MARK MAY FIRED BY ESPN FOR 'NEGATIVE COVFEFE' OF BUCKEYES
On Wednesday afternoon images emerged online from the illegal wildlife spy cam set up in analyst Mark May's home that showed the commentator obviously despondent, sitting alone at his breakfast table in a dingy wifebeater as he watched a frozen pack of hotdogs slowly thaw in his kitchen sink.
After much speculation, an announcement in the morning from ESPN confirmed that the network had indeed parted ways with May.
Speaking on behalf of the network, spokesperson John Esspin stated that May had been terminated for constantly pushing "negative covfefe" regarding the Ohio State Buckeyes.
"It's just bizarre the level of animosity this man has for a team of young men," Esspin said.
Mr. Esspin later added that apart from being biased, May was also fired for being "a total clownshoe."
BREAKING: TATE MARTELL REPORTED LOST IN MISTY MOUNTAINS
Late in April it transpired that Ohio State freshman quarterback Tate Martell would be going on a quest for dragon gold in the frozen wastes of Michigan. While the dangers were well-known, everyone from his fellow backup quarterbacks Joe Burrow and Dwayne Haskins to head coach Urban Meyer hoped and prayed for a speedy and safe return. However it has emerged from the eyewitness testimony of a talking thrush that Martell and his band of dwarves have been lost somewhere in the Misty Mountains. For readers unfamiliar with Midwest geography, the Misty Mountains are a range of mountains seven times as high and twice as deadly as the Himalayas that exist between Ann Arbor and East Lansing in Michigan, known to be home to species as exotic as rock giants, goblins, orcs, and Canadians, as well as to many troves of gold and silver and the largest Faygo bottling plant in the world.
Whether Martell and his band have been murdered by orcs or merely waylaid by a friendly but pushy group of backpacking Canadian folk rock musicians insisting on an audience for their experimental music, we will continue to provide round the clock coverage on this developing story as new details emerge.
JIM HARBAUGH LEAVING MICHIGAN FOR ARSENAL FC
In a move that's shocked and befuddled everyone both in the world of college football as well as European club soccer, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh announced that he's leaving Michigan football to go across the pond to become co-manager of English association football giants Arsenal, alongside longtime manager Arsene Wenger, who we are assured is both alive and still not out of a job. Jim Harbaugh knows very little about soccer by his own admission, which should allow him to fit right in with a manager like Wenger.
In addition to sharing managerial duties, the two will also (as per the new contract) share an apartment in Highbury, London, where they will be filmed as part of a new BBC reality TV series "No, I'm The Boss."
So tune in this August when we follow this mismatched pair of clashing egos as they navigate life, girl trouble, which kind of milk to buy, and peer pressure from the cool delinquent neighbor kids and try to get a struggling Premier League side back on top.
