Office Space

By Ramzy Nasrallah on October 17, 2011 at 2:00p
56 Comments

The Ohio State football team has reached its bye week with a 4-3 record. For only the fourth time in 11 years, the Buckeyes will end up with at least three losses - and there are still five games left to play. This season, which has has been defined by anxiousness and uncertainty has now added on-the-field performance to its list of troubling issues. The stalwart, stingy defense that has carried the team for most of the past decade has been unable to completely obscure the offense's deficiencies and the result is a 4-3 record that nobody finds acceptable.

Luke Fickell is a little more than halfway through his head coaching tryout and the mood around the Woody Hayes Athletic Complex is one of nervousness: On Saturday morning before the game at Illinois, university administration quietly announced that traditional midseason performance reviews have been postphoned in order to carry out a new project being driven by "an anonymous but significant community powerbroker, Board of Trustee member and renown industry titan who conquered the international panty market."

While temporary job security has been the staff-wide assumption ever since Jim Tressel resigned in May, the BoT has accelerated its evaluation of the football operations, bringing in two world-renown efficiency consultants - Bob Slydell (left, above) and Bob Porter - to conduct meticulous interviews of specific coaches to assess how the operation is being run in 2011.

Eleven Warriors has acquired a portion of the transcript from the interviews that were conducted at the WHAC this past Sunday, October 16 following the team's triumphant return from Champaign.


(shuffling papers) Bob, who do we have first?

(looking at agenda) Hmm...it says we're meeting with a "Coach Tressel." (pauses) Wow - I absolutely love that guy, but I was under the impression that he no longer worked here.

[Dick Tressel enters]

Hello, gentlemen.

Hello, Coach Tressel.

You're Coach Tressel. Is that your real name?

Yeah.

Are you any relation to the football coach who wears the sweater vest?

(hesitant; reluctant) ...Yes, the name more than just a coincidence.

(Laughing) To be honest with you, I love his coaching. I do. I am a Coach Tressel fan. For my money, I don't think it gets any better than when he runs off tackle for 32 consecutive quarters and goes 8-0 in conference play.


(looking at Tressel) I mean, you must really love his coaching.

Yeah. Yeah…he, he, he's pretty, he's pretty good, I guess.

You're GOD DAMN right he is!

So tell me...what's your favorite coaching strategy of his?

Hmm. I, I, I don't know. I mean, I guess, I sorta like 'em all.

[Bob and Bob laugh]

HA HA! I feel the exact same way, but it must be hard for you, I mean, having the same name as him. I celebrate the guy's entire catalogue. But anyway, let's get down to business, Coach Tressel!

You...you know, you can just call me Dick.

(staring silently in disapproval)

(glaring angrily)


[Thirty minutes later. Bob and Bob are now interviewing Jim Bollman]

(reading season play-by-play log) So...what you do is take a handful of arbitrary, predictable plays and tell the players to run them at random?

That, uh, that's right.

Well, then I gotta ask, then why can't the players just choose and run those same arbitrary plays by themselves?

Well, uh, uh, uh, oy, oy, oy because, uh, players are not good at dealing with making decisions at random.

You, yourself created the predictable plays in this playbook that you choose from with no particular rhyme or reason during the course of a game?

Um, no, my old boss created those plays.

But you randomly choose from those plays, without any regard to what's happening in the game? Like calling draw plays when there hasn't been any real attempt to pass the ball, telegraphing inside handoffs right into the teeth of the defense, having Joe Bauserman launch the ball toward the sideline in an obvious clock-running situation or running play-action on third and 17?

Well, no, I let the backup quarterbacks do that. Yeah...I mean, um, oy, sometimes.

Well Coach Bollman, what would you say…you do here?

Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the god damn playcalling so the players don't have to!! I have coaching skills!! I am good at dealing with players!!! Can't you understand that?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!!!!!!


[Thirty minutes later.]

The next paper looks like a "Mike Vrabel."

[Vrabel enters]

Aha! All right. We were just talking about you. You must be Mike Vrabel. Uh huh. Terrific. I'm Bob Slydell and this is my associate, Bob Porter.

(looks at Porter) Hey, brah. (nods at Slydell) Brah.

You see, what we're trying to do here, we're just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you?

Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the side door at the WHAC, that way Luke can't see me. Uh, and after that, I throw in a fresh lipper and just sorta rage for about an hour.

Rage?

Yeah. I just throw myself around shouting Puddle of Mudd lyrics and screaming at the players, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, with another fresh lipper. I'd probably, say, in a given week, I probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.

Uh, Mike, would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more?

Sure, bros. Let me tell you about what this "offense" does to our defense...

[Fifteen minutes later, Vrabel has not stopped talking]

The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy. It's just that I just don't care.

Don't...don't care?

It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now, we can have the defense grinding and getting our sacks on with awesome three-and-outs all up in the stadium and three plays later, we're punting and they're right back on the field after barely a minute to chill. We end up playing three games in one and get blamed by these "lose as a team" goats when we finally run out of steam. It's bogus, brah. So where's the motivation?

