Last week the University of Michigan held their spring game, which was attended probably by a dead dog, a busload of AARP members seeking one last keyring jangle before their kidneys explode (and not the sexy kind of keyring jangle), and Lloyd Carr staring angrily into space from his wicker chair perched upon a hill made up of baby teeth stolen from kids with the last name of "Landry."
Anyway, they played, did things, looked like a bunch of idiots out there... you know, Michigan stuff. Afterwards several of the key players in that hated program restricted their roll enough to sit down with reporters and desperately try to string enough words together so that they would eventually form a "sentence," which would then be extrapolated into "thoughts" or "ideas." MGoBlog documented this little tete a tete with the media, but frankly I find their account to be mostly inaccurate compared to my own, completely made up notes. Judge for yourself.
BRADY HOKE, HEAD COACH
Q: What were some of the encouraging things?
A: "Well, we didn't literally soil ourselves running out on to the field. We've had accidents before, and, well... let's just say it's a plus for us right now."
Q: Was the plan to not have Denard really break a sweat today?
A: "Oh, he sweated. That sickly, horrible sheen that causes an odor most foul to emerge from his nether regions most certainly did transpire. But after warmups we remembered that he is basically the Peyton Manning of this team and as a result we hog tied him to the bench and tried not to think about how crappy the offense looks without him. Do you know who Russel Bellomy is? Yeah, neither do we, but we put him in anyway."
Q: What did you think about the receivers this spring? Progress of the young guys?
A: Angry stare.
Q: No, seriously though.
A: Angry, sweaty, stare.
Q: What did you mean when you said the defense didn’t have a better day overall?
A: "We're too soft in the middle, which is something that I'm bit of an expert on myself. Look, I know what you're trying to do here, you want the defense to continue to be the Hellen Keller to Mattison's Anne Sullivan. Well, it might happen, it might not. Probably not. Look, I don't know. Better than Rich Rod, okay? That's all you need to know."
Q: If you were to name a No. 2 quarterback today, who would it be?
A: "Probably literally the only other QB on this team you've ever heard of."
Q: Now that you have a couple months off, how key is it for the leaders to continue leading the team?
A: "Well I would say that it is very important for the leaders to lead the team, because if they stop leading then they're no longer leaders, and then the team finds new leaders who will probably take them to Pleasure Island to get eaten by a whale or something."
"Anway, that's all the time I have to answer your inane questions in an equally inane fashion, here's Denard Robinson to waste another 20 minutes of your time."
DENARD ROBINSON, STARTING QB, ADORABLE
Q: Hoke said you broke a sweat in warmups.
A: "I sure did, in fact I broke several sweats and also let loose some farts. I'll keep you updated on all future bodily functions."
Q: Were you frustrated at all you didn’t get a chance to play during the scrimmage?
A: "No, because my backups pretty much just gave me carte blanche to throw three picks a game."
Q: What are the biggest gains you’ve made this spring?
A: "Well, coach Borges told me to 'get into the fight,' which means a lot of moving around in the pocket and exposing myself and getting under the rush, which is what I'm sure Michigan fans are excited to hear coming from an oft-injured QB who is roughly the size of the youngest child of a Smurf and hummingbird."
Q: Have you done much thinking about Alabama?
A: "Does a guy on death row think much about the chair? Do I think too much about my cell phone when I might've left it at a girl's house? Next question."
Q: Devin struggled today. What do you think he needs to do in order to make that next step as a quarterback?
A: "Well, be me, for one. Also do less stupid things. Since neither of those things seem to be too likely, we're going to have to hope for either a miracle or for him to undergo extensive surgery and then have some kind of weird hyper extended arm that that kid in Rookie of the Year. In any event, I've gotta go, the streets are calling my name and Spongebob is on at 6. Peace."
And with that, the two biggest icons of Michigan football today left the podium, reporters standing in their wake.