Goofus and Gallant and the NCAA

By Johnny Ginter on May 21, 2012 at 1:00p
27 Comments
from lucascomedy.com

Last week we once again discovered that Ohio State is the Mos Eisley Cantina that detractors have always said it is, as the dread pirate Gene Smith and E"vil" Gordon Gee admitted to the NCAA that 46 secondary violations had taken place across 21 different sports. That's a lot of violations, and certainly not what we've come to expect from the fine, upstanding institutions associated with the heartland. What would our mothers say about this? For shame.

Still, the most important part of making mistakes is learning from them. Ohio State could just go on and keep being the same ol' troublemakers that we've always been, OR, having done a fair bit of corn and gumption fueled introspection, we could change ourselves for the better. Transform our collective grandma-shaming Goofuses into graduate-level Gallants, so to speak.

So that's why today I'd like to use real, actual examples from the 300+ page document that explained in excruciating detail the egregious wrongs committed by the Ohio State athletic department, and show you just how all this unpleasantness could've been avoided. Hopefully it'll be a learning experience for us, the fans, and for any coaches or administrators who happen to be reading today.

Because after all: winners never cheat, and cheaters give impermissible benefits to potential recruits including expenses of 61 dollars rather than the 60 that is allowed.

PROBLEM 1

During a lacrosse summer camp, one of the teenaged campers lost their lacrosse stick on their way to lunch and doesn't have one of their own to replace it! Oh no!

Goofus notices the student looking forlorn, and offers a replacement stick to help demonstrate leadership and trust. The student happily accepts the offer, and the camp goes on unimpeded.

But wait! Gallant understands that providing a recruiting-age camper a new stick is a violation of NCAA bylaws 13.2.1 and 13.2.1.1, and correctly denies the camper the equipment needed to participate. To further ensure that there's no potential culpability or possible misinterpretation of the camper/university relationship, Gallant repeatedly tells the camper that he "sucks," "is a giant baby idiot," and continues to taunt and mock him until his mother comes and picks him up. Gallant refrains from hitting on the camper's mother because this is not a Wisconsin football sponsored event.

PROBLEM 2

Great job, kids!

Before the big game, a football recruit spies a college coach and waves a hearty "Hello!" to him. Uh oh!

Goofus nods and says "Good luck," before walking by and attending to other business.

Tsk tsk. Gallant sees this and shakes his head, because his headstrong friend has just violated NCAA rules by communicating with a recruit on the day of competition. Instead of making such a horrible breach of NCAA etiquette, Gallant rightly ignores all overtures from recruit and quietly asks the recruit's coach to bench him for the entirety of the game. Later in the parking lot, when the recruit is suffering a severe allergic reaction to a bee sting, Gallant reminds himself of NCAA bylaw 13.1.6.2 and puts away his EpiPen as he walks briskly by. Way to avoid possible impermissible contact, Gallant!

PROBLEM 3

During a recruiting visit, a recruit wants to go to a Halloween party, but doesn't have a costume. He doesn't think this is a problem, as he'll just use his allotted entertainment money to buy one. His host athlete is conflicted.

Goofus goes ahead and spends 8 dollars from the entertainment stipend on a cheap costume for the recruit. They go to the party and have fun.

Gallant knows better. Even though he does allow the recruit to use the entertainment stipend to buy the costume, Gallant knows that NCAA bylaw 13.6.7.5 allows for covering the cost of entertaining a recruit, but not buying them mementos. Therefore immediately after buying the polystyrene Spongebob costume, Gallant forces the recruit to eat it, counting it as a meal rather than a souvenir. The pair continue on to the party where Gallant makes sure that the recruit has a miserable time, knocking beverages out of his hand and telling every girl that the recruit talks to about said recruit's "stank farts" in the car. The recruit later dies of an intestinal blockage. Well done!

PROBLEM 4

The women's volleyball team is hungry at an away game and there's no meal service. Their coaches are considering giving each player 10 dollars to go out and eat something so they aren't hungry.

Goofus gives each player 10 dollars. The players then buy food, which they then eat. They are no longer hungry.

