Good Riddance to the Horrible E. Gordon Gee

By DJ Byrnes on June 5, 2013 at 10:20a

On July 1st, 2013, Ohio State will finally rid itself of the greatest monster of the 21st century, the man Dave Zirin called "the dark heart of higher education" on national television: Elwood Gordon Gee. Good riddance, I say. Every day since word of the off-the-record comments were heroically leaked to the press during the doldrums of summer (thus maximizing its impact), I have awoken in the morning and immediately asked myself, "When will the Ohio State trustees alleviate this headache?"

Up until yesterday afternoon, my prayers had been ignored. 

Gordon Gee's most appalling crime was this hat.President Obama had a 9-11 mastermind right under his nose.

With Gordon Gee on the outs, buddy, let's just say I haven't been this jacked up since the United States got the drop on Osama bin Laden, sent a squad of trained goons into his house, vacated his skull and entombed that SOB's corpse in an unmarked grave at the bottom of the sea.

Does Gordon Gee deserve the same fate as Osama bin Laden? When I stand back and objectively look at the criticism laid at the feet of Ohio State's disgraced leader, it's a question which no longer seems ludicrous as it once did.

Ohio State fans may be inclined to write this abyssal chorus of naysayers off as "internet haterz," but they would be going against such sages as Rick Pitino, Pat Forde and Matt Hayes. I'm sure even Thomas Jefferson, who knew a thing or two about unchecked tyranny, would quake in his knickers at the prospect of a cage match against the aforementioned triumvirate of American intellectual muscle. 

When I first read the disgusting, dehumanizing comments Gordon Gee made against Catholics, I wondered who was going to stand up against this monstrous bully. It sure as Hell wasn't going to be the completely underfunded, not-for-profit Catholic Church. "Who will come to the aid of a voiceless organization like the Catholic Church against the bigoted President of an institution that made a Catholic the highest-paid state employee?" I asked my almighty God as I clutched my Rosaries while attempting to sleep at night.

On June 1st, the clouds parted, and from the sky, clad in gold armor and on a chariot of fire, rode Rick Pitino to answer my prayers. This upstanding Man of God socked Gee right in his smirking kisser, calling Gee a "pompous ass" and saying he was "really boiled" by the remarks. When Gee later apologized, Pitino questioned the sincerity of the apology and said "the board made him do it." Jesus would be so proud!

People say God works in mysterious ways, and what is more mysterious than sending a sociopathic serial adulterer who paid for his mistress' abortions to the defense of the Catholic Church? Part of me thinks Pitino's actions may have been more damaging to the Louisville/Catholic brands than Gee's flippant remarks, but I am not God, and unlike Rick Pitino, I would never claim to speak for Him. 

Please click the link below. Tommy Craggs absolutely destroys Forde, and it's hilarious.Pat Forde is an authority on laughingstocks.

Speaking of products of Pitino's sexual trysts, words can't express how jazzed I was to hear Pat freakin' Forde dropped the definitive hot take on Gordon Gee's shambolic retirement. I knew the voice of his generation wouldn't take these slights sitting down! Fightin' Forde starts his article off with a dynamite five(!) one-sentence paragraphs. He pulls no punches, however, and openly speculates Notre Dame is laughing at the demise of E. Gordon Gee, another act which would be very Christlike.

Notre Dame, one may recall, is the same institution that killed a student during a windy football practice in November of 2010. It's also a program that covered-up sexual assaults perpetrated by football players. One victim committed suicide and the other was too scared of retribution to testify against her attackers! Don't worry, though, because everyone involved is still employed! (Except the student videographer and the one victim of a sexual assault, those people are still dead and Notre Dame still plays football unmolested by the NCAA.)

Is this any concern to Forde? Hell no, because when you have two-ton brass boulders masquerading as testicles like Pat Forde, no contextualizing facts are of a concern to your self-righteous agenda. 

In many ways, Gee clearly was a successful university leader. The most obvious was his ability to fundraise, helping transform the Ohio State campus and several others he led. 

Time Magazine named him the nation's best college president in 2010. He certainly is among the nation's most visible.

Did these clear-cut reasons why Ohio State might have made Gee the highest-paid college president in the country stop Pat Forde from using Gee's past off-hand remarks as a vehicle for pushing his opinions against a college sports model where university presidents have too much sway? No, because Pat Forde spits the hot truth ether, no matter how ugly it may be:

And when it came to greedily chasing athletic revenue via corporate raiding of other conferences – to the detriment of the overall stability and health of college sports – many were willing partners with their ego-driven commissioners. Gee's comments to the Athletics Council championing a "predatory" approach to Big Ten expansion illustrate fully where he stood on that issue.

