The Most Evil Man In America

By Johnny Ginter on June 16, 2011 at 1:00p
GIS "David Dees" and all will become clear

AP- Columbus, OH

Just days after his first press conference as the head coach of the Ohio State University football team, improprieties have arisen which have solidified Luke Fickell's position as the most evil man in America, and quite possibly the entire world.

"I was shocked," said Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith. Shaking his head, Smith continued: "You hire a guy, thinking, 'Wow, this guy is the complete package; his favorite book is Where The Red Fern Grows, the only tv show he watches is How It's Made, and he thinks pleated pants are too showy.' And then we find out all this new stuff which bites us on the ass. Again."

What Smith is referring to is a string of incidents in the days following Fickell's official introduction as head coach that have revealed parts of his character unseen by the public eye... until now.

The Associated Press has been told that mere hours after his first press conference, Luke Fickell walked into a local branch of the Huntington Bank, taking several patrons hostage before eventually fleeing the scene with apparently nothing but a Cartier diamond ring.

Later that same day, Fickell and a team of terrorists attacked the Nationwide offices downtown, leading to a tense, several hour siege during which he attempted to steal hundreds of millions of dollars in bearer bonds before being thwarted by a lone policeman.

Undeterred, the following morning Fickell managed to steal roughly 50 cars of the next 72 hours, while reportedly making out with a woman who, according to eyewitnesses, was not his spouse. Fickell's wife has reportedly gone into hiding in Sicily and has made no comment.

In the days since these incidents, Ohio State head coach Luke Fickell has been implicated by witnesses in hundreds of additional crimes in the Columbus metro area. Among Fickell's crimes:

  • 67 moving violations, including blocking a fire hydrant in an ice cream truck and double parking a hearse
  • 54 counts of public intoxication
  • 1 count of burglary and 12 counts of owning exotic animals without a permit; the golden tamarins were subsequently returned to the Columbus Zoo
  • 2 counts of hunting deer out of season
  • 1 count of impersonating a fireman (later revealed to be part of an adult entertainment job and dismissed)

Despite these very public and persistent crimes, Fickell remains at large.

"He's a one man crime wave," said Columbus Police chief Salmon Tate. "I guess it's to be expected, him being an Ohio State head football coach and all, but I just wish he had kept the public urination to a minimum." Sighing, Tate added, "He didn't."

Some aren't surprised.

SuperSebastianDaU on the FootballFerriswheelForum seemingly reflected the views of many college football fans across the country: "Yeah, he thought he had us fooled, with his churchy sweatervest and Transitions lenses. Do you have any idea how many unsolved arsons there have been in Columbus in the past ten years? Kidnappings? Murders? The man is clearly sick, I was telling everybody since last September but nooooobody (sic) would listen to me."

Gene Smith admits that this is something he should have seen coming. "When we hire someone as head coach for our football program, we know that eventually that person is going to be held responsible for pretty much everything bad that's every happened in Columbus during their time in the spotlight. Rumors about Jim Tressel's charity, genuine concern for his players, or general inclusiveness (especially with regards to the GLBT community), appear to have been just that, given that he made the mistakes that he made."

"Look, as the Ohio State head football coach, there is no in-between. You're either the next Green River Killer or the actual second coming of Christ. Luke Fickell, like his predecessor, is sadly the former."

Anyone who has seen Luke Fickell or has information as to his whereabouts is encouraged to contact the Columbus PD immediately. Luke Fickell is described as an Ohio State head football coach that, from the available footage of his crimes, is either a short, balding man, a heavyset young blonde girl, or a 4 year old cocker spaniel.

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