Report: Coaches Disappointed In Bradley Roby's Open Bar Tackling

By The Fake Lantern on August 19, 2013 at 10:55a

COLUMBUS, OH – Following last week's news that Ohio State cornerback Bradley Roby's misdemeanor assault charge had been reduced to disorderly conduct, Urban Meyer finally spoke out about the star defender's status on the team.

"We're glad Bradley isn't in as much trouble as we thought, but now we've got some bigger concerns moving forward," said the Buckeyes' coach. "We need defenders who can make the big tackles, not defenders who can't even take down a bouncer hard enough to warrant an assault charge," stated a clearly disappointed Meyer.

According to several coaches, Roby has played up to his own high standards during practices running with the second team defense, but an eventual leap back to first team is not certain due to the defensive back's inability to effectively tackle slow-moving guards in the open bar.

"Bradley's been doing well, sure. He's certainly an elite shutdown corner most of the time," said defensive backs coach Kerry Coombs. "But then again, he can't wrap up a bouncer strongly enough to require a charge pursued to the fullest extent of the law? This guy is supposed to be a leader!"

Update: According to a report, Roby's charges have now been completely dismissed, prompting Urban Meyer to devote an entire practice to improving the corner's tackling.

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rekrul's picture

Nice hand and an even better lay down...  I am just glad he got away from that hand and he was not pot committed.

Out Work, Out Think, Out Play!!!

Buckeyebrowny919's picture

Now this is awesome. I like this fake lantern idea.

To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift - Steve Prefontaine

Oyster's picture

The Onion should take notes.

"Scrolling hurts my finger"

(and FitzBuck was clearly the winner)

walshy's picture


"Without winners, there wouldn't even be civilization."

OurHonorDefend09's picture

Always thought The Fake Lantern needed to do an article titled, "OSU no chance at National Championship, starting RB can't even knock girl down."
NOTE: I don't condone violence against women, I just have a humor pretty close to DJ's and fake articles are always funny.

Don't give up... Don't ever give up.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Bwwaaa haaa haaaa!!!! This one made me laugh hysterically!!! Nicely done!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

Jabba the Hoke's picture

This is brilliant, and Roby definitely needs to learn to tackle better.

buckz4evr's picture

Good one, Fake Lantern.  Most likely, there's some underlying truth to what you wrote. 

wolfman's picture

You had me there for a second....better get some more coffee before I finish reading!

Larryp713's picture

Reminds me of Les Miles critiquing the referee for not wrapping up when he knocked down the QB. Great stuff.



Deadly Nuts's picture

ESPN: Urban Meyer promotes fighting bouncers.
I wish this were real. I would love to see that article.


brandonbauer87's picture

Fake Lantern is frontpage material now? I love it!

buckeyestu's picture

Cracked me up reading this. Maybe urbz should recruit those bouncers to play for TOSU.

Deadly Nuts's picture

Or that girl that slapped El Guapo. Anyone who has the nerve to slap El Guapo deserves a roster spot.


Earle's picture

What is it about tackling and Indiana?

Have you tried Not Your Father's Root Beer?  It tastes just like the real thing, but it packs a punch (5.9%ABV).  It's a little sweet for me though.  Two is my limit.

Oldschoolbuck's picture

Excellent, Earle! 

jeremytwoface's picture

Ah... ya got me there for a second. I started reading before I saw it was a Fake Lantern post.
Well done.
I knew there was something up after I read the first quote from Meyer.

And when we win the game, we'll buy a keg of boooooooooze!! And we'll drink to old Ohio 'till we wobble in our shoes.

BME_Buckeye's picture

School is back in session thus the fake lantern is back. Lol, good work with this story. 

Look closely, because the closer you think you are, the less you will actually see.


Unky Buck's picture

Love me some satirical humor! Or is it humour?

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rkylet83's picture

The Latern Onion style!

SoDakBuckeyeFan's picture

Hilarious. But seriously I think they were just going high thud that night in the bar. Can't go live all the time you know. 


pjtobin's picture

Loved it! Please continue doing these at least once a week. Pretty please!!!

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad.