COREY DAVIS FILES RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST MALIK HOOKER
In what could either be termed an act of hysteria or a bold, cunning masterstroke, new Tennessee Titans wide receiver Corey Davis (formerly of Western Michigan) has recently filed a restraining order against newly drafted Indianapolis Colts (and former Ohio State) safety Malik Hooker. The terms of the restraining order, if it is not struck down in court, state that Malik Hooker is not to come within fifteen yards of Davis at any time, including during their scheduled matches in the 2017 NFL season on the 16th of October and the 26th of November.
When asked for comment, Malik Hooker simply stated "It makes sense, I'd be afraid of playing me too."
TATE MARTELL MAY MISS 2017 SEASON
The battle for the #2 position in Ohio State's quarterback room may have just been simplified. Diminutive (5'11") freshman quarterback Tate Martell of Bishop Gorman in Las Vegas, who as noted in a previous report has been struggling with a shrinking problem, may have just been taken out of consideration completely. As is well documented, Martell being part Hobbit meant that he was a prime choice when a wandering wizard came looking for a clever thief to steal a dragon's treasure (as of now the location of this dragon's hoard is unknown, though certain reputable sources suggest it is in the vicinity of Detroit, Michigan). Martell has since confirmed the completely accurate and not at all rushed or embellished TMZ report that first alleged that he was accepting a wizard's quest and joining a band of comically motley and disagreeable dwarves. The journey to Michigan as everyone knows is long and perilous and most of the bridges are controlled by trolls, but with his trusty dagger and his pet talking owl who can see through walls, Martell hopes he can return with saddlebags overflowing with dragon gold before fall practice commences.
REPORT: KIRK FERENTZ HAS NAKED PICTURES OF YOU TOO
Iowa University head football coach Kirk "Action Bastard" Ferentz dropped a bombshell today when he admitted in a press conference that not only did he have--as everyone has long suspected--naked photographs of both the Iowa athletic director and the entire university Board of Trustees ("It was some Eyes Wide Shut-type mess," according to Ferentz), but that he also has naked photographs of you, the reader. When you thought you were safe and lying naked on a motel bed in Frisco, Texas or shitting on the side of a highway in Kansas one night, you were in fact in the crosshairs of Kirk Ferentz's Kodak Astrozoom (TM) with special night-filter attachment. Ferentz has yet to make his demands known, but God help us all when the Piper comes to collect.