This week's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS:
- The story of Lorne Malvo.
- Stripping, twerking, and feminism at the Miss Juggalette beauty pageant in Columbus, Ohio.
- The story of Rustin Cohle.
WHO HAS IT BETTER THAN US? Right now, not many schools are swaggering like Ohio State. And it's not just the football team (although that's a big engine of the growth) but the university as a whole.
From wsj.com:
Ohio State is enjoying an era of good feelings that may be unmatched in the school’s history, according to interviews with officials, donors and students.
By all accounts, this collective contagion was enabled and embodied by the undefeated football team, which won last year’s national championship and is currently ranked No. 3 as it prepares to take on Michigan State and archrival Michigan in the next two weeks. The team is on such a magical run under coach Urban Meyer that fans seem to be inventing problems. One of the complaints making the rounds, for example, is that the Buckeyes aren’t winning games by big enough margins. “This thing is at another level now,” said Smith, the athletic director.
But there have been victories outside Ohio Stadium, too. Undergraduate applications are up 72% since 2010—as are the academic credentials of incoming students as measured by their average ACT composite scores and class rankings. The school’s endowment has nearly doubled in the last five years. Meanwhile, the city of Columbus, once derided as “Cow-lumbus” for its general lack of glamour, has the state’s healthiest economy with unemployment dropping to pre-recession levels as hip new Brooklynesque entertainment districts pop up with pour-over coffee places and cold-pressed juice shops.
Not many people talking shit about Cow-lumbus(!?) right now either. My personal opinion is Ohio State should continue to do what needs to be done until it's the only university left in the world.
Dumb irony aside, where does this money bonanza end? I'm not sure, but I know it won't end with Urban Meyer out there rainmaking. That's all that matters to me right now, SO LET ME GET ANOTHER ONE, BARTENDER.
FANCY MATH LIKES THE BUCKS. Y'all know my policy on math: No.
But y'all also know I make exception for the numbers that coincide with my opinion. Those numbers, unlike the other mongrel numbers, are good.
As I've said all week: A wounded Sparty is limping into a buzzsaw on Saturday afternoon. The runes haven't aligned like this since Wisconsin rolled into Indianapolis as a touchdown favorite.
From sbnation.com:
S&P+ projects a 35-21 Ohio State win (win probability: 80 percent). While the spread is as high as it is (Ohio State -13) in part because of the uncertainty surrounding Cook's injury, based solely on what we've seen in 2015, it's a legitimate margin.
Michigan State beat the only awesome team it faced this year but has struggled against teams far worse than the Buckeyes. Meanwhile, for all of Ohio State's "struggles," the Buckeyes are about where we expected them to be.
Perhaps Sparty has another surprise in store. From an entertainment standpoint, it would be welcome. But on paper, the Buckeyes have the clear edge. Only one team can run the ball, and it isn't the visitor.
Sparty's counter-argument? Dat chip. No, not that one, this one:
spending today w/the #Spartans. Famous @MSU_Football "chip" is back aboard shoulders! Players said it was missing until Neb. loss #MSUvsOSU
— Chris Fowler (@cbfowler) November 19, 2015
Of course, Twitter was the fastest to the punchline:
@cbfowler hope those chips can play CB
— Rob Redies (@RobRedies) November 19, 2015
BOSA ≠ WATT. As Joey Bosa enters the NFL Draft (anywhere but Baltimore, please), there will be an avalanche of "Joey Bosa is the next J.J. Watt."
If you listen to people in "the biz," however, it's a comparison that doesn't hold water.
From nfl.com:
Executive 1: Michael Strahan
"This might sound like it's out of left field but that's who I see. I think Bosa will be a 4-3 left defensive end with power pass-rush ability."Executive 2: Jared Allen
"He's not J.J. Watt. He reminds me a little of Jared Allen. Bosa will be a better run defender than Allen but probably won't be quite the pass rusher he was in his prime. One other name that comes to mind is Trace Armstrong. You're probably too young to remember him." (Come on, I'm not that young!!)Executive 3: Jared Allen
"I think they are similar in size. Both natural pass rushers and incredibly disruptive in the run game. Bosa's sack numbers are misleading. He's hitting the quarterback over and over again. He has been harassing opponents' run and pass games consistently."
You know what Bosa and Watt have in common besides defensive line, right? Their Big Ten ties.
DECKER GIVES BARBED PENIS LESSON TO THE SLOBS. One of the good things about this job is while I "cover" Ohio State football, there's really no bounds to the things I discuss on any given day.
Did I wake up today and say, "Today is the day I will read and write about an animal penis lesson between a group of 300-pound men!"? No, no I did not.
And yet...
From campusrush.com:
Decker has always loved animals, and he has always loved lions most. The Vandalia, Ohio, native watchedThe Lion King on a near-daily basis as elementary schooler. He swears he didn't cry when Simba's father, Mufasa, died. Decker, who is the youngest of five siblings, said older brother Justin was far more likely to shed tears during near-daily viewings of his favorite movie. "He would cry all the time when the Terminator would die," Decker cracked. "It was weird." Even though he has never worked with a lion at the zoo, Decker says the biggest cats remain his favorite.
