titanic's Captain Smith is the originator of this hustle.)
But, what if you're a compulsive gambler? What if you like watching future accountants brick wide open three-point shots? WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN?
Well, that's why me, the fella who watched his first non-Ohio State game of the season last weekend, is here to babysplain your rooting options to you, the much more knowledgeable fan.
THE (SOMEWHAT) LOVEABLE UNDERDOGS
Wichita State: I realize they bumped Ohio State out of the 2013 tournament, but the only thing I find detestable about Wichita State is that there's nothing genuinely detestable about them.
"The Shockers" is a great a name. The Big Show played center for them in the early 1990s. They just knocked off Bill Self's toupee.
On top of that, they're coached by a warlock. You might say, "DJ, what proof do you offer that Gregg Marshall dabbles in dark magic?" To which I'd say, "The fact he routinely convinces talented #teens to spend the best years of their life in a place like Wichita, Kansas." Your head would then explode in defeat.
Do you like warlocks or PG-13 porno double entendres? Ride with the Shockers.
N.C. State: The first thing that comes to my mind about N.C. State is its nickname, THE WOLFPACK. When I think about THE WOLFPACK, I think about the rival N.W.O. faction by the same name, which included the legendary Scott Hall.
What's Scott Hall up to these days, you ask?
The nWo theme music just played in an ATL Strip Club. #LapDance #OldSchool
— Scott Hall (@SCOTTHALLNWO) March 22, 2015
I've hitched rides on a lot shadier bandwagons than this one, folks. And as someone whose literally made a career out of poor decisions, I say you could make worse ones than cheering for the Wolfpack like it's 1999.
WEST VIRGINIA: Don't ask me about the events that led to it, but one time, I found myself the convenience store of a West Virginian truck stop. In that truck stop was a man purchasing two dollies of differing cases of beer. It was a Wednesday afternoon.
I think about that man a lot, and wonder if he's ascended to his rightful enshrinement in Valhalla.
But West Virginia, a team coached by an unscrupulous man who looks like a used vacuum salesman that moonlights as a mafia hitman, is bound to pick up fans for its Thursday night clash with Kentucky, a team coached by an unscrupulous man who looks like a used vacuum salesman that moonlights as a mafia hitman.
If you like liquor, fat men in track suits, or enjoy doing petty crime, perhaps West Virginia is the team for you.
UTAH: I'm torn between feeling empathy for those sentenced to a life in Utah and wondering if they did something in a past life to deserve it.
Are you a fan of HBO's Oz? Get a load of Utah.
THE DETESTABLE UNDERDOGS
MICHIGAN STATE: I'm not hateful enough to deny Tom Izzo's quality as a collegiate basketball coach, but his self-aggrandizement rubs me the wrong way. Do people ever call him on it? No, because he puppeteers the media like a career lobbyist.
You might say, "But he's a B1G guy!" As if I'd wake up the morning after a Michigan State championship juiced because the conference to which my favorite team belongs got another ring? That'd make me a Kentucky football fan.
And that Virginia-Michigan State "game" did more to degrade college basketball than anything John Calpari has done. I'd rather watch two Mexican cartel members dig my own grave than be subjected to that film again.
Do not cheer for Michigan State.
XAVIER: Underdogs aren't intrinsically good. If Xavier is a Sweet 16 Cinderalla, then by the will of Warren G. Harding, may she end up in a federal prison on a pill-trafficking beef.
Have you ever met a Xavier Man©? They're not cut from Underdog's cape. I felt more state kinship with the Gem City as the Flyers dumped the Basketbucks in the 2014 tournament than I ever have with Xavier.
Imagine a world in which Xavier won the tournament. Remember, this is a team that acts like drubbing Cincinnati, a team no longer coached by the majestic Bob Huggins, is a cause for celebration. No thanks.
I hope Xavier's tournament run collapses worse than Suge Knight when the judge hit him with that $25 million bail tag.
Is your earliest memory waking up on third base? Do you think it's acceptable to feed Skyline Chili to a minor? If yes to either of those questions, Xavier might be your team.
U.C.L.A.: Ah yes, UCLA, a school whose history was literally bought and paid for by a booster and — outside of a championship 20 years ago — hasn't been good since. It's a Bill Walton away from being Da U of college basketball.
I'm supposed to cheer for these guys and their perfect weather while I'm still running my heat in the final third of March? Please.
Remember, these are the same group of jokers that scored seven points in a half against Kentucky, yet somehow it's Coach Cal who is ruining college sports.
If you enjoy mediocrity or nepotism, ride with the Bruins.
