Sun & Bluesday: Michigan Wins 0-0

By Johnny Ginter on October 1, 2013 at 11:15a
image thanks to mgblog

One of the plus sides of Michigan having a Bye week is that there is no possible way for Devin Gardner to disappoint anyone in any way. Except maybe through his actions as a human being rather than a football player, but it's been about 25 years since anyone really put that as a priority in a college athlete so whatever, he's good.

Plus, whatever his deficiencies as a quarterback, Gardner seems like a pretty alright dude. Maybe not as affable as Denard Robinson was (I've yet to find an Ohio State fan who disliked that guy on any level higher than "reluctant obligation"), but decent enough to not be able to outright hate.

So that coupled with a Bye week doesn't give me a ton to work with today. Instead of Ace from MGoBlog, I'm stuck with a bunch of random articles about Michigan written by various yahoos on the internet who apparently were too cool to deign to hang with yours truly online. This is a dark week for me, but I'll try and persevere by making snarky comments about Al Borges and facing a disturbing dark future sportswriter version of myself head on.


I like to think of myself as an okay writer. Like, most of the time my quips are passable and the words that I put in sequence with one another generally make sense potato. And I want it to stay that way, but Bob Wojnowski has given me a grim vision of the future where my jokes reach critical mass and collapse into themselves like a dying star made up of puns your dad refuses to stop making.

Seriously though this column about Michigan and Michigan State's respective football problems is one of the most insane things I have ever read. In the span of like 750 words that seems more like 50 thousand, "Wojo" makes jokes about Legionnaires Disease, Little Drummer Boy, pooping his pants, and God knows what else. I don't know whether I really hate... whatever the hell this is, or love it so much that I'm going to emulate it for ever and ever:


There was Dantonio sitting in the corner, clutching four dolls with names taped to their backs. He was talking to them in a soothing voice, and periodically pounding them on the floor. The room was dark and he appeared to have a five-day growth of beard, although I could be mistaken.

Dammit. I can't help myself. It's brilliant.

Oh also his predicted score of the OSU/Wisconsin game is eerily accurate.


Al Borges is talking about the Michigan offensive line here, and from a macro perspective I get it. There's generally a reason that starters, even crappy ones, are starters, and it's not usually attributable to a twisted sense of glee coaches get from watching their team crash and burn (unless it's John L. Smith who I still posit is a closet masochist).

With that said, Freep identifies three areas where the Wolverines could use some looks at the backup positions on offense, and Borges shoots that down on all three accounts.

  • Shane Morris isn't going to be taking over for Gardner anytime soon, which is good because even though Gardner has looked terrible in the last few games, this is a really dumb suggestion that would destroy the locker room.
  • Giving Derrick Green some more action is slightly more reasonable because Fitz Toussaint is barely passable at rushing inside the tackles (or most anyplace else on the field), but he's overweight and probably a ticking turnover time bomb at this point.
  • It says volumes that the only change Freep can come up with on offensive line is inserting a redshirt freshman at guard.

"The biggest mistake you can make as a coach is to put a kid in a position where he’ll fail," Borges said. "If he fails, you could lose him forever; he could never be the same player."

That's a really weird way at looking at adversity, but yeah, okay.


Freep also devoted a large number of inches to dissecting whether the offense or the defense is the strength of Michigan.

In favor of the offense was the fact that they put up a lot of yards against the likes of Akron, UConn, Central Michigan, and an obviously overrated Notre Dame team. The offense also has some good players that are really good when not playing like dog poop. A COMPELLING ARGUMENT INDEED, ARTICLE THAT HAS 20 ONE-SENTENCE PARAGRAPHS!

In favor of the defense is everything else, including the fact that Michigan is somehow still undefeated. So yeah, probably not a great debate to be had here, especially when you actually have a unit on the defense outperforming expectations (linebackers). That's not the case on the offensive side of the ball, where everybody except Gallon kinda has been bad at various points in the last few games.


Chantel Jennings over at ESPN easily and simply breaks down what's up with the Wolverines recently without poop jokes, dumb quotes, or an entire premise based on an offhanded quote from Gerry DiNardo. It's a somewhat light but good article which could probably be more in depth but screw it, it's the Bye week and you're reading about Michigan. I can't tell you how to live your life.

Of course, your other option is to go to MGoBlog if you prefer obsessively detail-oriented Michigan discussion, which I have always been both incredibly impressed with and kind of creeped out by. So win-win, really.


Comments Show All Comments

kcbrez's picture

Final score was Michigan 3, Bye Week 0, (OT).

hail2victors9's picture

Hey, a win is a win!

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!

~Bo Schembechler

GoBlue91's picture

Unfortunately, as usual, we were within a play of losing. . .

bedheadjc's picture

I've yet to find an Ohio State fan who disliked that guy on any level higher than "reluctant obligation"

WHATTTT?!?!?!? Tell me this is a joke that I missed. I hate Denard with a passion begat by a dread of Predator dreds, the whole "shoelace" narrative, the freakin' spoon thing, and his whole Lil' Wayne doppelganger, affable smile, arm punt, can't throw a baseball either persona.

