Let's Get Ready to Stumble!

By Johnny Ginter on October 25, 2013 at 2:30p
Not infallible, contrary to popular belief.

I can feel it coming, like a prelude to a particularly stinky fart. It's been building all season, this impending sense of doom that the 2013 Ohio State Buckeyes are destined to drop a game.

Blasphemy, right? How dare I imply that a team that's allowed 24 passing plays of 30 yards or more this season might be victimized late in games by long bombs over their secondary? How could I possibly insinuate that a team allowing opponents to convert red zone opportunities into touchdowns almost 60% of the time might not be able to get crucial stops at the end of games? Why is it even relevant that Ohio State is currently 80th in the country in pass defense, allowing over 240 yards a game?

Notice how a lot of that has to do with passing defense? Good thing in the coming weeks they only have to play one of the best young QBs in the game, the 9th ranked passing offense in the country, and a highly erratic dude who still somehow managed to pass for over 500 yards last week somehow.

Maybe it won't happen. Maybe the team shifts just right in their metaphorical chairs and the fart never comes. But if it does and Ohio State somehow drops a game, SPITTING IN THE FACE OF ALL THAT ABRAHAM LINCOLN DID TO SAVE THIS COUNTRY, I want you to be prepared. Which is why this week I've made a disaster readiness checklist of sorts to help get you through potential tough times. Read on, and pray you don't have to take any of these drastic measures anytime soon.

Step 1: Ignore your baser instincts

The Buckeyes have just lost a game, and even worse, they lost to a team they should've (in your eyes) beaten. Jaw clenched in rage, you immediately storm over to your computer to memorialize your rage for all eternity on the internet. One thought is racing through your head. It is a thought born from semi-coherent reasoning and kinda sorta unbiased opinion, but right now you're in all caps mode and the world needs to hear that LUKE FICKELL NEEDS TO BE FIRED RIGHT NNNOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!

This is the closest thing I could find to "Braxton Miller looking angry"A DISAPPOINTING TURN OF EVENTS

Except: you don't want that.

Yeah I do, dude. He sucks. I hate him and want him fired.

Okay, maybe you do want that, but the point is that you don't really want that. Firing coaches in the middle of the season when the team isn't performing at a Longhorns level of badness is generally a poor decision, and really not one you want to see your head coach make because of public outcry. That implies that there is something way, way more problematic in a football program than a crappy performance from a particular unit on the team.

Plus, it's week 8. At this point it's pretty much ride or die with who we've got; you can compile an enemies list after the end of the season, but right now it isn't super helpful.

Step 2: Steel thyself

One thing you might want to remind yourself is that most football fans aren't in the same position as you are, being an Ohio State fan, and have very little sympathy for your team losing one game versus their team's six. This is also referred to as "jealousy," and it can be pretty funny as long as you don't take it too seriously.

Of course, it's not just fans that will get on your case; I promise you that at least three national sportswriters already have an "OBVIOUSLY Ohio State was overrated" piece planned out in their heads in the event that the Buckeyes screw it up. It'll be a rushjob and poorly worded with a ton of one sentence paragraphs, but the comment section will probably approach five thousand posts as Alabama fans gleefully run their marginally better schedule in your face.

It will all suck, but the last thing you want to do it engage with any of it. Winning is the only remedy to an infection of schadenfreude. Oh, and speaking of which...

Step 3: Take joy In the misery of others

Let's say Ohio State loses to Penn State this weekend. Or maybe against Purdue after a deadly MRSA/flesh eating virus/spontaneous combustion combo ravages the team. Or Michigan. Whoever.

The prudently paranoid football fan will have several articles in his or her bookmarks, ready to soothe a weary soul. I'm partial to basically any post from MGoBlog after a loss to Ohio State, but hyperbolic message board posts from Rivals.com do the trick nicely as well. Just remember that college football is a shared experience, and in a way, your temporary misery is really just a way to help others in the same situation. It's the circle of life, Simba.

Step 4: Let Go

The hardest step. One of the things you need to do after a loss is to take stock in what you have as an Ohio State fan, and look at the long path of history that has afforded your ability to be so mad after one measly loss.

Know this: Ohio State has had FOUR losing seasons in the last sixty years. The current college football top dog, Alabama, has had twice that in the same time frame. And hell, as long as we're comparing ourselves to the Tide, remember how angry some of us were that we had to vacate our wins from the 2010 season? Yeah, Bama has had to do that four times since 1993 (and have been placed under a bowl ban three times in that same timespan).