GONZAGA: The only way I will ever tune into a Gonzaga game is if there's a chance it will end with Adam Morrison weeping like a gothic #teen at center court. Other than that, Gonzaga can get bent.
It's the same story every year. Gonzaga runs roughshod over its shitty little conference, makes a few moves and finds itself in the Sweet 16. Then they get dumped. It's the real-life ending to all those inspirational Disney sports movies.
This is all without mentioning John Stockton. Oh, what I would pay to watch Derek Rose (with two good ACLs) punch a dunk down Stockton's throat. I'm sure he'll be at the Arizona game too, to get his 15 preening seconds of camera time and to remind us that he used to get his ass whipped by Michael Jordan.
OKLAHOMA: This is a school that made me agree with the SEC's lizard prince, fake lawyer Clay Travis. I hope they lose every game in every sport until they shutter the school out of shame.
Do not cheer for Oklahoma.
THE DETESTABLE OVERDOGS
ARIZONA: Some people like to say, "Well, at least we lost to the champs!" Not me. Bad sportsmanship is a lifestyle, and I hope Arizona gets clubbed like an unruly Waffle House patron at 3:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning.
Do not cheer for Arizona.
WISCONSIN: If you like the idea of a Vampire sucking the blood from your neck, then Wisconsin is the team for you.
Bo Ryan just turned a crispy 3,000, and his teams are as still as interesting as the diary of a medieval farmer. It's true, Frank Kaminsky will make more money than me next year playing in the Polish league, but he won't ever be on my television screen again. That's a W for me in my ledger.
Do not cheer for Wisconsin. Bo Ryan will get knocked back to the stone ages on Thursday night.
NORTH CAROLINA: If North Carolina was willing to literally make-up classes to whisk football players through, then only an idiot would believe those "perks" didn't extend to its championship-winning basketball program. Somehow, North Carolina has avoided being blackballed from the NCAA.
Why would you want to join Carolina's bandwagon in a game in which it's not playing Duke? There are plenty of people in Ohio (who, oddly, all drive Honda Civics) that have been doing that for years. Boring.
Actually, Ohio State is my second team in basketball. I'm a big Carolina fan. Oh, I bet you are, pal. I bet you are. Are you going to put that nail through my skull or am I going to have to do it myself?
Mugsy Bogues isn't even on this team. Do not cheer for North Carolina.
LOUISVILLE: Lorded over by a sociopathic authoritarian and financed by a drunken pizza garlic-and-cheese-laced cardboard tycoon, it's a testament to John Calipari's program that Louisville isn't even the most loathsome team in its state.
This is a team that literally plays in a hellscape entitled, "The KFC Yum! Center." If George Orwell's corpse dug itself out from its grave, it would look around and moonsault back into it in total disgust. It'd be healthier to feed your child bowls of polio than a steady diet of KFC or Papa John's.
And all that soul-selling, for what? A "second place in Kentucky" trophy, SMDH.
Do not cheer for Louisville.
KENTUCKY: Because I'm dead inside and pain and suffering pleases me, I am cheering for Kentucky to run the table. That may be a #hater's #take so #hot it requires oven mitts, but folks, I call it like I see it.
Make no mistake: Kentucky is detestable, and there were 17th-century pirate ships less uncouth than #BBN, but you know what? The hater in me is forced to tip my cap to John Calipari because he embraces the role. And unlike Bobby Huggins, Calpari's actually won something.
Cheer for Kentucky, because what is dead inside can never die.
NOTRE DAME: Notre Dame Basetball: All the obnoxiousness of their football program, without any of the "history." In twenty years, there will be no more Notre Dame fans, the Cable TV industry will have imploded, and NBC will finally pay for broadcasting all those wretched Notre Dame games.
Oh, and don't forget that Rudy is a scumbag con artist.
Do not cheer for Notre Dame.
DUKE: The only team more insufferable than Duke is Michigan, and thankfully, they didn't even let those bums through the door this year.
I've met plenty of Duke basketball fans in Ohio, but am still in search of an Ohioan who is also a Duke football fan. Why would any college sports fan just pick one program from one school? It's front-running at its worse.
"But I've been a Duke basketball fan since I was a kid!" To me, that just means they've been front-running that much longer.
"But you'll turn in to watch them lose!" The hell I will. I'll just read about it the next morning while I sip my Liston® tea from my throne, which also, coincidentally, is my toilet.
Do not cheer for Duke.
In fact, outside of the Shockers and N.C. State's Scott Hall connection, there's no sensible reason to cheer for any team. So, it's of my professional advice, that if those two teams should fall before their hands clutch the gold, then you should instead spend your time flipping through 11W's football championship photo album.
The full Sweet 16 schedule can be found over here.
