The $100,000 Presidential Power Parlay: Homeland

By DJ Byrnes on October 23, 2013 at 3:00p

The 29th (and greatest) U.S. President, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer and lover of life. As such, his sage wagering advice and stories of criminal bravado are brought here through the medieval art of necromancy. Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife  thus tanking the economy), his words might as well be chiseled into stone tablets. (All views and opinions presented should only be considered those of President Warren G. Harding.) 

WARNING: The content of the $100,000 Presidential Power Parlay is intended for mature audiences. Viewer discretion is highly advised. Seriously.

LAST WEEK: (2-1 overall) Missouri (+3.5), Stanford (-6), Indiana (+9)
THE HONEYPOT: $-440,000

I clutched my sea turtle-skinned bag against the cold Macau night. The American government had frozen my assets, those ungrateful sonsuvbitches. Of the Gypsy King's mass fortunes, I had roughly $120,000 left. 

The Warren G. Harding File

  • Term: 3/4/1921 - 8/2/1923
  • Position: 29th U.S. President
  • Trade: Dope/Newspaper Peddler
  • Hometown: Marion, Ohio
  • School: Ohio Central College
  • Rivals Ranking: 5-Star
  • Quote: "Damn, I hate being sober."

I don't speak Mandarin, but the English-speaking Chinaman told me to keep heading down this dimly-lit street, and I would know the saloon I was searching for when I saw it. That man ended up not being a liar.

It was a massive estate, cut out of wood and stone and infused with stained-glass windows. It looked like an 18th century church, but there would be no Men of God inside this steeple; I knew that much.

I kicked open the saloon doors and sauntered in. There were more chaps drinking at the bar than I'd expected to find on a Tuesday morning at 8 AM. (China really does do it better than America these days.) 

RT @Goons_TXT: played wow for 28 hours until my vision got blurry, took some adderall and gamed for 9 more hours until i started hallucinatingPresident Harding hustling sorry ass Babe Ruth.

I sat down at the bar. "Bartender, I'll take an Old Fashion,." I said. The small man went about his task before returning with two tall glasses: one of pure whiskey and the other with ice. Turned out, I only needed one, as I chugged the whiskey in one swoop.

"Would you like another?" The bartender asked.

"No," I said waiving him off. "I'm in search of a man... a man with what is said to be mystical powers."

The bartender had a good poker face, but not good enough.

"I am in search of Pao Zhi," I said.

"I do not know who this is."

I reached into my bag and placed a banded $20,000 onto the table. 

The man looked at me, at the bands, and back at me. He took the money and disappeared behind a curtain against the back wall.

He emerged a few minutes later and motioned for me to follow him.

Behind the curtain, I found an ancient, bearded man who appeared to be meditating in the middle of a barren, wooden room.

"Sit," the bartender said.

I sat cross-legged across from the ancient man, who still had not acknowledged my presence. The bartender brought a bowl of boiling brown goop and laid it down between us. 

A few more minutes passed, and I thought about leaving. The boiling concoction smelled absolutely putrid. But just when the idea of leaving crossed my mind, the ancient Pao Zhi reached out and grabbed my hand. Without opening his eyes, he ran his fingers over my palm.

I thought I was about to be out $20,000 in what amounted to an age-old gypsy fortune-telling ruse, but with the alacrity of scorpion striking with its barb, Pao Zhi grabbed the knife in his robes and drove it through the palm of my hand.

I screamed in agony, and tried to pull my hand back, but Pao Zhi held my hand in a vice. When I realized writhing was futile, my blood dripped off the exposed tip of the knife and into the boiling bowl of goop between us.

With that, Pao Zhi released my hand and opened his eyes, which were fixed on the bowl between us.

"Drink," he rasped, "and see the path to fortune."

I woke up in the gutter next to the Macau Venetian. I wasn't wearing a shirt, as it had been used to bandage the wound on my hand. Shit got real when I realized my sea turtle-skinned bag was nowhere to be seen. I searched my pockets for any sort of clue, and there I found a simple $100,000 parlay ticket.


  • STAKES: $100k to win $600k
  • OU (-25) vs. Pastel Ohio
  • OSU (-14)  vs. Joe Pa's Corpse
  • Kent State (+2.5) vs. Buffalo

It was then I remembered the vision.

Bill Cosby and I had strolled through an Ohio cornfield on a cool fall day. The air was crisp and biting, unlike the suffocating smog found in China. 

"You have abandoned your people, President Harding," Bill Cosby scolded me. "You hide from your enemies in Chinese gutters and gambling dens. Is that the way of the lion?"

RT @Mickey_McCauley: Lil Wayne pauses. "You feel it?" The earth trembles again, harder. A crow caws. His eyes widen in fear as the the horns sound. "Big Wayne."WGH's mourning the death of his last hater, circa 1919

"No," I said. There was no other course. Bill Cosby was right.

"Look at this mighty corn... it is capable of feeding the country. Look at this crisp autumn skies... have you ever thing anything as majestic?"

Bill answered his own question by squatting down and scooping up a handful of soil. "This here is the cradle of civilization, Mr. President. But you already knew this. Why ride with ponies that aren't from here? That don't understand what it's like to be a denizen of the Gods' country?"

