Masquerade Football

By Sarah on October 29, 2012 at 3:00p

With Halloween two days away, 'tis the season for frights and costumes1, a description that could also apply to college football. Last week, when Braxton Miller left the game with a neck injury, Ohio State fans and even more so, Braxton himself, were immediately alarmed. 

H/T to 11W alum Luke Zimmermann for the scary good Photoshopping work. Defenses, whatever you do, don't fall asleep. 

Thanks to a quality backup quarterback and a quick recovery from Miller, it ended up not being a serious threat, like the cliche of a cat jumping out during a suspenseful moment in a scary movie. 

This weekend, other teams weren't as lucky. When Denard Robinson's nerve injury forced him out of the game against Nebraska, Michigan had to rely on freshman Russell Bellomy, who proved about as useful as trying to escape a killer by running up the stairs. 

While victors over Tennessee, South Carolina lost its star running back Marcus Lattimore, who suffered a knee dislocation and damaged ligaments, an injury akin to a gruesome scene in any of the 33 Saw movies. 

After the Michigan State game a month ago, Urban Meyer made his quarterback sound like a villain in a horror film franchise, saying, "He's banged up, he's banged up, and he just kept coming back." 

To opponents, Braxton Miller is as nightmarish as Freddy Krueger. Whenever they think they have him beat, he returns to terrorize again. The QB did just that against Penn State on Saturday, rebounding from both his sore neck and a shaky start to gash the Nittany Lion defense for 277 yards and three touchdowns. He currently leads the Big Ten in rushing (121.4 yards/game) and total offense (291.1 yards/game). 

But Miller isn't the only Buckeye or member of the college football world who could fittingly pay tribute to a movie character this Halloween. 

Urban Frank Meyer as Dr. Frankenstein

Last season, Ohio State's moribund offense finished the year ranked 107th in the nation. In 13 games, they averaged 317.9 yards and scored 39 touchdowns. 

It's pronounced "Fronkensteen."Look! It's moving. It's alive. IT'S ALIVE!

So far this season, the Buckeye offense is ranked 45th and through nine games, averages 431.78 yards and has accounted for 48 touchdowns.

In recent weeks, players other than Miller have emerged to make the offense less of a one-man wrecking crew. Carlos Hyde has become a reliable complement to his quarterback in the running game and while Philly Brown and Devin Smith are the main threats in the passing game, different guys have stepped up the past two weeks.

Against Purdue, Chris Fields and Jeff Heuerman came alive for the Buckeyes. Against Penn State, Jake Stoneburner, Evan Spencer, and Nick Vannett were the receiving targets.

Much of the credit for the improvement can be attributed to Urban Meyer and his offensive coordinator, Tom Herman. They were able to assemble the pieces to create an offense with a pulse and one that, particularly on the ground, can be a monster.

Bradley Roby as Dick Halloran

Opposing quarterbacks must think that Bradley Roby has the "shining." He leads the country in passes defended with 18, which includes 16 pass breakups and two interceptions2.

His telepathic ability appears to border on psychic given his premonition before the Nebraska game. Just as the "shining" ran in the Halloran family, both Roby and his father dreamt that he'd get a pick-six that Saturday. Afterward, he said about the win, "Tonight we saw the sun."

Because of the excellent season the Thorpe Award semifinalist has put together, some fans are worried that Roby, a redshirt sophomore, will declare early for the NFL Draft. Unfortunately, we do not have the powers to see into the future or read his mind, and The Shining itself does not give us any clues. In the book, Dick was around for the final scene; in the movie, he wasn't.

Russell Bellomy as Catherine Tramell

Although a thriller and not a horror movie, Bellomy's affinity for picks seems to rival Catherine's in Basic Instinct3. He threw as many interceptions (3) as he threw completions (3/16) versus Nebraska. The Wolverine offense after Denard left was a frightening sight for Michigan fans:

Michigan had 44 yards of offense with Bellomy at quarterback and until one drive in the fourth quarter where the Wolverines already trailed 23-9 they had one -- one -- yard of offense under Bellomy.

Luckily for them, Brady "The Blob" Hoke was optimistic about Denard's status for next Saturday. 

Nebraska Players as Children of the Corn

If you watched any of the Michigan-Nebraska game, you saw numerous images of corn and cornfields. Considering Nebraska is now in the driver's seat in the Legends Division and for a potential trip to the Rose Bowl, Taylor Martinez and company could be doing the bidding of "He Who Walks Behind the Rows", an angry, red-eyed demon also known as Bo Pelini. 

Bret Bielema as Pinhead

It's pretty much guaranteed that Bielema has referred to himself as "Hellraiser" while others have called him "Pinhead" many, many times. Even more certain is that he's attempted to pick up ladies by telling them, "I have such sights to show you!" before dropping trou.

Both Saban and Leprechaun have said, "Tell me or I'll bite your ear off, and I'll make a boot out of it", though Saban used much saltier language.I need me gold!

Nick Saban as Leprechaun

There have been six Leprechaun movies, nearly matching the number of head coaching jobs that Nick Saban has held. Always on the search for his gold, Saban is currently the highest-paid coach in college football.

Also, he is a wee little lad.

Will Muschamp as Norman Bates

"We all go a little mad sometimes."

Collin Klein as Leatherface

Heisman front-runner QB Collin Klein helped Kansas State, the second-ranked team in the BCS, take care of Texas Tech this past Saturday. Last month, they beat North Texas and after a matchup with Oklahoma State this weekend, the Wildcats will close out their season with three more teams from the Longhorn State: TCU, Baylor, and Texas.

