The Long Dark Half-Time of the Soul Part 2

By Johnny Ginter on July 2, 2012 at 3:00p
21 Comments
A little shimmy with that shake

Oh, okay Jeff Beck. I see your little game. You fancy, huh? Build us all up to think that Ohio State is going to go undefeated one week, and then pull the rug out from under us the next? How do you expect us to handle that, mentally? Seriously, after the past 15 months or so, the collective Ohio State fandom has suffered mental blow after mental blow, and frankly I don't know that our collective consciousness can handle this kind of psychic taunting.

"But Johnny, didn't you do that last week? You know, get in Jeff's face about him saying how OSU could go undefeated and then you proclaiming that they'd go 0-6 to start the season, apparently out of pure spite?"

Shut up. No I didn't. Well, yes I did, but that's beside the point. All I'm trying to do is reach back to our contrarian roots as a fanbase, you know? Reach into that dark pit that we call a soul and find that familiar voice that says "NUH-UH," like so many arguments about Luigi being in Super Mario 64 (not everybody's uncle can work for Nintendo. It's just not possible.) So is it hypocritical to say that Ohio State will steamroll through its' final six opponents in 2012 like ice cream through my lactose-intolerant intestines when I predicted the opposite last week? Kind of, but just roll with it.

It all comes down to this: last week I brought you despair, so this week I will bring you hope. Not to distress you, but I bring this token of light because if there's anybody who can replicate Jim Tressel's absolutely insane late-season prowess (29-4 in November as the Ohio State head coach), it's Urban Meyer. And also to rub it in Jeff Beck's face GOD I just hate him so much.

AT INDIANA- 10/13

Ah yes, Bloomington. Lake Havasu for Ohio State fans. Indiana was 1-11 last year, 0-10 against the FBS, and 0-0 against teams that felt that they didn't have at least a shot at beating the absolute living crap out of them. The Hoosiers are supposed to be better this season in Kevin Wilson's second year at the helm, but I feel like "better" will entail something like "nobody got knocked out by an errant bocce ball thrown by grandma over Thanksgiving." I fully expect Indiana to become the L7Weenies to Urban Meyer's Squints Palledorous over the years (read: we will beat them a lot).

PURDUE- 10/20

Toot toot Purdue sucks. Yes, they beat Ohio State last year, but yeah, woo, huge accomplishment. If you need overtime and a missed extra point to beat a team you might as well have lost to them.  Most of the principals on last years' Boilermaker team comes back (including Danny Hope's mustache, which gives him his power), which is good because they  are going to walk into an Ohio Stadium filled with 105,000 hateful, angry people looking for revenge for what they did to poor little Luke Fickell. I guess Caleb TerBush isn't that TerRible (thanks, that's the 1000th time that joke has been made, I just won a free Denny's Grand Slam breakfast), but his big goofy butt should be kept busy by the OSU d-line.

Also, I'm pretty sure no one wants to see a Purdue with any kind of swag or bravado ever again. How would they even handle that kind of success? Pocket protectors with naked babes on em? Using Amazing Fantasy #15 for rolling paper? Lightswitch rave in the testing lab? Blech.

RAAARAAA I'M JOHN HENRY HANKINS

AT PENN STATE- 10/27

Oh God, this is just going to be awful. Last week I pointed out that it was going to be hard to make jokes about Penn State, and that was before I realized that we're going to play these idiots right before Halloween. All I'm going to say about the Nittany Lions is that I feel bad for Bill O'Brien because he's like a dude who walks into a room right after a person ripped a massive fart and ditched, and now he's going to get dirty looks for no real reason. Except in this case it's not a fart, it's a pedophile that the previous head coach covered for and allowed to continue raping children. Crappy team aside, O'Brien is walking into a minefield and his only hope of coming out unscathed is if Silas Redd is the second coming of Ki-Jana Carter. And if he is, as a Bengals fan that will make me very nervous.

ILLINOIS- 11/3

Look, I like Tim Beckman a lot. He's like a diet Ron Zook, in that large doses of him are still fun to have, but it won't kill you slowly over several years of continuous consumption. Which is unfortunate because since WR AJ Jenkins is gone, Beckman will somehow have to find a way to make up literally half of Illinois' receptions from last year (I think that's the most hilarious stat I've found while writing these things). Also QB Nathan Scheelhaase isn't that great and RB Donovonn Young probably won't be... wait a minute.

"Scheelhaase"??? "Donovonn"? Do these dudes get more scholarship money for extra vowels or something? What the hell? Anyway, Illinois will be a mess, and I'll laugh pretty hard if they show any part of a pre-game speech where Beckman is telling his guys that they can walk into Ohio Stadium in November and take it to the Buckeyes.

