Michigan Men Speak

By Johnny Ginter on April 16, 2012 at 1:55p
53 Comments
And I said, what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Last week the University of Michigan held their spring game, which was attended probably by a dead dog, a busload of AARP members seeking one last keyring jangle before their kidneys explode (and not the sexy kind of keyring jangle), and Lloyd Carr staring angrily into space from his wicker chair perched upon a hill made up of baby teeth stolen from kids with the last name of "Landry."

Anyway, they played, did things, looked like a bunch of idiots out there... you know, Michigan stuff. Afterwards several of the key players in that hated program restricted their roll enough to sit down with reporters and desperately try to string enough words together so that they would eventually form a "sentence," which would then be extrapolated into "thoughts" or "ideas." MGoBlog documented this little tete a tete with the media, but frankly I find their account to be mostly inaccurate compared to my own, completely made up notes. Judge for yourself.

BRADY HOKE, HEAD COACH

Q: What were some of the encouraging things?

A: "Well, we didn't literally soil ourselves running out on to the field. We've had accidents before, and, well... let's just say it's a plus for us right now."

Q: Was the plan to not have Denard really break a sweat today?

A: "Oh, he sweated. That sickly, horrible sheen that causes an odor most foul to emerge from his nether regions most certainly did transpire. But after warmups we remembered that he is basically the Peyton Manning of this team and as a result we hog tied him to the bench and tried not to think about how crappy the offense looks without him. Do you know who Russel Bellomy is? Yeah, neither do we, but we put him in anyway."

Q: What did you think about the receivers this spring? Progress of the young guys?

A: Angry stare.

Q: No, seriously though.

A: Angry, sweaty, stare.

Q: What did you mean when you said the defense didn’t have a better day overall?

A: "We're too soft in the middle, which is something that I'm bit of an expert on myself. Look, I know what you're trying to do here, you want the defense to continue to be the Hellen Keller to Mattison's Anne Sullivan. Well, it might happen, it might not. Probably not. Look, I don't know. Better than Rich Rod, okay? That's all you need to know."

Q: If you were to name a No. 2 quarterback today, who would it be?

A: "Probably literally the only other QB on this team you've ever heard of."

Q: Now that you have a couple months off, how key is it for the leaders to continue leading the team?

A: "Well I would say that it is very important for the leaders to lead the team, because if they stop leading then they're no longer leaders, and then the team finds new leaders who will probably take them to Pleasure Island to get eaten by a whale or something."

"Anway, that's all the time I have to answer your inane questions in an equally inane fashion, here's Denard Robinson to waste another 20 minutes of your time."

DENARD ROBINSON, STARTING QB, ADORABLE

AWWWWWW

Q: Hoke said you broke a sweat in warmups.

A: "I sure did, in fact I broke several sweats and also let loose some farts. I'll keep you updated on all future bodily functions."

Q: Were you frustrated at all you didn’t get a chance to play during the scrimmage?

A: "No, because my backups pretty much just gave me carte blanche to throw three picks a game."

Q: What are the biggest gains you’ve made this spring?

A: "Well, coach Borges told me to 'get into the fight,' which means a lot of moving around in the pocket and exposing myself and getting under the rush, which is what I'm sure Michigan fans are excited to hear coming from an oft-injured QB who is roughly the size of the youngest child of a Smurf and hummingbird."

Q: Have you done much thinking about Alabama?

A: "Does a guy on death row think much about the chair? Do I think too much about my cell phone when I might've left it at a girl's house? Next question."

Q: Devin struggled today. What do you think he needs to do in order to make that next step as a quarterback?

A: "Well, be me, for one. Also do less stupid things. Since neither of those things seem to be too likely, we're going to have to hope for either a miracle or for him to undergo extensive surgery and then have some kind of weird hyper extended arm that that kid in Rookie of the Year. In any event, I've gotta go, the streets are calling my name and Spongebob is on at 6. Peace."

And with that, the two biggest icons of Michigan football today left the podium, reporters standing in their wake.

53 Comments

Comments

BrewstersMillions's picture

This is blogging gold. Comedic gold. Heck, it might be actual gold-able to be sold at a premium-per-ounce.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

Ethos's picture

x1000000

"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.

M Man's picture

Okay the cellphone joke was funny.  I'm just guessing you guys don't have half as much fun with IU press conference transcripts.

buck-I.8's picture

Johnny, rewrite it. M Man doesnt like it, and he's clearly the target audience

buckeye76BHop's picture

Too funny!  Was laughing so hard by the time I got to the Adorable pic... then I almost soiled my self after reading his answers!