Believe me, this is hypocritical. But what if you were offered some kind of longer-term incentive, or late-game performance reward?

I don't know. I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been pretty rad talking to you guys.

[Vrabel bro-hugs Bob and Bob]

Absolutely. The pleasure is all on this side of the table, trust me.

Good luck with your layoffs. I hope your firings go really well.

Wow.


[An hour later. Bob and Bob are now meeting with Gene Smith and Gordon Gee]

Right. So there's a couple more people we can easily lose. There's Jim Bollman.

He's useless.

Gone.

Sounds good to me.

Here's a peculiar one: Nick Siciliano.

Who's he?

The "quarterbacks coach."

Really?

We can't find any record of him being a university employee.

(looking through paperwork) I looked into it more deeply and found what happened - he was hired as a practical joke six years ago and terminated after one game, but no one ever told him about it. But through a glitch in payroll, he still gets a paycheck. I went ahead and fixed the glitch.

Great.

So, um, this "Nick" has been let go.

Just a second there, Professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore. So it'll just work itself out naturally.
We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible. The problem is solved from here on, then.

[Everyone laughs]

Uh, we should move on to a Mike Vrabel. I had a chance to meet this young position coach and boy does he have straight-to-upper-management written all over him.

Ooh, uh, yeah. I'm going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah. Uh, he's been real flaky lately and I'm not sure that he's the caliber person you want for upper management.

(looking at Slydell) I'll handle this. We feel that the problem isn't with Vra-bro.

Nope.

It's that you haven't challenged him enough to get him motivated by handcuffing him and the rest of this talented staff to the grossly underperforming, leftover cronies of the previous head coach who have mismanaged the roster, the playbook, all of the quarterbacks and virtually everything else that they come into contact with while on the job.

There it is.

Yeah, I'm not sure about that now.

Alright, Gene. Let me ask you this: How would you say you have handled your job over the past ten months?

Yeah...

[End of transcript]

56 Comments

Comments

Hoff_TBDBITL's picture

Gold.

T-Row, The Row, The Quality Row!

SLVRBLLTS's picture

If it weren't for 11W I wouldn't get out of bed until 2012 Spring Game.

"Because we couldn't go for three"

Luke's picture

We should really probably add this to the ol' business cards.

robert goulet's picture

Oh God, that's beautiful Ramzy.  So I guess this all ends with Siciliano mumbling about how his playbook was taken and never given back while the WHAC mysteriously goes down in flames?

Buckeye_Mafia's picture

That was effing hilarious! Oy, oy, oy!!!

Adolphus Washington is half grizzly bear and half dragon | Noah Spence kills quarterbacks, just to watch them die.

themostbrian's picture

Absolute brilliance.

Maestro's picture

Ha!!

vacuuming sucks

BucksfanXC's picture

Oh god that is hilarious!

Siciliano burning down the WHAC has been happening for years now. It's a slow burn.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Nappy's picture

I almost lost my shit when I saw the walrus.  This article should come with a disclaimer for those reading at work.  Well done, sir. Well done.

Fan of bacon since 1981

Normal Buck's picture

Same here.  Still LMAO!

 

BrewstersMillions's picture

I don't even know how to respond to this. My jaw is on the floor. Just amazing.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

rkylet83's picture

This is most brilliant post ever!!!

Bruce's picture

Another classic Ramzy. (Sort of reminds me of your "15 Days" narrative.)

From the 2007 HBO special ---->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iI7x_DDPcLo

Buckeyejason's picture

Wow absolutely brilliant! Bravo..another reason why this is the best place on the interwebs.

BUCKEYES BABY!

6stringSteve's picture

Uhmmm....yeah.   

Hilarious!

TheHumbleBuckeye's picture

Nick SiciliaNOTGONNAWORKHEREANYMORE!

Nappy's picture

Nice!

Fan of bacon since 1981

Doc's picture

Noice! 

"Say my name."

AcrossTheField11's picture

Time and change will surely show how firm they friendship... O-HI-O.

AltaBuck's picture

Bollman is a walking TPS report

I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon. - Crash Davis

BucksfanXC's picture

That lucky bastard used his Nat'l Championship car wreck settlement to make a board game: Jump to a New Head Coach. It's a mat, with new HCs on it that you can literally jump to!

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

Defend Youngstown's picture

I was dying the whole through Vrabel, from "Brah" on.

robert goulet's picture

We're all being put on white-collar resort probation, right?

Colin's picture

HAHAHAHA this was awesome...that's all I have to say.

timdogdad's picture

funny thing is that-and my dad noticed this too-  if you put the big glasses, shirt and tie on ron zook he would look just like bill lumberg.  " ah yeah, if you could just go ahead and  run that play on 4th down and not kick the field goal, that would be great."       