Gallant, having read NCAA bylaw 16.5.2 (d)(3), understands that money cannot be given in lieu of meals before a game, even if there is no food service. This comforts Gallant as he watches his team of gaunt and spindly-legged volleyball players wince their way through a bus ride. Halfway through the trip Gallant the other coaches leave the players on the bus as they go eat; when they return they then stand in front of the team, rubbing their tummies and loudly proclaiming how those ribs from Applebees were "soooooo good!"

PROBLEM 5

The family of a recruit is unsure how to enter the stadium to watch a scrimmage. They send a text message to a coach, asking how they can get in. Oh brother!

Foolishly, Goofus answers the request by giving brief instructions on how to enter the stadium. The family enters the stadium and watches the scrimmage.

Angrily turning off his phone, Gallant makes sure that not only will he never get another text message about stadium entrances from players' parents, but that he'll never have to interact with anyone outside of NCAA-approved football personalities ever again by throwing his phone into the nearest lake/river. Thank goodness for NCAA bylaw 13.4.1.2! The recruits' family becomes lost, but Gallant and the rest of the universities' employees correctly refrain from any kind of contact not permitted by the NCAA. When the family finally escapes from the drug cartel that kidnapped them as they looked in vain for the stadium entrance, they'll be happy to know that an NCAA-approved e-mail has informed them that they can enter through Gate 15 on the west side of the stadium.

I think we all learned a little something today, especially all of those college sports Goofuses out there. Hopefully in time Ohio State staff and administration will one day learn to suppress those feelings of basic human decency and fairness, and start doing things the NCAA way. Because it's the only way to be!

27 Comments

Comments

BuckeyeW's picture

more 11W Goofus and Gallant, please!

Doc's picture

Agreed!

"Say my name."

RC's picture

This may just be the greatest thing...ever!

joel121270's picture

In some wierd way I feel as if I violated an NCAA rule by reading this article. I have no affiliation with the school outside of my fandom yet because this is an OSU fan site I think we HAD to have violated a bylaw in some way, shape, or fashion. (Sarcasrm).
 
Just Sayin

Ethos's picture

you are probably right.  We should report ourselves.  Contact the school and tell them how many members we have and that each person committed one secondary violation. So what is that?  A few thousand?  Meh.

"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.

TheHumbleBuckeye's picture

Aside from Ramzy's "Man Who Wasn't There" - which had a much more serious tone - this is THE GREATEST 11W POST OF ALL FRIGGIN TIME!
Bravo Johnny!

tennbuckeye19's picture

Great write up. I agree, we need more Goofus and Gallant on 11W in the future.
I went through the entire pdf from the Plain Dealer and read/skimmed through it. In total the only seemingly "major" violation was one we already knew about involving Bobby DeGeronimo and players getting overpaid for work performed for his landscaping business (and DeVier Posey getting treated to a round of golf by Dennis Talbot). The rest of the violations were such petty things. And its not like the NCAA came in and found these or they were uncovered, these were all self-reported by OSU. I would be curious to see what violations other schools are self-reporting and see how they compare with what OSU has reported.

timdogdad's picture

love it!  the rules are so absurd it's comical.   here's a job i want after spending thousands on a degree: creating these rulings by mulling over them for hours in meetings..   "now if coach smith buys a recruit a .50 cent pack of gum that's ok but not those packs of 1.25 each- that will be a violation..."    

BrewstersMillions's picture

Props to the kid in the second picture for not punching Gallant in the face. Some kid runs up to me with that look and his finger in the air and he's eating gravel for recess....

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

Baroclinicity's picture

Retro rage.

When you're holding a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Good thing I'm not officially connected to the university for I would side with Goofus pretty much 100% of the time!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

hodge's picture

+ infinite, Johnny.

spqr2008's picture

We should all report to the NCAA violation camp, where all Buckeye fans must go for Remedial Rules education.  That must be where all the money the NCAA makes goes, because they're a non-profit, right?

Oakland Buckeye's picture

I do not miss an article on the site - BEST READ EVER!
There are 41 more "violations" left Johnny!.....

