The Fake Lantern: Carlos Hyde Reinstatement Requirements Leaked

September 18, 2013 at 9:44p    by The Fake Lantern    

COLUMBUS, OH - During his press conference this week, Ohio State coach Urban Meyer announced that Carlos Hyde had been reinstated to the team, mentioning he was impressed with Hyde's dedication during his conditional three game suspension. Two days later, an anonymous OSU staffer leaked the list of tasks that Hyde allegedly needed to complete before regaining his starting job. Following is that list:

  • Dinner and a movie with Coach Coombs.
  • Learn to slap more effectively.
  • Run 50 laps around entire campus.
  • Switch to linebacker.
  • Choose better go-to bar.
  • Legally change surname to Jekyll.
  • 25 push-ups, 40 sit-ups.
  • Stop hitting women relatively soon.
  • Plant 1000 buckeye trees in Buckeye Grove.
  • Learn Spanish (fluently).
  • Complete and pass Criminology 4567 "Principles of Escaping Crimes Without Detection."
  • Significant Jordan Hall fumble.
  • Retake freshman English.
  • Hit a girl in Ann Arbor.

According to the staffer who leaked the list, Hyde has accomplished all of his requirements aside from learning Spanish fluently, as he has yet to progress in his vocabulary past the term "guapo."

The Fake Lantern is the fake student voice of The Ohio State University. You should follow them on Twitter: @TheFakeLantern.



bedheadjc's picture

-- Don't run like a b*tch when instigating. OWN your own bad self...

ohiowhitesnake's picture

It's a damn joke, that is all NCBUCKEYEFORLIFE. The Fake Lantern makes light of stuff...that is all

NCBuckeyeForLife's picture

Sorry, relatively new to the site but passionate about the bucks.  I'll stick to reading and let the others post.  

dubjayfootball90's picture

Glad he got that wh*r*, Ann Arbor... She's a real b*tch

You can feed a bobcat all the chili it wants. That don't mean it's going to crap out diamonds.

BME_Buckeye's picture

If one were run a lap around campus, what streets would that include?

Look closely, because the closer you think you are, the less you will actually see.


Urban Nation Army's picture

High, Lane, Cannon, 9th roughly

Bet you can't say "Bert Bielma is a bumbling buffoon" five times fast.

BME_Buckeye's picture

That excludes West campus. Sigh....

Look closely, because the closer you think you are, the less you will actually see.


Buckeyevstheworld's picture

25 push-ups, 40 sit-ups.

That's pretty easy. How does a RB not get squats as punishment? WEAK!

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

One Bad Buckeye's picture

Better throw in some lunges and burpees for good measure.

"I'm One Bad Buckeye, and I approve this message."

CharlieBuckeye's picture

One punishment they forgot was to make him read Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars" or any other long winded self help book for men to educate themselves about women.

"To have a great life simply follow this rule:  Do not bring undo conflict into your life..."

Charlie Baker - OSU - 1986

BuckeyeSki's picture

That would be cruel and unusual punishment

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

One Bad Buckeye's picture

He should also have to watch "Gone With The Wind" and write a 30 page term paper discussing the statistics of and the psychological impact on women resulting from marital rape during the Civil War era......ouch!

"I'm One Bad Buckeye, and I approve this message."

DJRoss926's picture

Dinner and a movie with Coombs doesn't sound terrible until you realize dinner is a six-pack of Red Bull and Coombs wants to watch all the Fast & Furious movies in one sitting.

Earle's picture

Coach Coombs does not sit.  The closest he gets is stretching, and we all know there are no refreshments included in that activity.

Your Noble Savage is a Straw Yeti.

Unky Buck's picture

I hear this is how he sleeps too...

If you jiggle your monitor, does that make a jiggly gif?

luckynutz's picture

Wonder why there was no cage match with vrabel on there? Talk about punishment...

HighBallAce's picture

Wait, so Hyde slapped Brady Hoke?

mh277907's picture

Pleeeeeeaaaaasssssseee let ESPN fall for this as a real story. Pllllleeeeeeeeeaaaasssseee


BUCKfutter's picture

If the past few months are any indication, SI might be a better bet.

the kids are playing their tail off, and the coaches are screwing it up! - JLS