The best part about letting go is that you gain perspective, that difficult, smug quality that allows you to be the old man of your friends, arms crossed and eyes rolling as you sigh at their angry monkeyshines. BECOME THAT OLD MAN.

I don't think that Ohio State will lose to Penn State tomorrow. A night game plus a healthy Braxton plus El Guapo plus alternate unis plus Pick Six U plus whatever else probably spells a win for the Buckeyes.

But sooner or later at some point they are going to lose a game. It will be stupid, the team will play like crap, and it will in all likelihood come against a team that Ohio State should have beaten. There have been six perfect seasons in nearly 125 years of Ohio State football. The odds of you not having to deal with internalized rage are somewhat low.

That's okay. Just because a team isn't perfect doesn't mean that it isn't a hell of a lot of fun to watch, and it doesn't discount their accomplishments. Good and bad can still coalesce into a hearty stew of greatness, and ultimately the only thing that determines how much enjoyment that you get from watching Ohio State football is yourself.



andretolstoy's picture

And when this day comes, it will be all Luke Fickell's fault! ;)

mtgerken's picture

This is the perfect gif for that! I read the opening paragraph and skipped to the comments :)

"Because I couldn't go for three!"


icbuck's picture

Loved this gif. This is my "Go to" move when I don't like what I'm hearing.  Perfect for this article.  Now, if only there was a particularly childish move for "I'm not seeing this."

igo43's picture


"The minute I think I'm getting mellow, I'm retiring. Who ever heard of a mellow winner?" - WWH

jeremytwoface's picture

Ohio State will lose a game?

The first man gets the ((((Oyster)))), the second man gets the shell.

buckeye4life7's picture

YES. My excitement for Anchorman 2 to come out is through the roof!

igo43's picture


"The minute I think I'm getting mellow, I'm retiring. Who ever heard of a mellow winner?" - WWH

InHartWeTrust's picture

How do you downvote a staff article?
Kidding aside, we are going to lose at some point, I just don't even want to think about it.  When it happens, it happens, and I will lock myself in my bedroom and find a way to deal with it.

johnblairgobucks's picture

But sooner or later at some point they are going to lose a game. It will be stupid, the team will play like crap, and it will in all likelihood come against a team that Ohio State should have beaten. There have been six perfect seasons in nearly 125 years of Ohio State football. The odds of you not having to deal with internalized rage are somewhat low.

That's okay. Just because a team isn't perfect doesn't mean that it isn't a hell of a lot of fun to watch, and it doesn't discount their accomplishments. Good and bad can still coalesce into a hearty stew of greatness, and ultimately the only thing that determines how much enjoyment that you get from watching Ohio State football is yourself.

excellent article, IMO.
Go Bucks!

johnblairgobucks's picture

at first I thought the GIF was in reverse, and then I thought...... no way he is spitting booze into that bottle.
I've got my Buffalo Trace Kentucky Bourbon on hand for Saturday night. If things get dicey, it'll be an empty bottle by midnight.

jeremytwoface's picture

But not the drinking and driving part, right?

The first man gets the ((((Oyster)))), the second man gets the shell.

thirtytrap's picture

Step 6
Chase small fury creatures around your yard with the weed eater.

Johnny Ginter's picture

"johnny, is that you or the liquor talking?"

"mackrm408... i AM the liquor"

45has2's picture

Pick Six U is nothing but a cast of shit puppets acting out a shit play directed by their shitacular BOB.

"I don't like nice people. I like tough, honest people." -W.W. Hayes

Alhan's picture

Apparently the commentariat has no appreciation for the beautifully worded prose of Jim Lahey.

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

buckatron32's picture

You smell that Randy... A shit storms a brewing 

Boxley's picture

The only way we lose tomorrow, is if the team doesn't show up, either physically ot mentally. Period.
Now having put my neck in the noose, it would suck less losing to PSU than UM. And beating Um to keep them from division champ goals would provide a soothing balm about the PSU game. At that point win the CCG and move on to the Rose Bowl, by the ends of the season we can all say....
Awww, screw that, I want to win out, and roast whomever in the NCG.
Anything less will be disappointing, making for a very long offseason, but not as long as last ears offseason. i will hate it for awhile, but soon enough get cranking for "next year".

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

BoBo16's picture

The thought of that makes me want to throw up!!!

Eat, Sleep, and Breathe Buckeyes

opus's picture


Hovenaut's picture

It's like someone really did bust @$$.....this article stinks.