So in order to take home that Heisman Trophy and lead Kansas State to a BCS title game, Klein will have to continue his Texas football massacre. 

The Fighting Irish as Father Damien Karras

Coming off a win over Oklahoma, Notre Dame is 8-0 and trying to exorcise demons of irrelevant years past. While most of college football fans projectile vomit over "Notre Dame is back!" talk, the Irish are currently ranked third in the BCS standings and fourth in the AP and Coaches polls and have a shot at a national championship if they remain unbeaten.

But even if they succeed at being considered a dangerous team again, most likely, Notre Dame's title hopes won't survive the end of this season.  

  • 1 The Bobby Petrino costume got internet laughs, but dressing up as Jerry Sandusky? Don't do it. 
  • 2 Roby sat out the UAB game with an injury, so he's put up those numbers in eight games, not nine. 
  • 3 Let's not speculate on whether he wears underwear, though. 

Comments Show All Comments

avail31678's picture

Awesome picture and footnote.  Awesome. 
Edit: Referring to the Braxty Kreuger photo. 

MaliBuckeye's picture

Gerd pointed out "He Who Walks Behind The Rows" on Saturday...

"Sarcastically, I'm in charge."


Sterling's picture

Coach Warriner as Dr. Fronk-en-steen.  Because he took a dead O-line and made them dance.
It's alive!
"Puttin' on da reeeeetz!"

AltaBuck's picture

Loved the scene in that film with Gene Hackman and the hot soup

I am Groot - Groot

bodast67's picture

I think you meant Gene Wilder...
but yes, great scene !




     " I hope when I die, I die laughing"...                

AltaBuck's picture

It took me awhile after seeing the movie a few times. Saw it in the credits. The old blind guy that keeps pouring hot soup on the monster's crotch is Gene Hackman.

I am Groot - Groot

gwalther's picture


Class of 2008

spqr2008's picture

^I wish I could upvote this about a thousand times.  Probably going to watch that movie tommorrow night.

Sterling's picture

Ha, thanks - there is no wrong time to watch that movie.  Although don't forget - the men's BBall team has an exhibition game tomorrow night.  I'm interested to see how the Amir Williamses and LaQuinton Rosses of the world are coming along.  
does anyone else hear "LaQuinta!" in their head every time they see LaQuinton Ross?  no?  just me?  nevermind...

Alhan's picture

Re: your name and avatar..."Just the tip"

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

jestertcf's picture

No Cyril when their dead, their just hookers!

~Because we couldn't go for three~

Sterling's picture

"I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass."

gwalther's picture


Class of 2008

Alhan's picture

...and THAT'S how you get ants!

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

jestertcf's picture

seriously call Kenny Loggins cause you're in the DANGER ZONE!!

~Because we couldn't go for three~

fansince1968's picture

Impressive Sarah. Great read.

AltaBuck's picture

REDRUM Roby...don't venture to his side of the field or he'll murder you and he doesn't need an axe.

I am Groot - Groot

Doc's picture

Thanks for a mid afternoon laugh Sarah.

CJDPHoS Member

The Official DDS of 11W

timdogdad's picture

according to the stats, braxton needs 6 more yards for 5000 rushing and passing combined. and 6 more td's to reach 50.    gaudy, doing work,  racking em up,   maybe it's time to change his #5 to s for sick.   plus add in humble, tough, a gamer, developing leader and climbing the alltime favorite buckeye chart.   how does career  10,000 yards and 100 td's sound folks?

Bucksfan's picture

One, two...Braxton's comin' for you....

chitown buckeye's picture

3,4...he's gonna score

"I'm having a heart attack!"

southernstatesbuckeye's picture

Five, six...his run'll be sick!

I like cookies.

johnblairgobucks's picture

7,8.........heisman canidate

BeijingBucks's picture

9,10... stutter steppin'

None can love freedom heartily, but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license. ~ John Milton

RBuck's picture

Good job. Upvotes for all.

Long live the southend.

johnblairgobucks's picture

Could Charlie Weis pass as Chet from "Weird Science"?

Poison nuts's picture

You're stewed buttwad.

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

xtremebuckeye's picture

9,10  he does it again

O H I O is the Buckeye State

Torpedo Vegas's picture

I don't know if I can convey just how glad I am that "a cat jumping out" was a link to that particular Community scene. Donald Glover's line delivery is as sublime as a Braxton Miller juke. 

One Bad Buckeye's picture

How I want SCUM to feel going into the fourth quarter of "The Game"

"I'm One Bad Buckeye, and I approve this message."

osubuckeye4life's picture

If they pull off the annexation of Puerto Rico heads will roll! 

Poison nuts's picture

I feel like a big jerk doing this - but Nebraska is in the Legends division I believe....
God I love that Muschamp gif.

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

RBuck's picture

In the book, Dick was around for the final scene; in the movie, he wasn't.

Not a good Omen.

Long live the southend.

causeicouldntgo43's picture

Funny, topical, and intelligently written Sarah. If you were Lee Corso's head writer he would be watchable again......

osubuckeye4life's picture

Even more proof Meyer is Dr. Frankenstein. Look at the patch work being done on this team with all the injuries. He's a mad scientist piecing the parts together for his monster. 
The other ones are pretty good though. I know what you were thinking with the Bielema one and it is very funny.
I hate to be "that guy" but, strictly as a "horror character" Bielema is not ruthless enough to be Pinhead.
I would say he is the Stay Puff Marshmellow Man.