After a moment's reflection, Cosby asked, "Do you know what must be done?" 

I nodded, and that's when I woke up shirtless in the gutter outside the Venetian.

Friends, my $100,000 Presidential Power Parlay is a straight Ohio ticket this week, and it's a righteous banger ready to feed these streets and erase my deficits. 

Ohio (-25) vs. Miami. Fuck Miami, and their pastels. You might look at the abomination that is the Miami football program and think it to be the Gods' judgment on their program for enabling rapist Ben Roethlisberger, and you'd be right. Those people are no brethren of mine.

Ohio State (-14) vs. Penn State. Speaking of enabling rapists, this brings us to Penn State. While Bill O'Brien is certainly more honorable than duplicitous husk of fake morality that shit himself on the visitor's sideline of the Horseshoe, it's about god damn time Ohio State puts their boot up somebody's ass, and whose better than Penn State's? So what they're coming off a bye? They acted like they won the Super Bowl when they beat a mediocre Michigan team because Brady Hoke let their fat kicker get drunk before the game. I hate these people, and I hope Urban Meyer uses their ground up corpses as fertilizer for the Buckeye Grove.

Kent State (+2.5) vs. Buffalo. God damn, could this end up being a stupid wager. But you know what? It's Ohio, BITCH!  

Let's stack some coins this week, hounds.


The Gingerbread Man, 

RT @truebluela: "The Wild Horse is on his way to second base, and he's driven in the tiebreaker." - Vin Scully

Read more of President Harding's legendary exploits in The Most Hated On, also available on Kindle.


Comments Show All Comments

BierStube's picture

I feel Buffalo might be your undoing this week.  After getting housed by tOSU and Baylor, the mighty Buffalos are on a 5 game win streak .. And I don't care who they have played  ..Strength of schedule my ass!!!

"No matter where you go, there you are." B. Banzai

Ethos's picture

so he thinks kent will win by more then 2.5?  Oh man, looks like the president will be selling a kidney next week.

"I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted." - George Best

Borrowed Time's picture

I believe Kent St (+2.5) means he thinks Kent St won't lose by more than 2.5 or will win

thatlillefty's picture

DJ, seek professional help.

ronhack's picture

I'm hammering this parley! Loved your missouri pick last week. First start for the kid from kenton.this week I'm all over kent and osu. Your hitting this one.everyone get on this one.

Ron hack

UrbanCulture's picture

I just don't know what to expect week to week from OSU, so I will probably never bet on them haha

cajunbuckeye's picture

Damn it Warren Harding, your killing my liquor cabinet! I Know that God hates a coward, so I'm all in. I've got 2 cases of brew riding on the Buckeyes.

An angry fan...rooting for an angry team...led by angry coaches

AndyVance's picture

Fortune favors the bold, my friend. Also, the best way to make a small fortune betting a three team banger is to start with a large fortune.

BuckeyePops's picture

WARREN G - You are on a "roll" beginning with these three picks - ALL WINNERS - May the remainder of the schedule treat you well!

sir rickithda3rd's picture

the streets are hungry gamaliel

mark may wins douchebag of the year... again

unholy bucknut's picture

DJ your metaphors are magical keep it up brother.

pjtobin's picture

I too wish to see TOSU Buckeyes beat state penn. I want the Bucks to beat the piss out of em. Make BoB shat his pants from fright. I wanna see Big Brutus curb stomp that pussy lion thing. I want hate in the eyes and hearts of our young men. They need to go into battle ready to rip limbs off of one guy just to beat another guy senseless. No helmet to helmet crap. Pure turf to brains RDS pile driver. I expect our defense to make a statement. One that says "finish him" just before the whistle. So the moms of psu "players" won't be able to recognize their still breast feed, inbreed, bitch faced babies. I hope to hear it from every media outlet in the entire world that we are a take no prisoner, shoot first,  no nonsense, kicking ass football team. 
I just hope we keep winning. And no one suffers any long term or career ending injuries. I do hope that our d can get to their qb and rattle him. But I wish no one any serious harm. Seeing BoB shit himself would be priceless though!

Bury me in my away jersey, with my buckeye blanket. A diehard who died young. Rip dad. 

vitaminB's picture

DJ, let's get to work on a screenplay.  The Ghosts of Warren G and Nate Dog team up with Yao Ming and Bill Cosby to solve crime with their Kung-Fu skills in "The Way of the Lion."

Poison nuts's picture

While Bill O'Brien is certainly more honorable than duplicitous husk of fake morality that shit himself on the visitor's sideline of the Horseshoe, it's about god damn time Ohio State puts their boot up somebody's ass, and whose better than Penn State's? So what they're coming off a bye? They acted like they won the Super Bowl when they beat a mediocre Michigan team because Brady Hoke let their fat kicker get drunk before the game.

This is funny - maybe even worthy of some sort of "11W words of the week" type award thing that hasn't been invented yet, but should be. While reading about JoePa's unfortunate emergency halftime pant soiling, I may have made a little oops poops myself.

"Do not pass me, just slow down - I can move right through you" Superchunk - Precision Auto.

jrich612's picture

This will not end well for the president. 0-3 this week.