NCAA to Institute Code of Hammurabi for 2014 Season

By Johnny Ginter on August 7, 2013 at 2:00p
21 Comments
way backGoing back to our roots

In response to a glut of recent controversies surrounding the payment of college football athletes for various services rendered, including autograph signings by Texas A&M star Johnny Manziel that allegedly netted the QB upwards of five figures, the NCAA has decided to institute the Code of Hammurabi for the 2014 football season.

"Well, we looked at various codes of law throughout history, the Magna Carta, Sakoku, the Twelve Tables of Roman Law, and so on. But really when it came right down to it, no rule of order really encompasses the ideals of the NCAA quite as well as the nearly 4000 year old Code of Hammurabi," NCAA president Mark Emmert stated on Tuesday.

Standing in front of a large stone slab etched with cuneiform writing, Emmert went on to say that while some adjustments the the original text were necessary, he hoped that he was able to preserve its spirit.

"The Code of Hammurabi is great because it has so many practical applications for what we're trying to achieve here; not just in terms of setting a moral standard for our student-athletes off the field, but also making sure that they understand that their actions on the field will have consequences."

In a 25 minute PowerPoint presentation to several dozen athletic directors from around the country, Emmert explained how the NCAA would incorporate the social code first instituted by the famous king of ancient Babylon.

According to the NCAA president, the new moral code for student-athletes would ensure that off the field incidents would be kept to a strict minimum, especially relevant in light of recent events involving Ohio State's Carlos Hyde and Bradley Roby and LSU's Jeremy Hill assaulting a man outside of a bar.

"I mean, really the only changes we had to make were in terms of terminology. Pretty much any item of value such as 'horse,' 'ox,' or 'cow' becomes 'money gained from selling autographs or personal items,' 'man' and 'owner' becomes 'coach,' and of course 'slave' becomes 'student-athlete.'"

In attendance was Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany, who asked for examples that schools could refer to in the event of a violation. To answer his question, Emmert was prepared with a series of slides that showed how this implementation would work in theory:

  • If a booster shall give a player a dowry, the player's left hand shall be cut off and the booster will pay the NCAA two shekels
  • If a player or players is caught making an offensive rap song in their dorm, specifically between the 6th and 8th floors, their feet shall be cut off and they will pay to their university six pounds of corn each
  • If a player desires to transfer from one school to another, they shall be buried up to the neck and three jars of ants shall be poured on their faces
  • If a player desires to profit off their own image, they must play their former school five shekels, sit out a season, and have their foreheads cut with a knife to denote their treachery

Holding an overripe tomato in his right hand, Emmert plunged an Exacto knife into the soft, supple flesh of the garden fruit to demonstrate proper scarring technique.

THIS MAN IS YOUR ENEMYLiterally the very devil himself

"The trick is to make sure the player holds his head still, because otherwise you might end up taking out an eye. And no one wants to be on the hook for another eye! That quid pro quo clause can be a real bitch," said the chief policy maker for the NCAA.

The new code wasn't just limited to off the field transgressions. Emmert also made clear that the concept of ejections for reckless hits instituted by the Big Ten will be adopted and expanded upon, all according to the will of a man who conquered Kish and Sippar. According to Emmert:

  • Helmet-to-helmet hits will be punished by transferring one players' concubine to the victim, or, if player has no concubine, three reams of silk
  • A player found taunting before a touchdown will not only result in a loss of said touchdown, but the player will also be stoned to death at midfield
  • Woody Hayes would've faced zero repercussions whatsoever

Emmert's nostrils flared, his eyes turning a deep shade of red and his terrible visage grew large and frightening as he noted that in an era where NCAA rules and regulations were being challenged more than ever, the organization would clearly have to make some changes to stay relevant.

"We need to move forward, and to do so, we needed to look backward. Paying players, relaxing restrictions on endorsements, allowing athletes to sell their own property? None of these values are consistent with the will of our god Marduk! THE GREAT MASTER HAMMURABI HAS LED THE WAY! LET US SEE THAT MARDUK'S WILL BE DONE! SARRUM LA SANAN! SARRUM LA SANAN!"

Emmert then presented to the assembled athletic directors a jar full of severed ears obtained from Sun Belt players who had neglected to report their involvement at a youth summer camp.