I am not very smart, but I recognize that I am not very smart.

Earle's picture

Can we get some scented candles in here, please?

Just say no to italics abuse.

buckeyeEddie27's picture

lol I made it one line in and had to go see the comments.   
....off to read the rest now.
..back.. Great and scarily accurate depiction of the stages of an Ohio State loss. It's true as much as it sucks to say, they will someday drop one. I think if everyone is honest with themselves we can admit there is a silent preparation in the back of our collective minds for such a catastrophe. The Gators in '06, LSU in '07, USC at home, Texas at home, and The fat slob a couple years ago in Madison will do that to a person. It's ok. There is no need to be completely blind sided by these things. While it won't really ease the pain it helps just a tiny bit to have a loosely constructed, hopefully dusty and not recently used Sky Is Falling plan waiting in the wings. Hell I slept with the damn thing all of 2011. While it's certainly not in arm's reach right now I know where it is and vaguely remember how to follow it. Here's hoping I don't get a refresher course anytime soon.

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

Right Again's picture

This will be a really good article to refer to in 10 years when Urban loses his first game at OSU

Phillips.449's picture

I didn't realize Urban had such Hairy hands!

Poison nuts's picture

I hope he's not blind too...

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

ChazBuckeye's picture

As long as that loss isn't to TTUN...I'll be ok;-)  I love MACKRM408's post...that was me 2011 season(after the NEB game, I think I blacked out...but I really can't remember).  LOTS of drinking...and I mean LOTS!  I've recovered since then.

Some people think we’re the hunted.I don’t feel that way at all.We’re the hunter.Everybody wants an angry football team.Everybody wants a team on edge and a hungry team.If you’re a hunter,that usually equates to being hungry.

stcburn's picture

F-you Johnny I want it ALL! Undefeated season, national championship. Never feeling the agony of a loss again!

Breakawayspeed's picture

"I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great."

buckeyeEddie27's picture

"oh, Beldar"

I know there's a game Saturday, and my ass will be there.

FitzBuck's picture

If the dreaded L happens it will be ESPNs fault.  
Dont ask why.  Just know they are behind it.  

Fitzbuck | Toledo - Ohio's right armpit | "A troll by any other name is still a troll".

BuckeyeInOrlando's picture

I stopped reading after the second paragraph... I refuse to play along.

Buckeye1004's picture

As a Buckeye stuck in Sooner Hell I have been reminded this week on no less than 3 occasions that Oklahoma was supposed to crush Texas.  I have responded each time with, "We're not Oklahoma and Penn State is not Texas".  

BoFuquel's picture

In my many years of being a buckeye football fan the unthinkable has happened about 5 times for every time it didn't happen. We still have never completed two seasons in a row undefeated. This is our first chance after Wiskey destroyed our last dream.You know that was only 10 seasons ago, so we really can't cry that much just yet according to my experiences from past failures. BUT IT AIN"T HAPPENED YET! GO BUCKS!  

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

hcazualcc's picture

johnny's fearless

45has2's picture

Johnny knows exactly where the end of the chain is.

"I don't like nice people. I like tough, honest people." -W.W. Hayes

andyb's picture

like a prelude to a particularly stinky fart

Just as I take my first bite of lunch, thanks for that!

TMac's picture

Is it 2016 Already ?

Phillips.449's picture

I am coming for you if we lose in 2016 TMAC

TMac's picture

Deal, We can go check out the Crystal at the WHAC!

justanotherbuckeye22's picture

Ohio State  52    Penn State  17

BuckeyeInOrlando's picture

Johnny, if the Buckeyes lose tomorrow, you know we're all coming to find you...

lamplighter's picture

True story:
After OSU lost to Stanford in the 1971 Rose Bowl (I still hate Randy Vataha),  a friend's father talked to no one for about a week.  The first words he spoke were "Damn Ohio State - damn them to hell", and then went around as if nothing had happened.
At least he didn't kick the dog

calebhouser9's picture

This article straight pissed me off... Literally, I understand where you're coming from and obviously we cannot win every game we ever play, but good lord... Why would you even write something like this the day before a PRIMETIME game with literally 75 recruits on board? Let's try and focus on how incredible things are going and not on the future potential for losing a game. IMHO we will NOT lose a game this season. I have no doubt in my mind that we will get the job done tomorrow and the remaining games this season. The very title "Let's get ready to stumble" kind of makes me want to hit you... With that said... Go Bucks and Muck Fichigan!


buckeyestu's picture

It is just past midnight and scum still sucks.

