B1G Recap: Full House

By Johnny Ginter on October 7, 2012 at 1:01p
25 Comments

LIES, ALL LIES. The Big Ten is a house of lies built upon a foundation of quackery, where good men go to see their fortunes ruined in the most spectacular of manners. Abandon hope, all ye who bother to watch one of our games in a fit of boredom. Bad is still bad, good is bad, and actually good is ineligible.

If you enjoy this show, even ironically, I hate your guts

So yeah, pretty much the same week as it's been for the entirety of the season. There were four non-Ohio State games played yesterday in the B1G, and all of them were stupid or useless in their own unique way. Like, as a guy who writes about sports, I try to come up with things to talk about that eventually form some kind of cohesive whole. It helps people more easily digest what's going on, and builds momentum going into the next week of games. Narratives can suck if too broad, like ESPN tends to go for, or if they're just complete BS (ESPN again), or if they're both and repeated ad nauseam for maximum viewer rage (oh hello there Entertainment and Sports Programming Network), but they're not always bad if handled correctly.

But the problem is that beyond "these teams are utter balls" I don't have a ton to go on with the Big Ten this year. Some teams are utter balls one week, and the next week they're making a presumed Big Ten favorite look like also balls, and then the week after that Team A is right back to being regular balls that they were the first week. My only salve for this (aside from Ohio State) WAS Northwestern, which I've decided is my spirit animal, but of course that went the way of balls, too.

It's a pain, but let's check out this week in B1G football anyway and see just how badly everybody managed to screw things up.

WISCONSIN 31, Illinois 14

I'm going to take a step back from my Bret Bielema Gilgameshian epic this week to point out that despite the ESPN headline "Joel Stave throws 2 TDs as Wisconsin gets back on track in Big Ten," Wisconsin is not "back" in any way, shape, or form. Most people reading the final score and the recap might overlook the fact that this game was 7-10 in favor of the Badgers entering into the 4th quarter, and it took Montee Ball actually looking what Montee Ball is supposed to look like (19 carries, 116 yards) to salt the game away.

My point is this: Wisconsin at this point is more or less a mirror image of Michigan State. Bielema is doing the coaching equivalent of dutch ovening his quarterbacks by rotating them every other quarter, and frankly the whole team seems like they'd rather be on the sidelines than out on the field pretending to think about Bret's pregame speech about how he got trashed at the Hooter's in Vegas that one time.

Michigan 44, Purdue 13

Whatever Denard, shut up. I don't even care that you "exposed" Purdue by rushing for 235 yards against them and ended up accounting for 83% of Michigan's total yardage. We both know that you are literally the only functional part of the Michigan offense right now and we can basically flip a coin to determine if you're going to be on the field for the entirety of any given quarter. You've got 676 yards of rushing through six games, but 453 of those yards came against two opponents comprised of teams made of every kid picked last at recess ever.

Purdue, don't even look at me. You were supposed to be Not Bad. How in the hell can you have a QB complete 16 passes for a total of 105 yards? I only wish there had been a recording of Robert Marve's wearied sigh as he was asked to play in the second half; it'd totally be my new ringtone.

MICHIGAN STATE 31, INDiana 27

"Poppa, tell me about the Great Sparty Comeback of 2012!"

"Well sure, son! It all started on a cold October afternoon, as the mighty Spartans from East Lansing endured all manners of tricks and lies and deception from their opponent, falling behind 17 points in the first quarter."

Awful. Just awful.

"Oh no! Then what happened?!?"

"Le'Veon Bell gathered up all his strength, and with a Herculean effort ran an Iso play 37 times right into the teeth of their mighty foe."

"WOW! He musta gained like 300 yards!"

"Well, no. It was more like 121 for 3.3 yards per carry. But nonetheless! A Herculean effort to not die or fumble. Anyway, mighty MSU skillfully allowed the villains to rack up 27 first-half points, before an equal show of skill saw them storm back on the shoulders of a barely adequate QB performance by Andrew Maxwell to win the game near the end of the 4th quarter."

"Gee whiz! So who'd they play? Alabama? Ohio State? USC?"

"...No son. It... it wasn't any of those teams. Go to bed."

Penn State 39, Northwestern 28

Oh hey, thanks for rewarding my faith in you, Northwestern. I call you my spirit animal and everything and you completely blow it against a team literally no one outside of a small town in rural Pennsylvania is rooting for. Through your tepid and embarrassing performance, you've proven (IN AN IRONIC TWIST) that you truly are my spirit animal. Well done. You suck.

On the other side, Bill O'Brien has somehow cobbled together an offense centered around Matt McGimli, son of Gloin. Which is actually kind of infuriating. 11W's own Alex says that PSU is a future trap game for Ohio State, and he might be right. As much as I hate to admit it, McGloin, who went 35/51 for 282 yards in this game, might be evolving into a functional quarterback. Add in a decentish RB in Zach Zwinak, and you've got an offense that does the devil's work in making Penn State fans feel some measure of joy not rooted in lighting incense candles for their Joe Paterno shrines.

...

