The Fake Lantern: Carlos Hyde Reinstatement Requirements Leaked
COLUMBUS, OH - During his press conference this week, Ohio State coach Urban Meyer announced that Carlos Hyde had been reinstated to the team, mentioning he was impressed with Hyde's dedication during his conditional three game suspension. Two days later, an anonymous OSU staffer leaked the list of tasks that Hyde allegedly needed to complete before regaining his starting job. Following is that list:
- Dinner and a movie with Coach Coombs.
- Learn to slap more effectively.
- Run 50 laps around entire campus.
- Switch to linebacker.
- Choose better go-to bar.
- Legally change surname to Jekyll.
- 25 push-ups, 40 sit-ups.
- Stop hitting women relatively soon.
- Plant 1000 buckeye trees in Buckeye Grove.
- Learn Spanish (fluently).
- Complete and pass Criminology 4567 "Principles of Escaping Crimes Without Detection."
- Significant Jordan Hall fumble.
- Retake freshman English.
- Hit a girl in Ann Arbor.
According to the staffer who leaked the list, Hyde has accomplished all of his requirements aside from learning Spanish fluently, as he has yet to progress in his vocabulary past the term "guapo."