AT WISCONSIN- 11/17

I was going to say, "Oh cool, another Wisconsin QB sprung up from their clone army" but Bielema decided to go Hessians again and get another transfer, Danny O'Brien from Maryland. O'Brien isn't Russell Wilson, and OSU's d-line isn't going to be the d-line from last year, but in a good way. Yeah that's right, I said it, I'm a Montee Ball skeptic, and if he doesn't get rolling then basically the only dude they have to throw to is WR James Abbrederis because they're trying to break in a new TE and the other projected starter is a guy named Jeff Duckworth. Yes, really.

"QUACK QUACK MR. DUCKWORTH," said CJ Barnett as he slammed the junior WR to the turf for a 4 yard loss.

MICHIGAN- 11/24

Football Armageddon. You know how that 1 vs 2 game in '06 was supposed to be The Big One? I tend to disagree with that statement. Not because it wasn't a blast (it was) or that the game wasn't good (on the edge of my seat), but because it was more like a huge party, tempered with Bo's death, that was a culmination of a season we had been stoked about from the beginning. It was simply a lot of fun and a celebration of college football.

That's not what this game is. This is 2004, when Ohio State came into The Game as 6-4 home dogs and pissed off. Never in my life have I seen that kind of rage in that many people; if we had lost that game I'm pretty sure Ohio State fans as a collective psychic entity would've turned Columbus into a black hole of firey death. Jolly Brady Hoke and his team will bumble into a cauldron of 105,000 furious Ohioans wanting to exact vengeance for last year, for Jim Tressel, and for a ridiculous bowl ban that never should have been. It will be a bloodbath.

And that's it! It's going to be one hell of a ride and I hope you all enjoy it, whether we finish 0-12, 6-6, *cough9-3cough* or 12-0.

21 Comments

Comments

BrewstersMillions's picture

Fitting. I read this, flip on BTN and what do I see? The UM OSU replay! What part of the game did I see, you ask? Why I'll tell you. Denard feeding himself.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

Ethos's picture

This is going to be an entertaining season to watch.  From wanting to see our new offense start to blossom to wanting to see how Meyer will do when we lose games (cause I think 9-3 is as good as it's going to get next year), to wanting to spoil everybody's season.  I won't be missing any games.  

"What do you need water for, Sunshine?!" - Coach Coombs, if you don't love this man, you have no soul.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

I absolutely don't see us losing to baby Bret Bielma or Flounder Hoke! 
Urban is going to go out of his way to crush and humiliate baby Bret for his ridiculous recruiting tantrum he throw.  Urban is incredibly pissed off and I don't see him as the forgiving type when it comes to these type of situations.  I can see Braxton, already up by 30, in the 4th Qtr tossing 30 yard bombs into the end zone!
There is no way Flounder Hoke comes into the Shoe, in Urban's The Game debut. as our bowl game, and leaves without getting destroyed.  There is one way to make a very large and loud statement to a young recruit thinking of going to AACC over OSU and that is administering a massive beatdown of said foe in the presence of 105,000 rabid Buckeye fans.  This one is going to be a nasty one!!!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

Doc's picture

Arizona, I agree with you on both points.  Urban reminds me of woody.  Woody lost to Indy once and swore he never would again, and he didn't.  Urban seems a little like that.  I think he took the Beliemia fit personally and he will make it his mission to beat him badly as often as physically possible. 
Flounder and his band of misfit toys are cannon fodder.  This is going to be a freaking blood bath.  They will probably come in to our house already the Leaders division B1G champion and have their ticket punched for Indy.  Stomping them into the turf will be a fun afternoon.

"Say my name."

Boom777's picture

The Purdue one is best" for what they did poor little Luke fickel!"

Wherever you are, there you be!

Doc's picture

"Toot toot Purdue sucks."  Sentences like these make 11W the pinnacle of Buckeye sites.  Now and forever.

"Say my name."

Poison nuts's picture

I laughed to myself for several minutes when I read that one...

"Death created time to grow the things that it would kill" - Detective Rustin Cohle.

timdogdad's picture

i hope the  flounder ohio crap will haunt them. they  already lost to the bob cats in the bball tourney.  i hope it makes john simon just pissed enough to make one last tackle on a 4th down to win the game.   flounder is just adding bulletin material and messin with karma.  the loss to the bobcats was only the first punishment..

hail2victors9's picture

Confused on how a loss in basketball to a sweet sixteen team affects a football team the following year.  I'm sure that will be flowing through Brady's skull when he's on the sideline across from Urban.

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!
~Bo Schembechler

schooey's picture

Damnit! Will you all just stop?! I can't be getting this excited about a football game that is so many months away. But to agree with the rosier prognostications, if everyone is healthy and the new offense if clicking... who is going to beat us? Seriously. Personally, and I am not completely sure why, I think that the Michigan St. game is going to be the most difficult. Also, Michigan St. is going to beat Fichigan. 

avail31678's picture

I'm kinda with you on this, Schooey.  MSU is the only real good D we're going to see.  There's competent D's out there, but we scored fairly well (considering our anemic offense) in the big games (Nebraska, Wisconsin, TTUN).  Wisconsin is also always a concern, even playing in Madison, but I just think Urban will have special plans for that game.  And we shut DOWN Wisconsin (and Montee Ball) for 75% of last year's game. 
 