And that's it! Another Big Ten week down the toilet, I hope you took as much perverse pleasure in it as I did! See you next week.

25 Comments

Comments

luckynewman13's picture

"Matt McGimli, son of Gloin."
priceless

USAFBuckeye82's picture

I agree, that almost made me piss myself..lmao!!

chicagobuckeye's picture

My favorite CFB weekly wrap up. 
"I'm going to take a step back from my Bret Bielema Gilgameshian epic this week"
Why its the best part?

Johnny Ginter's picture

the real answer is that it's also the part that takes me the longest to write and due to my body entering some kind of cryostasis to recover from this weekend, i didnt really have a lot of time to finish the post

chicagobuckeye's picture

That is completely fair.  Regardless good work can't wait for next weeks edition.

njc2o's picture

i had a dream john simon was chasing me :(

MediBuck's picture

Fixed:

i had a dream john simon was chasing me :D

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

Buckeye_Mafia's picture

Who is T-Magic for $500 Alex?!?

Adolphus Washington is half grizzly bear and half dragon | Noah Spence kills quarterbacks, just to watch them die.

wahoobuck's picture

Perfect description of how Sparty will remember that game. I hate them more than Michigan right now

This is my house, I have to defend it

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

Northwestern was a complete disappointment!  Seriously - PSU is terrible and yet they managed to lay a complete egg. 
Denard - you're a loser and you were greatly exposed by two different teams - it will be a third come November!  I can't wait until Big Hank shoves your dreads into the turf over and over until you cry uncle Brutus!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

STRAWMAN's picture

kudos for the best LOTR/Hobbit reference I've seen online for some time

TheBadOwl's picture

"A team that literally nobody outside of a small town in rural Pennsylvania is rooting for"
 
.....Unless you're Kirk Herbstreit, who said last night something along the lines of "How can you not cheer for this team with everything they've been through? Bill O'Brien is the only choice for B1G coach of the year so far."
 
Like, I get it, they've been decent lately. But, despite the mass exodus of talent from their team, they still have more talent than every team they've played so far. But if we go undefeated and Penn State goes like 8-4 or something, there's no way Bill O'Brien should get the award over Urbz.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

Estrada's picture

That's absolutely true, but they'll still give it to BOB (for further evidence look at Ferentz's B1G accolades in comparison to Tress).  Hell, they'll probably give it to him if Urbz goes undefeated and BOB goes 7-5.

onetwentyeight's picture

THEY LOST TO A MAC TEAM YOU DONT WIN B1G COY IF YOU DO THAT
 
/end rant
/caps lock rage 

MediBuck's picture

I've already accepted that B1G COY is going to BoB. The rest of the Big Ten is full of haters wo disapprove of Coach Urban's "unsportsmanlike ways". What they refuse to acknowledge is that it is precisely Meyer's philosophy which will improve the competitiveness of this conference--or they can choose to reject it and spend the rest of their existences being ground into the dirt by the Buckeye bulldozer.

"There is a force that makes us all brothers, no one goes his way alone." --Woody Hayes

Abe Froman's picture

I wouldn't make him angry.  But I agree and this is the reason I didn't want to see PSU end up over .500 this year.  We would hear how "they pulled it all together for the school!" and "...after all they have been through..."
  

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

It still pisses me off that Tressel never received that award!  Outright and complete bullshit!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

cplunk's picture

If you told me we could hit 100 for any one game, I'd have hard time picking between TSUN, Wisky, and PSU.
Ths year my hate is about even. Plus I don't tick we'll need anywhere close to 100 against TSUN, and the nine interceptions will embarrass Denard sufficiently.

Ill_Buckeye's picture

"You've got 676 yards of rushing through six games, but 453 of those yards came against two opponents comprised of teams made of every kid picked last at recess ever."
This.
Forever.

GoBucks713's picture

After all of the drinking done yesterday at ETB, this should have been called B1G barfcap. 

-The Aristocrats!

Abe Froman's picture

Luckily standing next to the railing made me look taller when standing near Finkes.  Back Nine was some good stuff.  

Basking in the wake of mediocrity.....

WiliestBuckeye's picture

For some reason, when I think of a "barfcap" I think of a cap made out of barf. Ewww. I would like to thank my brain for this wonderful image. Y'all can continue talking about OSU now.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

toledobuckeyefanjim's picture

I think ESPN is rooting for Penn State. Anytime they gain a yard or two, the announcers are excited.

larzdapunk's picture

I don't really care who wins the B1G coach of the year award.  Bill O'Brien turned walk-on Matt "Moxie" McGloin into a serviceable QB on a team that has virtually no offensive weapons.  Bravo.  I only care who the conference champion is.  
Also: DJ Tanner was so hot in the 90s.  Had the hugest crush on her. 

dtanmango's picture

Regarding Denard, "we can basically flip a coin to determine if you're going to be on the field for the entirety of any given quarter. You've got 676 yards of rushing through six games, but 453 of those yards came against two opponents comprised of teams made of every kid picked last at recess ever."
Absolutely brilliant.
 

-dtan