Through his work at the zoo, Decker has developed an appreciation for other species. While showing off a palm civet named Toddy, he marveled that an animal about the size of a raccoon—it's actually related to the mongoose—would hunt dangerous snakes. The palm civet is most famous for its poop's role in helping produce the world's most expensive coffee. The civets eat the coffee cherries, and somehow a trip through the animal's digestive system imbues the undigested bean (the pit) with an unforgettable flavor.
This is the sort of information Decker dispenses on Factoid Monday. Ohio State offensive line coach Ed Warinner said Decker educates his fellow Slobs about the animal kingdom to kick off each game week. To start preparation for Michigan State, Decker explained to his teammates and coaches how female cats don't ovulate like human females. Instead of releasing an egg at a regular interval, female cats ovulate because of stimulation provided during intercourse. This is also why male cats, up to and including lions, have barbed penises. The Slobs were fascinated by this lesson. "He was giving us the whole explanation," Warinner said. "We were dumbfounded."
First of all, show me a person who didn't cry when Mufasa died and I'll show you a stone cold psychopath. Let's hope Decker was only kidding.
Secondly, it sounds like you see some things at the Zoo. Hell, in retrospect I saw some wild things at the Zoo last time I strolled through. (Chimpanzees are unseemly.)
You know, those factoids could even be deployed as psychological shit talk. Being in a scrum would not be fun, but being in a scrum with a man looking into your eyes while rattling off cat uterus factoids would be downright perturbing — and I'm a man who owns three cats.
TILT OF THE CAP TO URBAN MEYER. Among Urban Meyer's everyday historical accomplishments (an oxymoron that makes sense when discussing the three-time champion) Meyer dual wielded two quarterbacks and produced a 10-0 record.
#QBgeddon would've ripped apart lesser locker rooms, and yet here Ohio State stands with a possibility to go 11-0 over a top-ten foe.
From espn.com:
National championship contenders rarely play more than one quarterback unless injury demands it. It may be tradition; it may be the difficulty inherent in two quarterbacks getting half the practice reps during game week; it may be that it's hard enough to find one good quarterback, much less two.
In the past 40 seasons, only a handful of national championship contenders have played two quarterbacks by choice. Alabama head coach Bear Bryant won a share of the 1978 title starting Jeff Rutledge, a better passer, and bringing in Steadman Shealy, a runner ideally suited for the Crimson Tide's wishbone offense.
[...]
In an era with 95 scholarships and no limit on practice time, Alabama had the bodies to prepare two quarterbacks and the hours in which to do so. Shealy said Bryant used to fill three practice fields at once.
I have a better chance of winning Big Ten Coach of the Year than Urban. I'm not generally one that gets mad online about Ohio State's CoY drought (OSU fans whining about it tend to sound like a #teen weeping because their birthday BMW is the wrong color) but it's hilarious how a guy who is 48-3 and erected this football monster won't even be considered because Kirk Ferentz got hot on a blackjack table that didn't feature Mark Dantonio, Jim Harbaugh, Urban Meyer or even Plain James Franklin.
I understand the thinking in awarding Ferentz, but shouldn't the Big Ten wait until after the Big Ten championship to vote? Because it's going to look awkward as Coach of the Year Ferentz trails Urban Meyer by 27 points in the fourth quarter in Indianapolis.
Without taking that game into consideration, it almost seems like the Big Ten is awarding mediocrity.
/SALUTE TO THE EXODUS. Braxton Miller is going to get most of the pop on Senior Day, but he'll be one of 16 seniors.
Ezekiel Elliott, Joey Bosa, Vonn Bell, Darron Lee, Mike Thomas, Cardale Jones, Pat Elflein and more could all be playing their last game in the Horseshoe too. Saturday will truly be the end of an era in the Shoe.
From bcsn.tv:
Few times has Ohio State produced a class more gifted than the second incarnation of the Super Sophs who kindled last year’s national title run. Bosa, running back Ezekiel Elliott, and receiver Michael Thomas are all near-locks to declare for the draft, and few would be surprised if redshirt sophomore linebacker Darron Lee and safety Vonn Bell — both projected on the first-round bubble — followed.
Other early-entry possibilities include guard Patrick Elflein and cornerback Eli Apple, along with 23-year-old quarterback Cardale Jones, who is five years removed from high school and could decide to move on rather than risk spending next season behind J.T. Barrett.
In all, a wave of departures could match the mass migration Meyer experienced after the 2009 season at Florida, when five juniors declared for the NFL draft. Sports Illustrated’s latest mock draft predicts seven Buckeyes will go in the first round, including senior left tackle Taylor Decker and senior defensive tackle Adolphus Washington.
Come as #teens, leave as immortals. Not a bad bit of a business.
THOSE WMDs. One journalist's journey from ESPN to shining shoes... Nick Saban is apparently a fan of General Patton... Stories behind the most breathtaking whale photos... Media being pushed further away from sports... 1954 photo: A Chicago Sun-Times copy editor.