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
"I love football. I think it is most wonderful game in world and I despise to lose."
Woody Hayes 1913 - 1987 

JasonBuck's picture

This was hilirious...I needed it to make it through the rest of my work day!  Thanks 11W!  Although I would have made a comedic reference to the Denard comment when he referenced "eating" (yes sadly I read the actual transcript of the press conference)

tampa buckeye's picture

Who gives a shit about michigan Spoon is gone, major bummer.

snoodogg22's picture

Spoon wouldn't of saw the court next year either, he has no shot!

Tough times never last, tough people do

JakeBuckeye's picture

WE MUST STOP ALL OTHER PRESS

A THIRD TEAM BASKETBALL PLAYER HAS TRANSFERRED

tampa buckeye's picture

Spoon would have been a solid player if he got some mins. Did you see what Walter Olfutt  Did in the tourney for Ohio?  Just Thad being Thad.  

William's picture

How long did it take walter Offut to turn into a reliable/decent player on a MAC team? 3 years? Point proven.

BTBuckeye's picture

Only 25,000 people showed up for the UM spring game. So weak.

carton's picture

and admission was free of charge.

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

there were 110,000 there but it only sounded like 25,000. aka, the usual ;)

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

BuckeyeLurker0509's picture

I'm from Michigan.

The Red Wings were on at 12. That definitely takes precedence in Michigan.

I dont blame them one bit.

cbusbuckeye's picture

Hockey over Football? Never. Never ever. I would rather watch a Pop Warner game than a hockey...match

Buckeyeneer's picture

Come on, man. The Blue Jackets are a very good . . . er . . . above average . . . um. . . . mediocre . . . sigh . . .  turrible team. Nevermind, carry on.

"Because the rules won't let you go for three." - Woody Hayes
THE Ohio State University

William's picture

Cannot believe they don't even have a shot at Yakupov now. How do the Oilers get the 1st overall pick 3 years in a row? NHL Lottery is rigged.

cbusbuckeye's picture

I gave up on the jackets a long time ago, every year they find a new way to be mediocre. How Nash has stayed this long is beyond me.

Colin's picture

I would never put hockey above OSU football but in general the Stanely Cup playoffs in my opinion are above everything except the Superbowl and March Madness when it comes to excitement...  If people in Columbus think all hockey is like a Blue Jackets' game they are really missing out.

DMcDougal24's picture

Don't think I didn't see the initial heading for Brady Hoke, 11w.. I wish it was still there though.

carence's picture

Johnny, That was freaking hilarious! You had me in tears. You are on your way!

Irricoir's picture

Any news on how they looked - the humor? Just curious. I guess I could google it to see if it is posted anywhere, just thought you might have some inside information.

I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.

NC_Buckeye's picture

Seeing that smile makes me want to call Hankins and Simon and remind them about Nard's "eating cereal" theatrics. Here's hoping a couple of those teeth are missing come Nov. 25th.

FortMeyer's picture

Oh yes, the feeding/hungry scenario after a score by Denardo. Very impressive and can't wait to never see it again. Break the spoon off in his ass, dline.

Johnny Ginter's picture

glad you liked it guys, i'll have to write more articles on zero hours of sleep more often

Buckeyevstheworld's picture

"Anyway, they played, did things, looked like a bunch of idiots out there... you know, Michigan stuff."

I enjoyed that more than I should have. lol

"YOLO" = I'm about to do something extremely ignorant/stupid & I need an excuse to do it.

buckz4evr's picture

Sorry Hail, M Man and Rational, but it was funny.

Phoenix824's picture

That was great.   I almost pee'd my pants at this answer.

"No, because my backups pretty much just gave me carte blanche to throw three picks a game."

 

CowCat's picture

"I've gotta go, the streets are calling my name and Spongebob is on at 6. Peace"

Words to live by!

"We get paid to score touchdowns, not kick field goals"
-- Urban Meyer

xtremebuckeye's picture

Well done Jonny

 

O H I O is the Buckeye State

JakeBuckeye's picture

*While we're on the topic of Michigan

The thing I want to see most next season is to have John Simon or somebody sack and/or obliterate Denard on one of the first defensive stances of the Michigan game and do that "hungry" "eating" celebration Denard loves to do right in his face. That would be 100% worth the 15 yards. Denard seems like a good kid and I don't like to hate on him, but that was obnoxious as hell last year.