Run_Fido_Run's picture

Bravo, Johnny! Very funny, but painfully true.  
Gallant reminds us of a famous dialogue in The Life of Johnson (1791), by James Boswell:

Johnson: Mason's a Whig.
Mrs. Knowles: (not hearing him distinctly): What! a Prig, Sir?
Johnson: Worse, Madam; a Whig! But he is both.

pcon258's picture

nicely done johnny. i think this appropriately describes the outrageousness of the NCAA. if only espn commenters could read this and still claim that "o$u is getting away with another slap on the wrist." seriously, those people are insane, makes me appreciate this site infinitely more

timdogdad's picture

wait, i have a career change. instead of sitting in countless hours of meetings deciding on worthless rules about small dollars and cents(or sense),  i would rather take 46 miniscule violations and write journalistic garbage proclaming a university sports program is so morally bankrupt that is should close down. and then  lots of people with not so sound thinking will read my pied piper followings....    

southbymidwest's picture

My favorite violation, other than Vrabel using chew, was the the women's hockey program spending $4 too much to get five jerseys jerseys framed.

tankman's picture

Agree these are all stupid.  However, what Gene Smith did is not!!  Of all people who should know the rules, he doesn't.  Gene himself should know, the freakin AD cannot make promo videos to recruits!!

tennbuckeye19's picture

I remember watching that video they made for Ezekiel Elliot and thinking it was a little suspicious, but then I thought, well Gene Smith is in the video so it must be okay to make a video and put a recruit's name in it and play it for him on his visit. But as we all know now, it wasn't "okay" per NCAA rules. While I think the rule is dumb, Gene should've known that you can't make a video like that for a recruit.

ShadyBuckeye's picture

well the NCAA laws are no more bogus than some of the ones the United States has. Read on yahoo last week there is a newly passed law (in new jersey?) that u can no longer walk and text.... in my apartment complex cars get towed if you back (reverse) into a parking space. In Las Angelas it is illegal to bathe 2 babies in the same tub at the same time (lol)... since there was a halloween costume reference in this article: another california law: no persons shall wear a mask or disguise on a public street without a permit from the sheriff. In colorado, using rain barrels or buckets or any other method for catching rain is illegal as the rain has been legally allocated to the state! In a small city in Iowa it is illegal to "wink" at any woman with who you are "unaquianted with". I could write about 100 additional ridiculous laws but I think ur starting to get the picture.

BuckeyeW's picture

but most of those are never enforced.

ShadyBuckeye's picture

How do you know? lol. I could be mistakened but arent most of the 46 violations occurred by the OSU athletic department self-reported? Im pretty sure the NCAA doesnt dispatch an agent at every high school football game attended by every college coach and assistent in the country to listen and see if Urban tells a recruit "good luck." Im also pretty sure the NCAA doesnt have access to every single text message that is sent between the aforementioned coaches/assistants to all of the recruits and their families. OSU HAS to report them, if they are aware of a violation and keep it secret then it becomes something major. so they are not enforced either but they basically tell on themselves. the only difference is regular citizens dont call the police and say "hey I bathed 2 babies in the tub at the same time" or "excuse me officer, i was walking down the street wearing a mask and texting the entire time."

Oakland Buckeye's picture

thanks for ruining  great article Shady

ShadyBuckeye's picture

How did I ruin the article? Its not like Johnny Ginter developed writers block and allowed me to finish the rest of his story. I was just trying to be funny, I usually only succeed about the same number of times Joe Bauserman completes a pass (about 46%) so give me a break eh? Maybe 11W should implement a voting "up" or "down" system for comments so all 4 of ours can dissapear... OR u could just simply ignore it if you dont like something I have to say. You know, if ur offended by something on TV, JUST TURN THE STATION! No need to file a lawsuit, stage a protest, go rioting, etc.

Johnny Ginter's picture

lol i don't think shady ruined anything, if anything those laws just reinforce my point about the NCAA rules system being completely ridiculous

lamplighter's picture

regarding the Byzatine NCAA (with apolgies to Bzantines everywhere)
Credo quia absurdum
I think that this is okay, but I had two too many beers after work tonight