With spring ball about to start, I figured it was high time to answer the question plaguing the mind of every Buckeye fan for the entirety of the offseason: which fonts best exemplify the personality traits of key members of this OSU football team?
Fear not, Buckeye faithful. This is why they pay me the big bucks. I’ve done ample research and compiled all the necessary evidence. So let’s jump right into Fontball.
The Research: Straight from Wichita
The good people at Wichita State University conducted a barnburner of a study back in 2006 and here's what they found:
This study sought to determine if certain personalities and uses are associated with various fonts. Using an online survey, participants rated the personality of 20 fonts using 15 adjective pairs. In addition, participants viewed the same 20 fonts and selected which uses were most appropriate. Results suggested that personality traits are indeed attributed to fonts based on their design family.
So there you have it: personality traits are attributed to fonts. So now let’s take it a step further and map those fonts to the personalities of certain Ohio State football players.
The Evidence: Fontacular Findings
Personality Trait: Stable
Buckeye Football Player: Carlos Hyde
If you need yards, you can count on Carlos to get them. The man is a rock. Nothing more stable than a rock.
Personality Trait: Flexible
Buckeye Football Player: Jordan Hall
What are you, Jordan? RB? WR? Punt returner? Percy Harvin? Doesn’t matter – you can do it all. (When you’re healthy…stay healthy).
Personality Trait: Mature
Buckeye Football Player: Adolphus Washington
Need a freshman to step in and fill the shoes of your team’s defensive leader during the Michigan game? No sweat. Adolphus has your back to the tune of a sack and a forced fumble.
Personality Trait: Assertive
Buckeye Football Player: Bradley Roby
He talks the talk, he walks the walk and he’s able to assert his dominance on the game from an island.
Personality Trait: Creative
Buckeye Football Player: Braxton Miller
He’s an artist out there. The field is his canvas and broken ankles are his watercolors. When it’s all said and done, the canvas is covered in watercolors.
Personality Trait: Exciting
Buckeye Football Player: Devin Smith
Devin Smith is exciting because no one else you know can do this. If you didn’t leave your seat in a sudden surge of ecstasy during this play, you’re dead.
Personality Trait: Masculine
Buckeye Football Player: Ryan Shazier
Ryan Shazier is a man. You know it, Ohio State knows it and Zach Maynard knows it.
Personality Trait: Happy
Buckeye Football Player: Kenny Guiton
The kid always has a smile on his face. I guess it's easy to be happy when you led one of the greatest Buckeye football comebacks of the decade.
Yes, Comic Sans again because why not? Dan Gilbert agrees.
Personality Trait: Youthful
Buckeye Football Coach: Kerry Coombs
This is how he acts in public. I can only imagine how he is in the locker room. Don’t let the gray fool you – Coombs is a kid in a candy store out there.
So there you have it, folks. Fonts have personality, and so does this Buckeye team. Advice to all upcoming opponents: don't meet Shazier in the open field. If you do, there's a strong chance he'll Rockwell Extra Bold you into next week.