Doug Buckles's picture

A ten! A fucking ten!

timdogdad's picture

two tidbits i thought of saturday:  along the lines of the inside joke t-shirts that are floating around, would a "walrusball" shirt be an idea worth looking into? one would be pretty popular hitting a halloween party in the 614 with such shirt.   maybe a picture of a walrus with a caption " we're number 108  out of 120" 

and two, has anyone seen the credit card commercial with peggy and he calls herbstreit? i know herbie is just "acting" in the commercial but he looks like a total hollywood prima donna b#$ch.   

BuckeyeChris's picture

...the envelope please!  Brilliant! 

 

Sorry to go off-topic, but I have a quick question for the 11W staff and the general public.  Is there any timeline available for when we (tOSU) can expect a ruling from on high (the NCAA)?  I am strongly of the opinion that the sooner we hear from them, no matter the penalty, thus begins "the beginning of the end (of this prison tale)." 

The last I heard was 6-8 weeks from the 8-12-11, hearing...but that was nine weeks ago. 

Thanks! 

Jason Priestas's picture

It was definitely postponed when the Digeronimo stuff hit a few weeks ago. I think best case would be mid to end of November, but could also see this thing stretching out into early next year.

BuckeyeChris's picture

Thanks, Jason. Am I right that dragging this on is worse than the actual punishment could ever be? It just seems that once we know the official/final punishment we can "move on" as a program. Until then... 

Jason Priestas's picture

Completely. Let's haver our lashes and get it over with. If Ohio State does get a bowl ban and the NCAA wants to hand it to them this year (they won't), even better.

Bucks's picture

Saturday, November 26th - 9:26am:

 

Ohio State has run the table on the season and is sitting in the drivers seat. Win the division & angels sing in regard to getting to the conference championship. The NCAA in all their fury unleashes, informing us all that it matters not if we win ... we will not be eligible.

Ohio State takes the field. Short of mass murder, they victimize Hokey Pokey. He leaves the field without a handshake and Luke Fickell shaves his head.

 

No chance really ... but could happen & if we got to that point, it would.

Bucks's picture

OH, Jason is forced to switch to a scarlet box for bad news and the other for good. Yup.

NoVA Buckeye's picture

how ironic, didnt petrino do that this year against lsu?

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

theDuke's picture

it was postponed until january sometime due to the DiGeronimo bs.

theDuke

BuckeyeChris's picture

Thanks, TheDuke. We're totally screwed then. That's all you had to say. "We're totally screwed." That's amazing. No one (insert big name, I prefer "proven" coach, here) is going to sign on to this in December and wait it out until January. Fickell will be the coach next year, by default, at a minium and we better just hope he fires Bollman.

Someone PLEASE tell me I'm far off on this!?

How on earth can a murder trial take 2 weeks and this is going to drag through January?!

 

Bruce's picture

I hadn't heard that yet, January.

It was thought it would come down sometime in Oct. Then the DiGeronimo stuff happened, and Gene Smith said it would most probably be delayed a couple more weeks. Which I took as being sometime in November.

Unless I missed something.

From the 2007 HBO special ---->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iI7x_DDPcLo

Tails's picture

This is quite possibly the best article I have ever read....

BucksfanXC's picture

Sweet avatar.

“Any time you give a man something he doesn't earn, you cheapen him. Our kids earn what they get, and that includes respect.”  - Woody

BoFuquel's picture

I still say this is just a selfimposed death penalty.

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

BuckeyeChief's picture

Awesome post as always.

 

"Damn I miss El Guapo"

tbirnbrich's picture

This has to be the funniest thread I have ever read, sadly its cuz its completely true. The next coach needs to not only fire bollman but let columbus tar and feather him then run him out of town

blazers34's picture

saw something about TY Williams and Carlos Hyde tweeting something dumb.  Was i the Hyde Stuff from saturday, or something new?  anyone know what williams said?

Is it Saturday Yet's picture

Hyde sd something about not getting playing time and going somewhere else, but very, very quickly changed the tone of his tweets.

Colin's picture

Offtopic - Hank's got his own website devoted to him now bubbabiscuits4heisman.webs.com

BoFuquel's picture

Howabout that little bit on S.I. about Sparty being too rough on TSUN.It's B1G football people.

I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

bucknut24's picture

Ramzy that was phenominal!

ShowThemOhiosHere's picture

This is why 11W is the greatest college football blog on the entire internet.  Thank goodness I read this after work, because I about lost my shit several times.  Great work!

Class of 2010.

Northbrook's picture

Clever, well written but I guess I'm just tired of the piling on these guys. I've done my share so I'm not without sin. Everybody knows Bolls and Nick S will not be back including them. Must be a tough situation. I want them gone but I am now officially done with my criticism of them.

LABuckeye's picture

Isn't Mark Mangino available? If we hired him we could start a new Michigan-week tradition: Mangino vs. Hoke sumo wrestling. I'll bet Mangino wins.

GoBucks713's picture

WHO WOULD EAT WHO?

-The Aristocrats!

NoVA Buckeye's picture

there can be a hoke-weis sumo wrestling for um-nd week

The offseason begins when your season ends. Even then there are no days off.

buckeyedude's picture

F.A.S,R. (Funny As Shit, Ramzy.)

I think the interview with "Dick" was friggin right on.