Dear Offseason

By Jeff Beck on August 29, 2013 at 4:15p
26 Comments

Dear Offseason,

You lifeless, loveless wench. For the past nine months you’ve tortured me. And now I’m writing to tell you that I’ve reached my breaking point. Enough is enough. We’re through.

I know it’s hard for someone like you to understand how it came to this. You’re dense after all. Of course, you’d have to be to exhibit such a total lack of disregard for college football and the joy it brings me. So, I’ll lay it all out for you. Here’s why we’re breaking up.

You see it all started in November, right around Thanksgiving. You found it necessary to move in early, despite the fact you knew we had a previously agreed upon living situation set to start after January. At that point, you were uninvited, and frankly…unwanted. Ultimately you ignored my disapproval and were allowed to stay because this man and his toupée are the ever-inconsistent land-lords.

Well in that extra month, you really decided to make yourself at home. You kicked off your shoes, fell asleep on my couch and proceeded to drool all over my pillows. This of course means you allowed an 8-5 Wisconsin team to represent the B1G in the Rose Bowl

As if that wasn’t enough you then decided to clip your toenails on my bed by allowing Alabama to win their third National Championship in four years. Talk about kicking a guy while he’s down. In doing so you allowed the SEC to continue their seven-year reign of terror, and ultimately green-lighted this guy for a spot in the upper-echelon of college football greatness. 

After that we didn’t speak much. I went to work, you did…whatever it is you do. That went on for about a month or so before we had a brief make-up in February. Moments like this, this and this really made me think we had a chance. But alas, that feeling was fleeting and before I knew it we were back to our old ways: me wanting the season to start and you caring more about the Cavaliers' 2-12 March than my needs.before I knew it we were back to our old ways: me wanting the season to start, and you caring more about the Cavaliers' 2-12 March than my needs.

March is also around the time you attempted to force me to care about this meat-cube “You both like football” you’d say. “He’s someone I think you would really connect with", you’d proclaim. But that was all for naught. We had nothing in common other than our ability to slam a 12-pack the night before game-day. I tried to tune out your monotone Manziel rhetoric with a brief April affair, but I couldn’t go on living in sin, so I went back to you…regrettably.

I could let the constant Manziel talk go. Deep-down I’m an understanding individual who tries to find the best in everyone…even you. But, despite my best efforts you continued to exercise just how stupid you really are.

First it started with this news and the resulting spurious connections you began to make. It’s no secret you are are incredibly dull. With nothing to talk about, you’re forced to gossip to fill the void. I’m the unquestioned loser in this equation. Suddenly I’m supposed to care about some fabricated story stripped of any semblance of fact.

The gossip was bad, but then it got worse. In your TMZ obsessed world, the moment something ACTUALLY happened you speculated, you embellished and you ultimately ignored the facts. This specific instance drove me crazy, and it marked the moment in our relationship when I moved one foot out the door.

The other foot was soon to follow just a few short weeks later when you suspiciously changed your stance on Manziel. Suddenly I wasn’t supposed to care about the guy you spent the majority of our relationship talking about. “Leave him alone, he’s just a kid”, you’d say. “The NCAA’s antiquated rules are to blame”, you’d proclaim. Of course I wasn’t really listening to you, but it seemed like a real flip-flop from your adamant stance just two years ago

Ultimately that was the last straw, offseason.

You've tortured me enough and it's time to put this relationship to bed. We gave it a good run, but it turns out your personality is kind of the worst. I wish you the best, and I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. 

Oh, and don’t worry about me, I’ve already got a new fling. Our first date is scheduled for this Saturday.

26 Comments

Comments

aplumb100's picture

I don't know if I could agree more. 
 

O-H-I-O

ScarletNGrey01's picture

Very clever LOL.  I'll probably get over the NCAA's ridiculous overreaction to the free tattoos for signatures so-called scandal some day.  I think the next few seasons will be very therapeutic for all of us buckeye fans.

The will to win is not as important as the will to prepare to win. -- Woody Hayes

AndyVance's picture

Unfortunately for fans like us, Offseason is the kind of crazy ex-girlfriend who shows back up in a few months whether we want her to or not.

CCatanzaro's picture

Jeff, old friend, that was spectacular.  

Dairy-fed intellect and pure, unhinged sass.

 

Jeff Beck's picture

Ha thank you kind sir. Hope you're doing well. Been far too long

Buckeye Knight's picture

Brilliant article!
 

 
 

BuckeyeNathan4's picture

I hope Johnny football gets a facemask planted right in the numbers.... but the NCAA will then suspend the player who hits him for hitting their baby.... offseason later, GO BUCKS!

Buckeyeneer's picture

FU offseason, you dirty trollup!

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

boojtastic's picture

heh. trollup. old-timey accusations of promiscuity are the best accusations of promiscuity.

Buckeyeneer's picture

I concur, Boojtastic. I was reclining on my davenport reminiscing about this offseason past, when I realized that she was indeed a fancy woman of immoral intentions and ill repute.

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes

THE Ohio State University

southernstatesbuckeye's picture

Or, if you have read the "Wheel of Time" series, it would be Trolloc instead.  Nasty creatures, those, and one of the more excellent reading adventures you will ever go on.

jedkat's picture

This offseason can go F*** itself!

“The teams that don’t respect their coaches and don’t trust their coaches are the teams that go .500"
~Zach Boren

BuckeyeSki's picture

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

bucks_4_life's picture

I toilet papered offseasons house last night!  It doesn't make up for the past 9 months of agonizing pain but it's a start! ;)

The juice is worth the squeeze

nfischer's picture

fling?  fling?  This is more than a fling! I think I'm ready to take this to the next level.

MN Buckeye's picture

Very well done, JB! The extra weeks without a bowl game have been excruciating this time around. And as for the off-season, your perfect analogy

You lifeless, loveless wench.

Idaho Helga's picture

Enjoyed the read, very creative.  Now push her to the side because the one on Saturday is HOT!

CentralFloridaBuckeye's picture

Love it!  Goodbye to the offseason!  Let the games begins!!
Go Bucks!

Mirror Lake Jump's picture

The offseason is a godless soulless thing

BuckeyeBarga's picture

I admit I hate the SEC like everyone else.  But even if we would have played Notre Dame, the Alabama's, LSU's, Florida's would just be whining that we didnt beat an SEC school.  At some point, we have to beat them.  Im ready for that beating to take place.  37 hours and 30 miuntes till kickoff.......

pjtobin's picture

Toe nails in the bed = bama? I would compare bama to someone leaving Peter tracts on the sheets. While you were gone. And your wife was home "alone". Yes, I hate bama!

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

ejoceans's picture

I really don't understand the Johnny football thing because how can he just think he was doing that for fun or something? And what, the NCAA just takes his word for it? IDK but it sure does stink to high hell to me! Oh well, wouldn't it be something to see Braxton vs Johnny in the title game and Braxton stomp me into never never land? lol Go Bucks!!!

Lets do this Brutus

ejoceans's picture

stomps him. sorry

Lets do this Brutus