Grrr.....I'm getting so excited too!  This summer needs to fly by.

Buckeye_Mafia's picture

I think that there is going to be some serious growing pains with this offense. With the lack of play making ability at WR and the lack of depth on the line, I think the offense struggles a bit still. Urbanator's offense is great, but it won't be amazing in one season. Especially if our WR's suck. And God forbid we have ANOTHER significant injury (Jordan Hall) that costs us games. I think by year two, we will be playing above and beyond everyone's expectations. I can see us losing to MSU, Wiskey, Nebraska, and Michigan. Maybe even PSU. I would love to see us run the table, but there are too many issues on offense to expect that.

Adolphus Washington is half grizzly bear and half dragon | Noah Spence kills quarterbacks, just to watch them die.

Johnny Ginter's picture

in all seriousness, i agree with you. meyer's offense won't be installed in a year to perfection, and that's gonna cost us some games. if we had a proven starting RB to fall back on i'd feel better about losing hall, but right now i'm pinning most of my hopes on el guapo (who i actually think is super legit but also raw)

schooey's picture

I'm not sure the offense needs to be perfect. A little bit of the old and new might just do the trick. I mean, even in the old offense there was the potential to run over and run down defenses and Hall was not the one to do it. We have to look at the competition. It is not like we are facing Alabama every game (especially the first game LOL). I am really trying to be pessimistic but I'm really not sure who can beat us if the Bucks play their best and they play their best. 

Johnny Ginter's picture

phil steele is super high on UCF this year, and it's mainly on the strength of their defense. i kind of buy that, and i think the moral of the story is that any team that can contain braxton has a shot at us. not saying i expect UCF to beat us, but i think Michigan, MSU, and Wisconsin are going to very tough games for us

Bucks43201's picture

yes...UCF will be good this year. Their D is usually tough, & I think they have a Mizzou transfer @ QB, and a Miami transfer @ RB, fwiw

"You win with people." - Woody Hayes

avail31678's picture

Agreed.  In fact, Miami aside, we were within 1 TD of winning EVERY game we lost last year.  Add to that, our D was not in its usual form (at least not for a full 4 quarters...ahem...Nebraska/Wisconsin games). 
AND this was all with a horribly anemic offense.
I absolutely agree there COULD be offensive growing pains.  But you still have to look what Urban has done in his first season everywhere he's gone.  He will make the offense more productive than last year's (heck, I could!).  And our D will be better - perhaps significantly so - than last year's. 
We have to drop a game or two just because going undefeated is so difficult.  But on paper, only MSU and Wisky really worry me - and that's only because MSU's D is top-notch, and because Wisky is at Wisky, where they rarely lose.
This season needs to start now.

Irricoir's picture

Add to that, our D was not in its usual form (at least not for a full 4 quarters...ahem...Nebraska/Wisconsin games).

True enough but you can also say that every defense in the nation is going to be tired and less productive when the offense consistently goes 3 and out. Against Nebraska, Bauserman, whom I dislike "as a player" only topped by Justin Zwick, couldn't perform in a wet dream. He sustained not one drive and pushed all momentum to the Corny's. The same goes for Miami. I think our defense looks twice as good this year due to having more depth and experience but more so due to our more efficient offense.

I don't always take names when I kick ass but when I do, they most often belong to a Wolverine.

avail31678's picture

@B-Mafia:
I commented on the O below, so I won't repeat here.  But I'm a little more hopeful about our WRs this year.  Sure, no one's proven yet.  But I think there's potential - like a lot.  Michael Thomas was stellar in the spring game.  Devin Smith caught one pass in the spring game and seemed to accelerate to top gear almost instantaneously.  I also think our offense will pass more than 15 times a game and actually get B-Miller and our WR's some reps to get better. 
Agreed, though - WR's are as of yet unproven.  And agreed that the offense could definitely have some growing pains (I think we just graduated from "clown show" to "competent").  BUT, how much worse can our offense be than last year's???  And we almost won all of our games, save for Miami.
And, finally, agreed that we should all lower our expectations a bit.  Urban's offense, though I think will be better, will not be super amazing in just the 1st season. 

hail2victors9's picture

Mr. Ginter,
This is far and away my favorite piece not focusing on the Michigan/OSU rivalry that I've seen on here.  Witty, well-written, and entertaining.  Well done!  I agree with 90 % of it, and the 10% surprisingly involves Illinois, not Michigan.  And it's not that I disagree with your prediction about Illinois having a tough year, but I would just be aware of the trap game.  Remember, it's not always the big names that ruin teams title hopes---Purdue in '09 for you guys, Iowa st. last year for Okie St., Iowa has had our number lately, etc. 
Again, really enjoyed the write up.

Those who stay will be CHAMPIONS!
~Bo Schembechler

Johnny Ginter's picture

thanks for the kind words, and believe me, i know. hell i don't think we will, but it's not unfathomable that we lose to UCF