Knarcisi's picture

I really hated him with that spoon thing in 2011.  I wanted to go through the TV.  I'm glad it was only my dad and I watching the game, as I called him some names that I've never repeated since. 

Seattle Linga's picture

Agreed !!!! Johnny you need to remember he was mocking us when they beat us in 2011 that's why Carlos mocked him last year. Some things get under my skin and that sure did. D Robinson hasn't done a lot for the JJ (I don't know if anybody would have - that team needs a lot of help) but really - that whole spoon thing was stupid.  

NoVA Buckeye's picture


The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

doodah_man's picture

Ditto on the spoon thing...what a douchey move (except of course, when Guapo does it..then it is brilliant)

Jim "DooDah" Day

"If I were giving a young man advice as to how he might succeed in life, I would say to him, pick out a good father and mother, and begin life in Ohio.” --Wilbur Wright, 1910

fear_the_nut70's picture

@ Knarc--Loved this description.  Simply perfect.

Knarcisi's picture

Yep, all they could do to survive a few overthrown deep balls by Braxton to barely beat our worst team in 75 years. 

MassiveAttack's picture

Nah, Denard was alright.  Sure the "eating 'em up" thing was annoying, but without that, you wouldn't have Carlos Hyde mocking him to seal our undefeated season last year.  ;^)  Arm punt?  Can't throw a baseball?  These are reasons to like him. 1W 2L in The Game, plus a bunch of turnovers is cool, too.
Now Mike Hart was a Wolverine you could really hate! I never liked Tate Forcier, either, but hate? He never earned my hate.

The Ohio State University - "Haters love us!"

Buckeye_Mafia's picture

Don't forget his 3 year reign on the September Heisman...that NEVER added to his douchbaggerie... 

"At critical moments throughout the season, we learned about the character of this football team.  This was a team of true character, of true resilience." -- President Barack Obama

Chilimac419's picture

We should be nervous.   Gardner during the bye week was hanging out with racheal ray  ... He was perfecting the turnover.   :). Go bucks 17-0

osuguy2008's picture

I'd rather look at it that Michigan lost to a crappy Michigan team 0-0

cjmgobucks's picture

Doesn't Michigan mean "lose" in Algonquin...?

"When I look in the mirror, I want to take a swing at me."

Wayne Woodrow Hayes

TimmyZ's picture

Why yes, Pete, it does.

Jack Fu's picture


Ahh Saturday's picture

Despite their performances against Akron and UConn, Michigan is still an undefeated team with a schedule that allows for gradual improvement.  Their toughest October game is on the 12th against an underwhelming PSU squad that has already lost at home to UCF.  By the time November rolls around though, they'd better have things straight there or they might not win a game all month, for reals:
11/2 @MSU
11/9 Nebraska
11/16 @NU
11/23 @Iowa
11/30 OSU

45has2's picture

Mary Sue Coleman called it the greatest weasel victory in history, even more epic than their 1891 beat down of Ann Arbor High School and waaaay more exciting than the 1896 whooping they administered to Grand Rapids High School.

"I don't like nice people. I like tough, honest people." -W.W. Hayes

BuckeyeInOrlando's picture

Johnny, you owe my boss a new keyboard, because I literally spit my Coke all over mine as I read this:

Like, most of the time my quips are passable and the words that I put in sequence with one another generally make sense potato.

Well played sir, well played.

BuckeyeVet's picture

My favorite line also. Laughed out loud.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."          - Groucho Marx

"The recipient of Oyster's ONLY down vote".

Earle's picture

Once again, Michigan struggled against weak competition.  Only last week it was during practice.

Have you tried Not Your Father's Root Beer?  It tastes just like the real thing, but it packs a punch (5.9%ABV).  It's a little sweet for me though.  Two is my limit.

Hovenaut's picture

Even though they emerged, uh, The Victors, they didn't garner any style points whatsoever. 
The weekly supply of doughnuts also delivered on time, unscathed. 

Earle's picture

Hoke loves bye weeks because he doesn't have to share the doughnuts with those few students who arrive early enough to take advantage of them.

Have you tried Not Your Father's Root Beer?  It tastes just like the real thing, but it packs a punch (5.9%ABV).  It's a little sweet for me though.  Two is my limit.

tennbuckeye19's picture

Breaking News Out of Ann Arbor: Confused with their BYE week and thinking their season is over, Michigan fans have already moved on to basketball.

teddyballgame's picture

Dantonio has somewhere between zero and four quarterbacks, with the smart money on zero. This confuses him to the point where in key moments, he might ask a freshman receiver to heave a trick pass into triple coverage for a “change of pace.”

Thanks for sharing the Woj article

hail2victors9's picture

For all of you that follow Michigan in your spare time, some interesting news just hit the interwebs:
Michigan Football
Hoke: If we were to kickoff today, Glasgow would play Center, Chris Bryant at Left Guard.

This is welcoming news to Wolverine fans.  Bryant is finally 100% and the switch adds 26 pounds of man to the line.

Jake Ryan has been participating in full contact drills.  He may dress, but unlikely to play Saturday vs Minnesota.

Gardner on critics of his play as of late, "When you play as bad as I've played, you kind of deserve it."

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!

~Bo Schembechler