The Most Evil Man In America

By Johnny Ginter on June 16, 2011 at 1:00p
30 Comments
GIS "David Dees" and all will become clear

AP- Columbus, OH

Just days after his first press conference as the head coach of the Ohio State University football team, improprieties have arisen which have solidified Luke Fickell's position as the most evil man in America, and quite possibly the entire world.

"I was shocked," said Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith. Shaking his head, Smith continued: "You hire a guy, thinking, 'Wow, this guy is the complete package; his favorite book is Where The Red Fern Grows, the only tv show he watches is How It's Made, and he thinks pleated pants are too showy.' And then we find out all this new stuff which bites us on the ass. Again."

What Smith is referring to is a string of incidents in the days following Fickell's official introduction as head coach that have revealed parts of his character unseen by the public eye... until now.

The Associated Press has been told that mere hours after his first press conference, Luke Fickell walked into a local branch of the Huntington Bank, taking several patrons hostage before eventually fleeing the scene with apparently nothing but a Cartier diamond ring.

Later that same day, Fickell and a team of terrorists attacked the Nationwide offices downtown, leading to a tense, several hour siege during which he attempted to steal hundreds of millions of dollars in bearer bonds before being thwarted by a lone policeman.

Undeterred, the following morning Fickell managed to steal roughly 50 cars of the next 72 hours, while reportedly making out with a woman who, according to eyewitnesses, was not his spouse. Fickell's wife has reportedly gone into hiding in Sicily and has made no comment.

In the days since these incidents, Ohio State head coach Luke Fickell has been implicated by witnesses in hundreds of additional crimes in the Columbus metro area. Among Fickell's crimes:

  • 67 moving violations, including blocking a fire hydrant in an ice cream truck and double parking a hearse
  • 54 counts of public intoxication
  • 1 count of burglary and 12 counts of owning exotic animals without a permit; the golden tamarins were subsequently returned to the Columbus Zoo
  • 2 counts of hunting deer out of season
  • 1 count of impersonating a fireman (later revealed to be part of an adult entertainment job and dismissed)

Despite these very public and persistent crimes, Fickell remains at large.

"He's a one man crime wave," said Columbus Police chief Salmon Tate. "I guess it's to be expected, him being an Ohio State head football coach and all, but I just wish he had kept the public urination to a minimum." Sighing, Tate added, "He didn't."

Some aren't surprised.

SuperSebastianDaU on the FootballFerriswheelForum seemingly reflected the views of many college football fans across the country: "Yeah, he thought he had us fooled, with his churchy sweatervest and Transitions lenses. Do you have any idea how many unsolved arsons there have been in Columbus in the past ten years? Kidnappings? Murders? The man is clearly sick, I was telling everybody since last September but nooooobody (sic) would listen to me."

Gene Smith admits that this is something he should have seen coming. "When we hire someone as head coach for our football program, we know that eventually that person is going to be held responsible for pretty much everything bad that's every happened in Columbus during their time in the spotlight. Rumors about Jim Tressel's charity, genuine concern for his players, or general inclusiveness (especially with regards to the GLBT community), appear to have been just that, given that he made the mistakes that he made."

"Look, as the Ohio State head football coach, there is no in-between. You're either the next Green River Killer or the actual second coming of Christ. Luke Fickell, like his predecessor, is sadly the former."

Anyone who has seen Luke Fickell or has information as to his whereabouts is encouraged to contact the Columbus PD immediately. Luke Fickell is described as an Ohio State head football coach that, from the available footage of his crimes, is either a short, balding man, a heavyset young blonde girl, or a 4 year old cocker spaniel.

30 Comments

Comments

Boxley's picture

Uhmmmmm, so what was your point here?

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

BuckeyeSki's picture

Just be happy the afternoon article doesn't involve more sanctions

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

THIS

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

njc2o's picture

WHEN I SAY HERP, YOU SAY DERP.

 

HERP

BuckeyeSki's picture

DERP

Banned from BlackShoeDiaries since 2008. Crime: Slander/Defamation of Character Judgement: Guilty

Boxley's picture

Well, Ejuan Price did aks for release from his LOI today. Of course that was Bollmans fault for poor OL recruiting.

 

HERP

"...the man who really counts in the world is the doer, not the mere critic-the man who actually does the work, even if roughly and imperfectly, not the man who only talks or writes about how it ought to be done." President T. Roosevelt

ERIC OSU's picture

Inside-man...diehard...gone in sixty... Daaaaaahhhhh!!! I enjoyed the cross-movie plot lines in your short story johnny, well done.