There's so much ownage in this quote I won't be surprised if Gordon Gee is forced to retire again later today. How dare Gordon Gee champion a "predatory" approach to Big Ten expansion! How dare he try to proactively navigate the seas of billions of dollars in network TV telecast money! How dare the president of a conference's flagship university advocate something benefiting the conference to which that university belongs! Why doesn't he advocate a passive approach to Big Ten expansion? That way the SEC and their cohorts can pick apart the B1G's corpse a few years down the road!

To what depths do the horrors of the Gee administration delve? Matt Hayes, Senior Writer at one of America's premiere investigational outlets, Sporting News, answered this question with the completely logical opinion Ohio State is "the most blindly loyal and recklessly protective culture in college sports." Move over, Jerry Sandusky, there's a new Sheriff in town!

Bert Beliema letting his breasts hang free after a long day at the office.Another classy critic of Gee's.
It was only a joke. It was just a lie. It was only a gold pants trinket.

The world is too sensitive, you know. Like no one has ever lied at their job. Like players shouldn’t be able to sell something given to them by the university.

And on and on and on.

Until, that is, someone in the most blindly loyal, recklessly protective culture of any college campus in America decides enough is enough. Then they just cut you loose and let you bleed.

Who amongst us can't remember what a blackeye it was for Ohio State when E. Gordon Gee delivered an impassioned defense of Terrelle Pryor's intrinsic right to sell memorabilia given to him by the university? I was on a 72-hour bender like Matt Hayes when this quote dropped. I'm not even sure if it totally happened, but the Hague should check it out because it sounds like Gordon Gee may have committed a war crime.

Also, is there any way we could get an identity on this "someone" who cut Gee loose to merely watch him bleed out? I would hate to see Ohio State go the route of many developing countries by replacing one bloodthirsty autocrat with another, and if this "someone" can pull strings on Gee like that, are we sure we've even begun to unravel the enormity of Ohio State's crimes?

Gee has been offending people and embarrassing the university for years. His latest insults of Notre Dame, Catholics, Louisville, Kentucky, the SEC, Bret Bielema—have I missed anyone?—finally did him in. Prior to that, he was the weird uncle who raised a ton of money, so the university put up with him.

Tressel had become so beloved and so successful at Ohio State, he was as untouchable as Woody Hayes. That’s right, the same Woody Hayes who wasn’t fired—despite legendary antics—until he was caught punching a player on national television.

Get 'em, Hayes! Of course, Jim Tressel, a man who was unceremoniously fired was as untouchable as Woody Hayes, another man who was unceremoniously fired and "caught" slugging a Clemson player on national television. What shining examples of unchecked power run rampant in college sports: two dudes who were fired for their misdeeds! 

I feel like this piece is heading to its thunderous conclusion.

Go ahead and make fun of the guy who killed trees in Alabama. Or the Tennessee fans who named their kids Peyton.

No one does crazy like Ohio State.

More than 16 months ago, Ohio State welcomed new coach Urban Meyer with open arms, despite the odd and controversial way he walked away from another mega program. Blind loyalty, all right.

Makes you wonder what Meyer will have to do to eventually get run.

Ohio State fans shouldn't dare make fun of a man who poisoned a grove of trees due to a backwater college football rivalry, no sir; not when their school employs E. Gordon Gee, a man who kills actual people. They also shouldn't make fun of the President of the University of Alabama's defense of racial segregation... because what Gee said was a joke, whereas Robert Witt was speaking from his gentile heart. It's that Southern sincerity us Northerners know nothing about.

I will admit, as an Ohio State fan, I was foolish in welcoming Urban Meyer with open arms. Here I thought Ohio State was getting a young, energetic, charismatic coach with two glistening national title rings. It turns out it was much darker than that. Will Urban have to sacrifice a virgin in the bowels of Ohio Stadium to gain acceptance into the tight-lipped crime family running rampant at Ohio State? Only time will tell.

... However, I digress. When all this criticism of Gordon Gee is added-up, who can't be awestruck by the deep critical thinking required to amass such a sweeping indictment? I forget which lead singer of what bitchin' 80's rock band once said, "let he without sin cast the first stone," but it's pertinent here. After researching the dastardly crime of of Gordon Gee and seeing what luminaries have lined up against his dark sorcery, I have no choice but to volunteer to cast the first stone against him and rid Ohio State of this billion dollar embarrassment. 

I am a simple-minded hypocrite, you see, and I am incapable getting out of the way of my own self-righteousness and preconceived opinions. That's why E. Gordon Gee had to be shown the door.

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