Hatin' Ass Spurrier Hates on the Big Ten

By Johnny Ginter on August 5, 2014 at 10:45a

Hatin' Ass Spurrier is one of my absolute favorite recurring segments on any college football blog. Yeah, it's funny, and yeah, the idea of Steve Spurrier looming over you and talking jive about someone's momma is an image that I want to take with me to my grave. But that's not why I love EDSBS' treatment of the former Heisman winner (yes he did no joke).

No, I love it because I truly believe that if Steve Spurrier were allowed to live in a world without all these bourgeois notions of honor and civility, Hatin' Ass Spurrier is who he would actually be 24/7. He would live in a hollowed out Sherman tank, occasionally popping out of the turret to hurl insults at overweight children eating ice cream, wearing nothing but a jockstrap and a golf visor.

Unfortunately, we live in a society of laws, and because of that Spurrier must resort to issuing edicts from his Hatin' Ass Throne about how the Big Ten Sucks:

"The Big Five conferences all playing each other, I don't think that makes a lot of sense, really,” Spurrier said, via garnetandblackattack.com. “Playing East Carolina is a lot tougher game than maybe picking up one of those bottom Big Ten teams, and a lot of fans around here would rather see a team that's close by."

That's some quality hate right there, not in the least because it plays off of B1G fans' deep seated insecurities about sucking all the time.

Well guess what, Spurrier? You're wrong! Well, okay, you're right. But you're wrong in a different way!

I crunched some numbers (added things and then divided them on my phone) and it turns out that yes, East Carolina really is a lot tougher game than those bottom Big Ten teams. Which, really people, shouldn't come as a shock. The B1G has an okay top 2/3rds, but the bottom third is absolutely godawful. As an Ohio State fan, you should be pretty well aware of this, since in 2013 the Buckeyes beat the bottom four teams in the Big Ten by a combined score of ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT TO SEVENTY NINE. That is bad. That is very very very bad.

But here's the thing: as bad as the bottom four teams in the Big Ten were (making East Carolina a legit better, more interesting option to schedule than they are), a Big Ten team might want to learn a lesson from that. Because as it turns out, East Carolina is also a much better bet than the bottom four teams of the SEC were last year.

Have a chart!

  B1G Bottom Feeders1 SEC Bottom Feeders2 East Carolina
SCORING OFFENSE 27.3 20.9 40.2
SCORING DEFENSE 34.8 28 24.8
TOTAL OFFENSE 404.4 342.1 468.2
TOTAL DEFENSE 473.1 393.3 368.8
TOTAL WINS 15 14 10
WINS vs .500+ FBS TEAMS 4 4 3

1 Indiana, Illinois, Northwestern and Purdue
2 Florida, Tennessee, Arkansas and Kentucky

Sure, quality of competition and all that, but hell, I'm not inclined to cut any of the SEC teams much slack given that Florida lost to Georgia Southern and Arkansas is coached by a guy who is slowly evolving into a living embodiment of their mascot.

Two things. First, it's kind of amazing just how bad both the worst of the Big Ten and the SEC were last year. Personally, I'm inclined to give a break to the likes of Indiana and Illinois (although my personal college football spirit animal Northwestern let me down greatly last year), but Florida and Tennessee being as bad as they were is really kind of amazing. The SEC teams were better defensively overall, mostly thanks to the efforts of Florida, and the Big Ten teams were better offensively overall, which is the general M.O. of crappy B1G squads, but what's most striking is the overall futility against teams that weren't each other.

Second, as mentioned, Spurrier was right. East Carolina was a pretty good team last season. They won ten games, and even though none of those victories came against top 25 teams, they are the eternal champions of the 2013 Beef O'Brady Bowl, where they defeated Ohio and won the admiration and respect of St. Petersburg, Florida. They had an explosive offense with some very good players, including the now-graduated Shane Carden, who threw for over 4000 yards last season. SEC teams would be smart to schedule the Pirates instead of whatever crud that Purdue is deciding to roll out this season.

But frankly, it'd be in the best interests of Ohio State to schedule the likes of East Carolina over the basement of the SEC in terms of planning a watchable game. The SEC has coasted and continues to coast on name recognition, and while the addition of Rutgers and Maryland isn't going to help the B1G's case that it's not a terrible conference, the bottom of the SEC was hot garbage last year and will likely continue to be this year.

"I hate you, I hate you, I don't even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you."

Look to your own, crappy, smelly-ass basement, Spurrier! The bottom 2/3rds of your conference isn't anything special and South Carolina hasn't won anything ever. Do something interesting before you talk trash.

And I'm taking Silky Johnson back, dammit! Dave lives in Ohio and you think Silky wears scarlet and gray by accident? HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!

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