Johnny Ginter's picture

woah, awesome, didn't think anyone would get the inside man reference. also on the whole this post was basically just trying to satirize the idea that OSU coaches are automatically crooked or bad based entirely on the fact that they're OSU coaches. i feel like a lot of times the narrative that people like to concoct is one of "we love you, you're awesome, but if you make a mistake you are literally hitler." in fandom and in the media it feels like there's very little room for nuance, and i hate that. so i ran with that idea.

NW Buckeye's picture

Bravo!  Job well done, point well taken. 

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

EVIL FICKELL SCORES 50 PTS ON EVERYONE JUST BECAUSE.

 

EVIL FICKELL CALLS LONG PASS PLAY ON 3RD AND SHORT WITH UNDER 2 MINUTES LEFT IN BLOWOUT

 

AS A RESULT EVIL FICKELL OWNS YOUR SOUL AND ALL OF YOUR LOVE.

 

ALL OF YOUR TEAMS ARE BELONG TO EVIL FICKELL

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

Denny's picture

I heard that Fickell started the riots in the 'Couv last night.

Taquitos.

biggy84's picture

I heard that Coach Tressel was actually on the grassy knoll.

 

Doug T's picture

Fickell works as a parking valet at UNC

derp

German Buckeye's picture

Evil Fickle gets a movie contract and doubles as Adam Sandler in a remake of The Longest Yard - retitled, "The Shortest Meter"...

RoweTrain's picture

"while reportedly making out with a woman who, according to eyewitnesses, was not his spouse. Fickell's wife has reportedly gone into hiding in Sicily and has made no comment."

 

If his wife needs someone to help her through this tough time, she's more than welcome to contact me.  I'll be her shoulder to cry on.  She's hot.

nickma71's picture

Lets not forget Pete Carrol was an OSU assistant.

BED's picture

Johnny, I loved this.

Thank you.

The Ohio State University, College of Arts & Sciences, Class of 2006
The Ohio State University Moritz College of Law, Class of 2009

doodah_man's picture

Fickle once turned me into a newt....

Jim "DooDah" Day
It is hard to play dirty against a man who picks you up.

GoBucks713's picture

I see you got better

-The Aristocrats!

AltaBuck's picture

Sorry...I could not help myself

Sir Dohrmann: There are ways of telling whether he is a tOSU Coach.
Mark May: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Dohrmann: Tell me. What do you do with tOSU coaches
Mark May: Burn them.
Sir Dohrmann: And what do you burn, apart from tOSU coaches?
Mark May: More tOSU coaches!
Dennis Dodd: Wood.
Sir Dohrmann: Good. Now, why do tOSU coaches burn?
Mark Schlabach: ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Dohrmann: Good. So how do you tell whether he is made of wood?
Mark May: Build a bridge out of him.
Sir Dohrmann: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Mark May: Oh yeah.
Sir Dohrmann: Does wood sink in water?
Mark May: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw him into the Olentangy!
Sir Dohrmann: No, no. What else floats in water?
Mark May: Bread.
Dennis Dodd: Apples.
Mark Schlabach: Very small rocks.
Mark May: Cider.
Dennis Dodd: Gravy.
Mark Schlabach: Cherries.
Mark May: Mud.
Dennis Dodd: Churches.
Mark Schlabach: Lead! Lead!
Colin Cowherd: A Duck.
Sir Dohrmann: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Mark May: If he weighed the same as a duck... he's made of wood.
Sir Dohrmann: And therefore...
Dennis Dodd: ...A tOSU coach!
 

 

I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon. - Crash Davis

GoBucks713's picture

My favorite line in that whole thing is ''Churches". I need to watch that tonight and enjoy a Yuengling. Or Seven.

-The Aristocrats!

SouthBayBuckeye's picture

A DUCK!

Banned from ATO since June 3rd 2PMish PST

BuckeyeMark's picture

yesterday Othello.  today satire.  is anybody else really ready for football?

and oh yes - tremendous reference Doodah_Man and GoBucks713. 

AngelHeartsBuckeyes's picture

Well he didn't lie to the NCAA so nothing to see here....

Buckeye born and bred. Buckeye til I'm dead.

Chris Lauderback's picture

Just saw OSU hoops assistant Brandon Miller has resigned to spend more time with his family.

Rooster Buckburn's picture

As long as he doesn't start tweeting pics of his johnson we're good

303 Buckeye's picture

I had a feeling Fickell was fickle.  

neallivingston's picture

This post. This right here. This is why I love ElevenWarriors. Welld done.