EDIT: Didn't realize you guys were already talking about the same thing above ^

USMCBUCKEYE82's picture

I would pay to see that.

William's picture

I'd like to see someone pancake Pipkins so badly that there would be an imprint of his asscheeks in the turf at the 'Shoe. That guy has done nothing but talk shit since he committed and he's yet to even dress for Michigan. Also seeing Kalis get manhandled by Simon or Hankins would be a plus. 

michaec5's picture

I would like to see Shazier strip the ball out of his hands again, or maybe he does the stupid scramble of Taylor Martinez and stops only to be introduced/demolished by Bradly Roby, so sad they didn't show that in the game highlights and I can't find footage of it anywhere...I think I jumped up and down screaming SILVER BULLET!!!!! at the top of my lungs, with a diminishing chant of don't get up, don't get up...pointed towards Taylor Martinez. (disclaimer i wish no bodily injury on anyone, but hey if your dumb enough to stop running while in bounds and you get injured, thats your fault, and it does dramatically increase our chances of winning)

~michaec5

buckeyefanatic's picture

THIS ... would be awesome

How many batteries does it take to beat Michigan football?   1AA
Want to beat Michigan? There's an App for that.

USMCBUCKEYE82's picture

Jonny that was awesome!!!

 

Did anybody else scroll far enough down without getting sick to see this. I love how they found a way to put themselves on top of the BIG+.... What the hell is BIG+? When did the conference keep track of what ND is doing? 

 

Big Ten+ Recruiting Class Rankings
Rank  School  # Commits  Rivals Avg  Scout Avg  24/7 Avg  Avg Avg^
1  Michigan  17  3.76  3.88  3.76  3.80
2  Ohio State  8  4.13  4.00  3.88  4.00
3  Notre Dame  10  3.30  3.30  3.70  3.43
4  Penn State  8  3.25  3.00  3.25  3.17
5  Michigan State  5  3.20  3.20  3.20  3.20
6  Nebraska  3  4.00  2.67  3.33  3.33
7  Wisconsin  3  3.00  1.67  2.67  2.44
8  Iowa  3  3.33  2.33  3.00  2.89
9  Illinois  4  2.50  1.00  2.50  2.00
10  Northwestern  1  4.00  4.00  4.00  4.00
11  Minnesota  1  3.00  1.00  3.00  2.33
12  Indiana  0  -  -  -  -
13  Purdue  0  -  -  -  -

 

You may have 9 more recruits scum. We already have you beat in talent!

 

O-H

JakeBuckeye's picture

Eh, being completely fair and honest they currently have the best recruiting class in the Big Ten.

USMCBUCKEYE82's picture

When did the BIG become the BIG+?

JakeBuckeye's picture

I think its just something they do to evalute B1G recruiting, since Notre Dame takes a bunch of players from the B1G area. They've done that for a while now in their recruiting class evaluations.

ThirdLegLouie's picture

Why? Because it is close to being a finished project? Agree to disagree. To be fair and honest, if you evaluate based on number of kids, they are in the lead right now. If you evaluate based on talent and player rankings, OSU is #1, according to every recruiting service.

 

Match any 8 of their kids v the first 8 kids OSU has. Which group would you take?

If you ain't a Silver Bullet, you're a target

 
JakeBuckeye's picture

Yes that's why I said currently in italicized words. Sigh. You speak like all of their kids are chumps. They have both quantity and quaility. They got off to a better start than us and currently have a better class.

Match any 8 of their kids v the first 8 kids OSU has. Which group would you take?

And LOL. This is completely irrelevant. Guess what? They have 17 recruits, not 8. We don't get to twist that so that we can look better compared to them. They currently have a better class. Currently (subject to change.) Shesh.

buckeyedude's picture

Damn. We're tied for first with N'western, for the highest avg. avg.

 

 

William's picture

I hope this is internet sarcasm? They have one recruit that is a 4*, hence their high average..

buckeyedude's picture

Sarcasm....not.

Humor.

 

 

lippertini's picture

So Northwestern has the best class in the Big Ten in the third category then, right?

Packer3Baller's picture

Gonna miss that Spoony Swag roaming the sidelines. Just hope he doesn't join Trey Burke up at SCUM.

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?

Nutbuck1959's picture

Anybody but me notice how ESPN will rank our classes highly all through the recruiting process, then suddenly drop them multiple places in the final ranking?

Johnny Ginter's picture

i personally think that ranking recruits is BS in general, but ESPN is particularly bad at it and you should definitely ignore their rankings