"EAT OF THEIR FLESH, MY FRIENDS. THEY ARE BUT ANTS BENEATH OUR FEET."

After the subsequent feast, Jim Delany had this to say about current counter-proposals to relax NCAA restrictions on player pay.

"He (Manziel) knew the rules of the game when he came (to Texas A&M)," Delany said. "If you don't agree with the rules of the game, he can go into another game. ... If you want to get paid, if you want to market yourself, there are a variety of ways you can do it. In Europe, in Arena Football, you can fight to change the rules to leave college early, but as long as you're in a system with a thousand other athletes, you abide by the rules.

Delany then wiped the blood from his mouth, adjusted his toga, and shuffled back to the ongoing orgy.

21 Comments

Comments

YTOWNBUCKI's picture

Well done, Johnny.  I found myself laughing hysterically at this one. 
What's up with the current fascination of Power Point?  Do people really believe that we read that shit when presented to us?

FitzBuck's picture

Um.....problem.  How are these players going to acquire shekels?

Fitzbuck | Toledo - Ohio's right armpit | "A troll by any other name is still a troll".

Nick's picture

TIL Israel uses shekels it is about 28 cents in USD

BierStube's picture

It is actually quite a process.  Players must participate in their respective villages in an event called "heckles for shekels".  Players must perform a "court jesterish" routine as the members of the village throw stale unleavened bread at them.  Based on the number of bruises, scrapes, and cuts, the players will receive shekels for their efforts.  Shekels are given in the name of Marduk or Enlil (based entirely upon the region) therefore eliminating any impropriety since a religious aspect was involved.  If you don't believe me .. ask the Newton's!

"No matter where you go, there you are." B. Banzai

4thandinches's picture

Signing helmets.

I wasn't born a Buckeye but I became one as fast as I could. 

Squirrel Master's picture

I think they should have given the code of the samurai a look. (and I'm not talking about the Bushido code, that is a bunch of malarky)
I believe you must remove a finger if you dishonor the code.
death by sword through sternum would be required if you do what Manziel did, because it is so horrible.

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

BierStube's picture

Johnny are you sure there is not a weighted scale in terms of the concubine for silk exchange ... seems awfully arbitrary!

"No matter where you go, there you are." B. Banzai

Squirrel Master's picture

I agree, I think it would be unfair to have to take in the corn fed Iowan concubine when I would have to give up a solid Kentuckian 3 tooth concubine.

I saw a UFO once.......it told me to have a goodyear!

southbymidwest's picture

What, no herds of cattle, goats or sheep? Come on!

ih8rolltyde's picture

I dont think I received the proper pills before reading this.

****igan smells like old water that hot dogs were boiled in.  FACT

Hovenaut's picture

Great script....shop the movie rights.

Starring Gary Busey as Mark Emmert.

BuckeyeInOrlando's picture

At first, I thought this was a joke... but then I realized that we're talking about Mark Emmert here... totally believable.

Jelligrim's picture

Wow!  Emmert going all Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!

BuckeyeMark's picture

genius.  but so sad that such jokes can be made.

pjtobin's picture

Very funny Johnny. Thank you. 

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

Oldschoolbuck's picture

Does Samson still have eligibility?
He'd be a hell of a Mike linebacker.

saltybuck61's picture

With that hair and that strength, there is no way he wouldn't succeed on the field.

hit_the_couch's picture

Does that code come with mountain climbing elephants?

And then I told her...i'm no weatherman, but tonight's forecast is calling for several inches!

BeijingBucks's picture

All hail Marduk!
 
I have to admit I was alternately laughing and crying at the visuals and the grim reminder that this would be an upgrade to the current arbitrary nonsense. 

 

 

None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. ~ John Milton

WiliestBuckeye's picture

Wow! I never thought that the NCAA would actually adopt a system that would allow them to do their jobs, but this is actually a step in the right direction. It might be a bit too harsh, but it will be a breath of fresh air considering you can get away with murder under the current system. Its quite surprising that Mark Emmert would actually come out and compare student-athletes with slaves like that though, might not be the smartest move. The rest of it I like and is a major upgrade to the current system.
 
What?! Dude, Im typing here..
 
Oh, this was a joke? ......My mistake then, should of known better.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."