Phillips.449's picture

I believe Urban says "The best part of being 7-0 is the chance to go 8-0".  I have never heard him say "The best part of being 7-0 is thinking about what would happen if we went 7-1". Let's enjoy life right now and just worry about that situation if and when it happens!

kr66osu's picture

Just because you wrote this article, OSU will win by 40 tomorrow
Also to follow the theme of gifs:

calebhouser9's picture

Thank you! This article is pointless


Rjpfish2's picture

Penn St. has already lost at home to Central Florida AND lost by 20 at Indiana this year. Let that soak in for a moment...

Blue Eyed Buckeye's picture

Johnny Ginter stop treading on my shopping cart full of dreams.

cplunk's picture

You know, I realized the other day that:
1) Since we haven't lost this year and
2) We didn't lose last year and
3) I didn't really care much about losing any of the games in the "lost sanctions year" of 6-7 or 6-6 or 3-120 or whatever we were
that I honestly can't remember the last time I watched an Ohio State loss. I assume I'll be devastated if it happens, but it has been so long I'm not sure.
Of course it must be the same for Alabama, Oregon, Florida State, and Baylor fans who also haven't lost in yea........oh, wait.

nm_buck's picture

lol this is a great thread

cajunbuckeye's picture

You seem like a good dude, Johnny. However....

An angry fan...rooting for an angry team...led by angry coaches

ScarletNGrey01's picture

I think I have some appropriate emails on file for just such an occasion.  All I have to do is search and replace the tokens "Kirk Herbstreit".

The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win. -- Woody Hayes

ScarletNGrey01's picture

No one should be offended by this article and the humor should be appreciated ... unless you are a fan of THE Ohio State University buckeyes.

The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win. -- Woody Hayes

KLF Buckeye's picture

I personally believe we will be the first team to never ever lose again, ever.


"Sherman ran an option play right through the south" - Greatest Civil War analogy EVER.

Dirty419Boy's picture

Mr Ginter please don't involve the rest of us in your therapy sessions.

Seattle Linga's picture

Can't we just win them all................... forever?

Haybucks's picture

"The best part of going 8-0 is the chance to go 9-0" will be the topic next week.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was. - Irish proverb


balbak buck's picture

I live overseas and we don't get ABC or ESPN.The only game i watched ,well half of it,was on this site two weeks later.Can anyone plz tell me where on the net i can get the game live ?much obliged.

SC Buckeye's picture

PM sent with a link

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

NOPE - not going to happen this year!!!  Buckeyes are gaining strength each game and I see the defense having their best game this year tonight! 
It is 6:17pm - Flounder Hoke is still fat and michigan still sucks!!!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

d gordon a's picture

If you don`t have the guys to go man in the 2ndary you have to zone so goes the exposure, and Bollman new where they were.  I think Meyer will recruit with going in that direction,  remember the last Nat`l Champ had strong cover  corners. 

BuckeyeEd's picture

Now we get Bama in the Sugar.
Roll Hyde!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....Nice consolation prize.

BammBammRiley's picture

this sucks....I'm trying but this really sucks...

BammBamm is my dog, Riley is my 4 yr old daughter, and THE Ohio state Buckeyes complete the three most sacred loves I cherish

Davep160's picture

Although I am truly upset.   Good luck in the Rose Bowl Sparty, you played well today and it was a good game.

Jasper's picture

We all knew (even if we didn't want to admit it) that sooner or later, the swiss-cheese defense was going to cost the Buckeyes a game.  I'm disappointed, as I'm sure everyone is.  However, realistically it is better that this happened now than at the National Championship Game.  I'll leave the calls for coaches heads to others.  It's all justified, in my mind, but there is no need for me to pile on as well.
Considering where this team was just two short years ago, I'm still very pleased with the progress that UFM has made with the offense.  Hopefully our defense will return next year to the Silver Bullets that we all take so much pride in.
Onward and upward!  Go Bucks!

"If we worked half as hard as our band, we'd be champions." - Woody Hayes

ibuck's picture

I am not pleased with an offense rated below 50 in pass offense, or one that cannot convert 3rd downs.  
OSU's defense sucks. I don't know if it's coaching, scheme, talent, or athlete entitlement. I much prefer DBs who can break up passes and tackle over ones who can talk trash or make big hits (but not always tackles). 

Our honor defend, we will fight to the end !

If you can't win your conference, just quietly accept your non-playoff bowl game.